Naofumi ends up adopting an entire school's worth of children. - SAFTI (2024)

Chapter 1: "I would kill this clown for a coffee right about now."

Chapter Text

Naofumi could barely feel anything. Tactile or emotionally.

He figured finally killing Kyo would give him some feeling of satisfaction. Instead he just felt guilty. "Naofumi? Are you okay?" Rishia gazed at him with concern, a look that only made him even more guilty.

"... No, not really." There was silence for a moment. The hall they stood in was empty, the scorch-marks that used to be Kyo the only indicator there was ever another person here. Rishia spoke up finally.

"Um, Naofumi? I know you didn't mean it, so let's just forget about it okay?" Rishia was practically shaking. Naofumi caught his breath, standing up fully. He shook his head with a huff, looking her in the eye.

"Don't. Don't give me an out. I don't have a right to that... I did mean it, all of it. Sure, maybe I went too far, sorry for hurting you, but I wasn't being manipulated. There's no mind control or alternate universe crap. I hate you. That's the truth." The entire situation gave him an ulcer. He wanted to do more, be more. But he couldn't find it in himself to act like nothing was wrong. Even if maybe he should close his ears and walk away.

Great for a Hero, not so much for him or his sanity. Rishia impressed him at least, finding her words and managing to get them out without stuttering. "Can I ask, why do you hate me? I think I get it, partially at least. But I still wanna know. I want to be someone you can respect." She looked at him expectantly. Well, not like he could say no to that face.

He was starting to sigh a lot wasn't he? "My problem is that you still fawn over Itsuki, even after everything he's done to you. He's an egomaniacal child with a messiah complex. He tossed you out because you outshined him by actually being useful. And yet you intend to go right back to him. You're spineless, hide when trouble starts. You have all this potential and you're wasting it on someone who'll never appreciate it. You deserve better than that. Everyone deserves better than us. Don't forgive me, don't downplay my failures. I haven't earned that yet." He had been thinking about this for a while, eventually coming to a simple conclusion.

This current set of Cardinals were quite possibly the worst thing to happen to the world. An edgy loner, a Spider-Man wannabe, a brainless half-wit and a bitter asshole. They could probably find better by tossing a rock into a random crowd.

He was startled by her slapping her hand on his shoulder, with watery eyes she spoke with slightly more strength. "Well, it's my decision if I forgive you or not right? So... I forgive you, so you have to forgive yourself. And now, I can work harder, be a better me. Will you help me?" Her smile clearly showed she was already stronger than when they walked in this room.

"Yeah... Okay. I'll do what I can. And as the party leader I expect you to follow suit. 'Kay?" She threw her arms around his neck, he replied by wrapping his own around her shoulders. They broke apart, nodding to one another, they left. Heading back down the path to meet up with Raphtalia and Filo. They were both slumped over some canisters, the corpse of the Mirror Vassal lay in pieces nearby.

"Rafu, Rafu!" Raph-Chan hopped up to his shoulder, alerting the other two at his presence. The four discussed what had happened, but Naofumi felt something nearby. The Orthrus Shield giving him a heads up to danger.

With inhuman speed, he spun to block an attack from another one of the Byakko clones.

But when the white tiger's claw impacted the Shield...

It... Clicked?

A sudden feeling of disorientation washed over him. Without a second thought he shut his eyes and swapped to the Spirit Tortoise Heart Shield. Readying himself for the inevitable attack.

But it never came. He waited a couple minutes before opening his eyes. His view was dominated by what looked like a modern city. Was he back in Japan? There weren't any advertisem*nts or brand names so he had his doubts. It was like if you took a city from Earth and stripped it of any signs that anyone lived there. It just looked... Off.

At least he still had Raph-Chan. "You wanna help me find the others?" His current partner gave him a salute before sniffing the air. She strained for a while, concentrating hard on locating her pseudo-mother. But she eventually stopped, shrugging in disappointment. "Huh, you can't find her? Guess we're doing this the old-fashioned way then. Let's get this done quick so we can go home." A cry of "Rafu!" And they were off.

As the nearest landmark, Naofumi figured he'd start with the school behind him. 'Ugh, I did not feel like reliving my school life. Two weeks! Two weeks away from graduation from university. I was gonna get two Master's degrees! Let's just hope this goes quick.'

Most of the first floor was completely empty, despite the calendars and clocks falling well within when this place should be packed. Eventually he came to a door that had voices emanating from it. 'Finally!'

Naofumi pulled open the sliding door.

And was very suddenly struck with the urge to throw himself out a window.

A large skeleton, some kind of bug man, some demons and what looked like a cat floating in the back. At the head of the class was some weirdo in clown make-up. He stepped into the class, everyone staring at him. "Hey, you seen a Tanuki Demi-Human, a small blonde girl with wings or a lady of nervous disposition, possibly wearing a penguin costume?"

The clown stared at him with an empty smile, "Weeeell~, they could be here, you're all students noooow~. You're Shield correct? Please, take a seeeat~."

Naofumi glared at him with steadily growing homicidal intent, "My. Name. Is. Naofumi." He growled out through grit teeth. He was not going to be degraded like this again. "And students? Not f*cking happening. I have a job. Unlike you I'm actually needed, y'know? World ending, war imminent, etcetera etcetera. Yes or no, have you seen my allies?"

A girl with pink hair in the back yelled at him, something about respecting 'Lord Mathers' or something. He didn't care. He glared down the teacher, "No, but feel free to try and leeeeave~ Governor Seatto." A few tilted heads wondered at the name and title. Subaru realised that Roswaal was deliberately provoking the new guy for some reason. He didn't particularly feel like dying again but if Naofumi snapped there was a good chance they were all dead. Or at least, before Ainz's group took Naofumi down, the Governor'd kill enough that he would need to.

Before everything went south, a high-pitched mewl interrupted everyone. Naofumi bent down and picked up the pitch-black cat.

Naofumi stared at Chomusuke. Chomusuke stared back.

Deep within, The Devil Dragon and the Goddess of Violence salivated at the idea of clashing.

Both were stopped by Naofumi rubbing behind Chomusuke's ears. She wiggled free and ran up his arm hopping up to his head, where she blended perfectly into his hair. Blood-red eyes and tiny wings were the only things that stuck out. Raph-Chan rubbed up against his neck too. Homicidal intent abated, he just walked out, slamming the door shut.

Kazuma scratched his head, "What the hell was up with that guy?"

Megumin shot out of her seat, finally recovering from her admiration of the Cursed Hero that just left. "HE JUST STOLE MY FAMILIAR!"

^w^

Exploring the schoolgrounds didn't help much either. The P.E. Grounds were empty and the forests were deep enough that he decided that it would be the last place he looks.

He felt someone looking at him, turning to find an old man sweeping the grounds. The old man beckoned him to follow. "I'm sure you have questions. Perhaps I can answer them."

Naofumi could tell that the man was dangerous. Not Spirit Tortoise dangerous but definitely Kyo dangerous. A man who could do pretty much anything, with enough power that the only thing holding them back was morality. Better than the living doomsday weapon at least. "... Sure, lead the way."

^o^

"So I'm expected to sit through school again and what? Dance like a monkey for something's entertainment? That's the dumbest thing I've heard in weeks. And that's only because I haven't spoken to Motoyasu in nearly a month. I can assure you, statistically, there could only be one person in that school that's as stupid." Naofumi sat at a low table, taking a drink from the cup of tea in front of him.

The former Sword Saint sat across from him, contemplating. "I'm afraid so, we're all stuck here. The others are all in the same boat as you. If you wish to leave them you have two options. Attend school and be as boring as possible. Or, start breaking things. Personally, I'd recommend acting as a student. Your loved ones may be put in danger to punish you."

Naofumi's eyes narrowed, he could feel his Curse writhing under his skin. He wanted to burn this whole world down. But, his allies and job were more important. Hopefully he'd get to murder the entity that dragged him here later. "You know where I'm supposed to go? What class am I in?"

Before the Astrea patriarch could respond, the door opened. Another old man walked in, slightly baffled by the presence of yet another student. Naofumi stood, gulping the entire cup in one go. "Nevermind, I'll figure it out. Thanks for the talk old man." He left with little preamble, off to search for the rest of his team.

"Who was that?"

"Someone with great potential, loose morals and nothing to lose but a small group he'd die for."

"Heh, now that's starting to sound familiar."

ÒWÓ

Subaru was concerned.

Hamusuke and Death Knight were quite happy to sit in the kennel, so he never saw an issue with it. But the tiny blonde girl, with wings, was curled into the foetal position and sobbing, crying out for her 'Mama'. 'This must be one of the people Naofumi is looking for'. Aqua was no help, every time she held out her arms saying "Come to your mama!" He had to drag her back from the cage, lest she get impaled by the glowing yellow claws thrust at her.

He moved to open the hatch to let her out when he heard a yell. Turning, he saw Naofumi stomping towards him looking like he was on the verge of bursting into flames. He could see the wisp of smoke emitting from his arms.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?" Subaru attempted to explain, hoping to calm the man down.

Then a fist came down, he blinked...

And suddenly he was looking at Naofumi pick up Chomusuke and leave. He was... Back in the classroom. 'Oh... He punched my head clean off, or even popped it like an overripe grape. Right then, Step One. Free Blondie. Step Two. Hopefully not die again.' "Ah, Sir! I need to visit the bathroom! May I!?"

He didn't bother waiting for an answer, sprinting out the door and heading straight for the kennel. Ripping the hatch off and pulling Blondie straight out. He hugged her gently, speaking soothing words, promising her he'd take her to Naofumi. "Y-You'll take Filo to Mama?"

"Is Mama what you call Naofumi?" He held her on his hip, carrying her with as much care as his NEET body could muster.

Filo nodded with a hum, wiping her eyes on the sleeves of her dress. "Mama is Filo's Mama. He raised her from an egg. Can we go see him?"

Subaru's heart melted at the sight of her watery eyed stare. "Of course! I'm Uncle Subaru! I'll take you back to your mom. Ooooorrr, we can get something to eat first quickly? I know I was hungry when I got here." Her smile lit up like a Christmas tree. "You like that idea huh? Alright, we'll grab some grub and then go find your Mama. 'Kay?" Enthusiastic nodding was his response. As he took her to the cafeteria she regaled him with tales of her mother's culinary prowess.

She also talked about how strong he was, the Monsters they had killed and the fact there was a 'Big Stinky Dragon' living inside him.

Ah, that explained the glowing red eyes. Naofumi sounded pretty scary. Like a big bad mama bear. Who could apparently bench press a small country.

'Goldilocks would have gone totally differently if that was the case huh?'

UWU

Raphtalia and Rishia met up in what they could only guess was supposed to be the cafeteria. Their attempts to find Naofumi and Filo were unsuccessful. But at least the big burly man behind the counter was kind enough to give them a quick meal. They say down, side-by-side, to eat and discussed what they could do to find the other two. Just as Raphtalia was halfway through her plan to head to the rooftop and launch Zweite Light, Subaru walked into the cafeteria with Filo on his hip.

"Big Sis Raph! Lil' Sis Shia!" She hopped down and ran over, throwing her arms around them both. Rishia looked confused, 'Little Sister!?' "Uncle Barusu is really nice! And he knows where Mama is!"

'Barusu!?'

UvU

Raphtalia, Rishia and Filo followed Subaru outside, sticking behind him despite his insistence that he knew Naofumi would be out here. Nearby there was a game being played, one that interested them enough that they stood and watched, Subaru eagerly explaining the rules and giving a play-by-play.

A small elven girl stepped up to plate, but instead of the bat most used, she was holding a gnarled wooden staff. The ball was thrown, the elf girl hit it and it blasted across the field like a meteor.

Heading straight for Raphtalia.

She drew her Katana and swung forward,

Only for both ball and blade to stop dead against Naofumi's hand.

The ball continued spinning as it sat in his hand, smoke wafting from his palm due to friction. "You alright guys?" He waited for the nods and thanks, before heading down to plate.

Mare shook as he readied his staff, readying himself as the newcomer reared back. 'Zweite Aura!' power flooded Naofumi's body, enough to mitigate the curse affecting him.

He launched the still spinning ball back at Mare, his staff bouncing backwards. Darkness and Cocytus attempted to stop the ball, only for it to bowl them over, curving up and over. Somewhere out in the distance there was an explosive crash. At least three buildings had been toppled from Naofumi and Mare's combined strength.

"Hey, be more careful yeah? Someone could get hurt next time." His glare only caused Mare to shiver more, bowing and profusely apologising. Naofumi felt a little bad, the kid seemed sincere. Sighing he added, "Just watch where you're swinging okay?" His gaze softened and he turned back to his party. "Well, seems we're stuck here for now. How do you feel about being the newest member of Class Two?"

Subaru threw his arm over Naofumi's shoulders, needing to stand on the very tips of his toes and hang off him to do so. "You guys have as much choice as we do! None at all! Hahah!"

Naofumi sorely wished he could be anywhere else right about now.

Raphtalia was just glad no-one died this time.

Chapter 2: "God, why don't you people just f*ck already."

Chapter Text

Naofumi glared at the Headmaster, who stared back, their locked gazes giving nothing away.

Except how much Naofumi wanted to hit the man with a chair.

"My daughter is not some petting zoo attraction. Put her back in that cage and I'm burning this place down. Let her enroll in the classes with the rest of us. That's a pretty small ask don't ya' think?"

"Hmm, I did not realise you felt this strongly. I'll do what I can, but it's not like I have a direct line to 'The Entity'. I may have been named Headmaster but I have no real power. Try bringing her with you to classes anyway." Naofumi's gaze softened at the Headmaster's offer. He was ready to threaten and break stuff. 'Maybe these guys aren't so bad, well, the oldtimer's anyway.'

"Alright then, I'll just bring her with me. Thanks for being reasonable, I don't particularly enjoy killing and torturing people, it upsets Raphtalia." He gave the School's Head a respectful nod, before leaving. He closed the door only to turn to a pouting child glaring up at him from his stomach. The big mage's hat on her head only added enough extra height to reach his shoulders. He smirked down at her, "And what do you want shortstuff?" He pulled a boiled sweet out of his Shield and handed it to her. She looked confused, before throwing it back at him.

"Give me back my Familiar you thief!"

"Jeez, for someone so small you're awfully loud. What Familiar anyway? The only Familiar here is Raph-Chan." He held the Tanuki in front of him. "Rafu! Rafu!" She looked incredibly proud of herself, standing on two legs and putting her forelegs on her hips. "She's made from Raphtalia's fur and my blood. Technically Raph-Chan is my biological child. Although..." Naofumi started thinking about it. Raphtalia's his daughter? But? Raph-Chan...

His eyes nearly bulged out of his skull. "Nevermind, I don't wanna think about that anymore. Familiar, you're looking for one right? Do I have it?" The tiny mage looked at him with increasing confusion, his pride shot, before she shook her head,

"My cat! Chomusuke! She's on your head!" 'Oooohhh. That makes sense.' Naofumi took the cat off his head, handing it back over. The mage took Chomusuke, who woke up. She yawned deeply, pearly white fangs glistening. She looked around before realising she was back in Megumin's arms. She shook, trying to wiggle out of her owner's arms. "H-Hey! Chomusuke! Has this accursed Fiend bewitched you!? Hey! What do you think you're doing to my Familiar!"

"I dunno, she's a cat, I'm probably just warmer." Chomusuke wiggled free, climbing back up to his head again. Naofumi awkwardly shrugged his shoulders, "Sorry. Not a whole lot I can do. Cat's are free spirits." Megumin stared up at him for a moment, her glowing red eyes were unnerving. After a moment, she laughed to herself.

"Very well! I Megumin, Foremost Mage of The Crimson Demon Clan and Mistress of the greatest magic in existence, do hereby bequeath unto you temporary ownership over this Dark Goddess of Violence, may she grant you victory against the Oppressive Darkness!" 'Did I just walk into Ren's dream?' Naofumi thought that that would probably be too cruel a punishment for murder, let alone nearly falling asleep as a Chuuni ranted at him.

"Uh, yeah, thanks kid but I need to get going. The only thing stopping Filo from raiding the kitchen is if I'm there to tell her no." Without another word, he turned on his heel and left. Hoping sorely that he never had to talk to her again.

'Ah sh*t, I just jinxed myself didn't I?'

He didn't have much more time to think about it. He had originally gone to the Headmaster about accommodations and the rest just followed. Getting blanket permission to enroll Filo was the biggest thing to come out of it. He wasn't gonna suffer his own daughter becoming just as much of a moronic bird-brain as Fitoria. Right now his group is being given a tour by Subaru. 'I wasn't expecting another reincarnate here. He even mentioned something like "Ainz, Tanya and Kazuma" are in the same situation. So a bunch of reincarnates got dragged from their jobs to... What?' The ambiguity worried him. If he was just told he was expected to dance for someone's entertainment then fine. He could work with that. But he can't make something out of nothing.

So his only option was to just... Relive Highschool. Ugh.

He headed out of the school. As they arrived in the middle of the day they were exempted from classes, while his teammates explored the school, Raphtalia carrying a copy of his Shield to map out the school for his Cartography Shield, he would instead check out their dorms.

Walking through the city was surreal, every other step he expected his brother to sprint ahead of him, yelling about being late or something. Instead the city was bustling with people...

Except none of them had faces.

It was like he'd been dropped into a world of mannequins. They could walk, talk, somehow, wore clothes and otherwise perfectly copied the Human experience. Just without faces. Which honestly? Made him feel better, at least he could clearly see this wasn't real. If it was a perfect recreation he thought that he might go insane. Well... Moreso than he already was.

The student accommodations were an upscale apartment complex, looking like it came straight out of a show. Walking in he could smell a freshly sprayed lemon-scented aerosol. Glass doors, wooden panelling on the floors. The faceless receptionist was fruitlessly clacking away on a keyboard, he leaned over the counter to see the computer wasn't even working. Or it was a prop. Either way they were clearly only there for the sake of appearances. Sticking a puppet on door duty didn't make sense though. Why even bother?

"You'd be surprised by how much can change with a simple aesthetics switch." Naofumi jumped, retreating from the counter with his Shield up.

The receptionist had a face now!

Her overall look had changed too. Her suit was much more colourful, a neon rainbow tye-dye nightmare with poofy fur boots capped by a poff that was actually some freakish Furby-looking abomination. The singing did not help. Apparently whoever this was, they were also incredibly vain, or they had a warped sense of humour. The mannequin people were normally proportioned. This... Thing decided to give itself an 'Eiken' tier figure.

A year ago he would have found it amusing.

Now he had to fight down apocalyptic rage. "What the hell do you want?" The Entity pouted at him, bounding across thin air, hanging upside down and shifting her face to a big sunny, literally it was glowing, grin.

"Why? For my own entertainment of course! Now I know you're a naturally distrustful person so I'm gonna give it to ya' straight." She flipped down, a table, chairs and pair of full teacups appeared. Taking a drink, she sighed, putting it down and adopting a much more serious expression. "What I want is for you all to do as you do. You won't be harmed, I can't even hurt anyone. Look!" She slapped him as hard as she could. His mana barrier didn't even activated, it didn't even register that as an attack.

"Gods like me can't actually interact with Mortals. So you're fine. The thing is, you lot are kinda destabilising reality. But! I have a solution! If given a safe space to vent, grow and mingle? Things could only get better right? I thought so. So! I devised this little scenario to get you all together for a little pow-wow. And you can't imagine the bank I made selling recordings of your antics to the other Gods." She stood inside the table, clipping into it like a character in a Bethesda game, hands on her hips and nose in the air like she's expecting praise.

Naofumi really wished he could get drunk.

"So, basically, you dragged a bunch of people to another dimension to... Give them therapy? Are you stupid? Or did the hampster in your head fall out of that wheel?" He reached up and knocked on her forehead, "Doesn't feel like it's full of rocks."

The Entity pouted at him again. "Hey! That's uncalled for!" Her expression turned back to a grin quickly, "But basically yeah! Everybody needs a break now and then! This is just me offering you one. And by golly do you guys need it. I mean wow. Subaru and Kazuma have died so many times. Kazuma holds it together better but they're both falling apart inside. Ainz is only just not on the verge of a mental breakdown, his Lich skills are the only reason he hasn't snapped yet. And Tanya? You two should get along well, 'Literally too angry to die' is apt. And then there's you."

"There's nothing wrong with me." His glare could strip the scales off a Dragon. Too bad she was a Goddess.

"Let's see, self-destructive tendencies mixed with suicidal ideation. Rage so potent that a Revenant Dragon feared getting eaten by your soul. Inferiority Complex, don't lie! I know you, just like I know you don't believe you're good enough. Shush. Shall I bring up your strained relationship with your parents? The cold terror at the idea of hurting what few loved ones you have? You have just as many issues as anyone else here. You're just good at hiding it."

Having it spelled out to him wasn't helping. His clenched fists and grit teeth betrayed the barely restrained anger threatening to drive him to violence. But he took a breath, stood up and headed to the elevator. "I'm done here. Let's never meet again." Before the doors closed he saw The Entity wave at him with a smile, holding up a sign. 'I'll send Nudes!' Laughing when his face scrunched up with disgust. Her laughter the last thing he heard as he was carried up to his room.

'Note to self, burn phone.' He sighed, stepping out of the elevator. It was like everything else, polished metal and shiny new buttons. It even had a card reader. The hallway he stepped into looked like the aftermath of a Splatfest. The carpet was ironically the only survivor. It was a deep velvety red, with a pattern of various animals dancing across it, literally, there was an elephant moving, performing that one Russian dance. The image on the floor was shifting with life, giving him a headache and vertigo.

His door was incredibly easy to find, the surface was customised to represent the people living there apparently. His door was wooden, reinforced with metal, the centre studded with an emerald. On the doors surface was a depiction of a Dragon curled around a Tanuki, an Ostrich with white feathers and a penguin. It also had their names carved into the surface. Inserting his keycard, the door silently swung open.

The room itself was also personalised. He imagined the individual bedrooms would be too. There was a massive kitchen area dominating the left hand wall. In the centre was a divot in the ground, a sofa and tv system nestled snugly inside the floor. It didn't escape him that the headrests were a miniature castle battlement. Funny. The far wall was dominated by a massive window, an elaborate pet-tree extending across its length. 'They even included a play area for Raph-Chan?' Speaking of, she hopped off his shoulder, and settled down in one of the cubby's taking a nap.

A yawn came over him. He only just realised that he hadn't slept for nearly thirty hours. The Wave, Kyo, dealing with that Elf-Girls's killer homerun. It was just a little too much for him. 'Course, he wasn't done yet. There was still so much to do. Apparently there was going to be a late night celebration to welcome 'The Newbies.' He didn't care one way or the other, but the girls really wanted to go. So he'd at least show up. At least to keep an eye on them.

Leaving Raph-Chan to her nap, he left the building, the kitchen already fully stocked and a grocery stipend left on the wooden countertop was already in his Shield. Passing the lobby he saw the receptionist was just a puppet again, though it kept The Entities proportions.

There was also a wall-dominating picture of The Entity naked, spreadeagled, with the caption 'You like what you see?' Nothing made him want to vomit more. He hoped that It would have the decency to at least take it down before the kids got in.

He decided to take a different path back. Despite the city's lack of real life, the stores were still fully stocked, complete with puppets buying things and heading home. He had an idea. 'I wonder what the law is here. Does it matter so long as it doesn't affect my school life?' He'd figure it out eventually. And then the crimespree that sweeps the city would be legendary.

He arrived at the school, heading to his class. The last period of the day was being set aside for his and his party's introductions. Everyone getting to know each other and getting along is a big part of life here. Made sense, The Entity wants this to be a therapeutic vacation. Social interactions were allegedly a good thing. If these people were anything like that 'Megumin' though he was in for headaches galore.

He spotted his team down the hall, Subaru excitedly babbling on about... Mayonnaise?

'I'm not touching that one.'

"Hey, the old man in charge says we can just smuggle Filo into class and go from there. Also I met The Entity. That happened. She's annoying." Subaru stopped talking, his mouth hanging open and he began staring into the distance. Rishia and Filo were confused but unsurprised. Raphtalia just sighed.

"So what happened?" Subaru continued Raphtalia's question,

"And do you know why we're here now?" Naofumi looked at Subaru, death in his eye.

"Reality TV."

"Ah, the secret tenth layer of hell. Gotcha."

Shield and co. entered the classroom, the stares unnerved Naofumi. Normally he could just throw up his hood or just start threatening people. It would be a little more difficult considering there were at least seven people in the room sitting at level one-hundred. The one saving grace was that he was within the twenty-five level limit for Inspect to work. He couldn't read the Skeleton's stats though. He was logging that one as the most dangerous.

"Ahh, our newest students have arriiiiiived~. Would you properly introduce yourseeeelves~?" Naofumi was already tired of his goddamn speech pattern. 'Another note to add to the ever growing list, buy earplugs and invest in lipreading skills.'

"Alright, my name is Naofumi. I'm a merchant who sometimes governs a tiny village in the middle of nowhere. This is my bodyguard Raphtalia, my daughter Filo and that's Rishia. If you mess with any of them then I'll kill you. The Tanuki on my shoulder was Raph-Chan, yes the names are related, no, if you want to pet her you need to ask her first. Did I miss anything?"

"Well, I suppose you can finish introductions laaaaaater~. That's what the little celebration we have in a moment is foooooor~."

Kazuma rose a hand. "Yes Kazuuuuuuma~?"

"How many girlfriends do you have, Naofumi?"

"Less than you're going to have limbs if you ask me that again."

"That's fair."

The subsequent party was a result of the combined efforts of Rem, Viktoriya and Aqua. The decorations and snacks were perfectly curated according to the tastes of everyone present. The amount of skill that went into the set-up was ridiculous. But just what they all needed. Granted, they didn't really need a reason to throw a party. A new group showing up was just an excuse.

The dancefloor was occupied by Ainz and his entourage all clamouring for a dance with him. Megumin and Ram raided the snackbar and Kazuma and Tanya had set up a shooting range for a competition. One that Rishia accidentally dominated, much to the cheers and praise of all present. Filo was up onstage, singing some peppy love song alongside Emilia and Chris. Raphtalia got drunk and started challenging the knightly types to arm-wrestling matches. Reinhard was her only match. They came to a draw when the table shattered.

Naofumi filled a plate and plopped down on a seat next to someone from Class One. He thought so anyway. Now that he thought about it... What Class was she from anyway? "Hey, you're not joining in?"

The Girl who looked like an older Megumin looked at him shocked. "Oh! Um, I'm just... Figuring out how to um... Challenge Megumin next. We're rivals you see but... She always wins." She trailed off, staring intently at Megumin. Now, Naofumi wasn't the smartest or most attentive person, but even he recognised a crush when he saw one. He wasn't a matchmaker, it wasn't his job to help idiots f*ck!

But her sitting there alone on the verge of tears pulled on the strings of whatever replaced his heart. "Are you sure you're rivals? Seems to me it might be more." Her eyes widened and she looked at him, stuttering.

Finally she got out, "N-No! We're rivals! I'm supposed to take over the clan! I can't be weaker than one of my villagers!"

"Y'know, the best couples challenge each other to be better. They build each other up over the course of their relationship. You can have your cake and eat it too in this case." She sat there wide-eyed, like the gates of heaven just opened up before her. She slumped again.

"It doesn't matter though. Kazuma and Megumin are basically a couple already." Naofumi really wished he could drink.

"How about you actually try. Nothing to gain without an attempt."

"But what about Kazuma! I don't want to hurt him!"

"How do you feel about them?"

"H-Huh!? How do I feel!?"

"Yes, god, you kids are going to be the death of me. How do you feel about Megumin?"

"W-Well, I think she's very passionate. Even when she probably shouldn't, she throws herself wholly and fully into something. We grew up together and she was my only real friend. Even then, we only really interacted occasionally."

"Alright. Now how do you feel about Kazuma?"

"He's... I'm not sure what to make of him. But what I can tell is that he's a good person. Sure he has a few problems but... I know that he and Megumin would only build off each other." She spoke under her breath, nearly silenced by the loud music echoing in the cafeteria. "Leaving me behind."

"*Sigh* Fine. f*ck 'em both then." The following shriek drew the eyes of everyone else. Naofumi yelled over the music. "IT'S ALRIGHT! I JUST STUBBED MY TOE!" They dropped it, though a couple pegged him as a pervert. Not for long.

"What do you mean both!? How would that even work!?"

"I dunno, healthy communication and compromise. Like the adults you pretend to be. Y'know what? Here." Naofumi grabbed her by the back of her shirt collar, lifting and carrying her over to Megumin. They both questioned him, one significantly more intently than the other. He ignored them, looking at Megumin and then the other girl. Then he picked up Megumin, dropped the other girl on a chair and sat Megumin down on her lap.

"How's this for a challenge? See who can f*ck longer. HEY KAZUMA! COME TEND TO YOUR NEW GIRLFRIENDS!" Kazuma got tossed across the room, landing in a heap by the Crimson pair. Just as confused as they were. The three blushed and stammered. But eventually sat down and finally started talking. It only took two hours for them to leave together.

Naofumi was interrogated by a crowd of both Classes. His only response?

"I'm not dealing with these longing gazes. Romantic comedies suck."

Subaru just howled with laughter nearby.

Ainz joined Naofumi in wanting to drink his mind blank.

And Tanya wanted to kill them all.

Chapter 3: "~Chuuni's to the left of me, Demons to the right, here I am, stuck in this sh*thole with you~"

Chapter Text

The party continued.

Ains had somehow managed to wrangle his own kids onto one table, freeing up the floor for everyone else. Given that Rukor fruit wine had been included in the selection of drinks, not accessible by the minors of course, there was more than a little flailing. Though, Subaru setting up an impromptu dancing contest livened things up further. Especially when a thoroughly sloshed Reinhardt and Chris began breakdancing aggressively at each other.

The uniformed soldiers, now bereft of their jackets, at least one missing his pants, tried their hand at a cheerleading pyramid. This went as poorly as one might imagine. Viktoriya could only stare in horror as, for the first time in a long while, Tanya laughed at something. 'Is she sick?' She was, just not physically.

Not a pair of eyes in the building missed it when Wiz stepped up to the plate. Not even for all the jiggling, but the fact that she froze the ground and began figure-skating. The speed at which Aqua and Rem set up a rink after was astonishing. The dancefloor was converted to an ice-rink in less than two minutes and featured more bruised tailbones than should be possible. What was even more impressive was when Cocytus joined in. One wouldn't imagine the lumbering giant bug-man to be graceful at anything. And yet his performance was awe-inspiring. The fluidity at which he shifted his body could only be matched by Emilia who performed beside him.

Darkness on the other hand shook as she drifted along, gripping onto the bug-man's tail for dear life looking slightly nauseous. Ram pretended to skate, instead just using wind currents to push herself around, a monotonous sounding "~Whee!~" Barely audible over the music... Which changed from some random club track to... 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy'?

Naofumi wasn't quite sure what to make of it all. Impressive certainly. 'But god are these people weird.' He sat alone near the rink, watching everything play out. For the most part content to just bask in the lack of a looming doomsday event. One aspect of this sudden vacation was the fact that, despite his Wrath Curse eating at him, he could actually taste the food he was eating. 'This place must be suppressing it. My stats are still fried, but if I'm not expected to fight seriously here...' But despite that thought, 'What about when I go back?'

The Waves weren't going to disappear because he asked nicely. His expression dropped into a thoughtful glare he directed at his plate, gaze a million miles away. This didn't go unnoticed. 'I can't just sit around, I'm not sure I could even without the Waves.' He looked over at Ains' group. 'They're all absurdly powerful. Testing my strength against them would be good.' He took a bite of some dessert, so distracted he still couldn't taste it. And after I went to all the trouble of curing his Antisthesia too! Ugh!

'I need to stress-test my Meteor Shield, figure out how my Magic Defence holds up without my Shield, see if someone here can't permanently suppress Curses. Then I need to procure materials for accessory crafting, reagents for potions, see if this place has a Biology lab with Monster parts.' His thoughts continued to run, a massive list of items scrolled behind his lids. He took more absentminded bites of his food, flicking through his menu in his head, writing down his objectives in the notes section of his HUD.

"Looks like you owe me a gold coin lass!"

"Ack, come on Naofumi! I thought you'd be all over that dancefloor- er, rink. Did you learn nothing!"

Naofumi remained laid back for a moment, slowly coming to the realisation that someone was standing nearby. 'Wait, those voices are familiar.' His eyes opened. 'Well, out of everyone, these are probably the most tolerable people I could be dealing with. Minus Erhard of course.'

L'arc laughed at Kizuna as she grumbled, handing over a gold coin to the Scyther. Glass clenched the bridge of her nose as Therese sighed fondly at them, clenching her fists as she fought down the urge to smack them both. A real mix of emotion there. Mirellia stood beside them, chuckling behind her fan. Melty glared at him, tapping her foot in irritation. "You're in the middle of the party and just... Brooding!"

Nevermind, he'd rather have Motoyasu. Something to squeeze right about now would be great. Might as well be the Lancer's throat. He looked at Melty, "It's not brooding. I'm a Seinen protagonist. This is me being Byronic. I'm a tragic hero y'know?" Melty wasn't having any of it.

"You're a tragedy, how long did it take you before you insulted someone? Five minutes?"

"I'm my defence, he insulted me first."

"You're not even denying it took five minutes!"

His smirk only irritated her more. Before they could argue further L'arc tossed him a couple different items. Kyo's Book and the Mirror. "What's with this?" L'arc told him the story.

"So, when a couple hours went by, we got kinda worried. After Kizuna dried her tears because of just how much she loved and missed you," the Hunting Hero mentioned threw a rock at him, which he leaned back to avoid. Elsewhere, Julius, already tipsy, finally passed out after getting brained by a Razor-Clam stone. He would wake up the next day with a severe headache, laying on the floor of the gym. ", We headed into Kyo's lab. It was pretty disheartening, not seeing any of you. We just picked those up when I heard a growl. I tried blocking an attack from one of those Byakko clones and my Scythe just kinda, clicked? And then we ended up here. Those things have been pulling at me for the better part of an hour."

Naofumi looked the Book and Mirror over. They were incredibly basic, with a gemstone embedded on their surface. Just like his Shield. He felt a sense of contentment. Of completion. These weapons were happy to sit with him. Though he could feel the Book resented his Shield somewhat. He had more to look through later. One more thing to add to his ever-growing list. "Oi'! That had better not be your work face!" L'arc was as annoyed by his workaholic nature as everyone else.

"...You guys can have all the fun you like. I have far too much to do. But anyway, Mirellia and Melty? How did you two end up here?" The Queen and First Princess both gave him unimpressed looks. Mirellia snapped her fan shut and furrowed her brows, but it was Melty who responded.

"We were asleep, it just happened, don't change the subject! I'm not sure why we're here but you should be relaxing! You can't spend every waking moment working!"

Even Glass shook her head. "She's right. If I didn't get to visit that cat café Kizuna funded at least once a month I would need to kill someone."

Naofumi opened his mouth, "I swear to God Naofumi! If you say 'Watch me' I will tell Raphtalia! We'll see what she has to say." Kizuna's smirk was as devious as she was. His mouth clacked shut, before he sighed, standing up and struggling to drop his shoulders.

"Fine, I'll see about this 'relaxation' thing you hold in such high esteem." The sarcasm in his tone was thick, almost as much as he was. Heh. 'What the hell was that?' He felt like someone was insulting him. His mind was just playing tricks on him though.

Totally.

"Now, for the sake of facilitating that relaxation, L'arc? Would you mind grabbing us all some drinks? There's a good boy." Therese shooed him towards the drinks table, the King of Tempest protesting all the way.

"Wha- Hey! I'm not a serf! Get your own drinks!"

Kizuna gave him an angelic smile, closed eyes and glowing cheeks breaking down his resistance. "Pwease~ Uncle Berg?"

He resisted for a full two seconds, a new record! But he crumbled all the same. "Should put some horns on that big head of yours." He grumbled as he left, idly swinging around his Scythe like a baton.

Mirellia turned to Naofumi, "Far be it from me to discuss anything remotely connected to work, but do you know if there's an explanation for the why's if there are no how's?"

"Yeah, I met the sociopath behind it. According to her Ains, Kazuma, Subaru, Tanya and I are a danger to the fabric of reality. If any of us were to snap, apparently it would be disastrous. So we're here. Therapy and a vacation in one." Naofumi shrugged. Annoyed by the situation, but figuring it could be worse. He could be dealing with Bitch.

Kizuna suddenly barked out a laugh. "Ha! I knew it! 'You, the Cardinal Hero of the Divine Shield, are a danger to the fabric of reality, cease, lest you rend it asunder.' Heh, you can't even deny it cuz' you already blew up one pocket dimension. It's only a matter of time before you break regular dimensions."

Naofumi looked at her, annoyed. "Okay, first off. Who the hell says 'Rend Asunder'? You're reaching you old hag. And second, I'm only that dangerous because Motoyasu is just that incompetent. He can break a planet by proxy of driving me to insanity." He returned Kizuna's smirk. Her response was to pout at him, the hag comment completely uncalled for.

The Shield's humour was short-lived as Mirellia cut in. "I always knew Lord Naofumi was the kind of man who was in danger of rending reality asunder." His jaw nearly dropped from the Queens mischievous grin. His heart dropped further.

"Yes, Fumi is a very 'Rend reality asunder' kind of Hero." Melty nodded to herself, as if this was sagely wisdom.

"Well, as the Shield Hero, he obviously can't rend flesh asunder. So he has to settle for reality." Therese held her hand to her chin, as if pondering a quanderous quandary. Glass joined in on his torment.

"It is why we tried to kill him is it not? Because he was in danger of rending reality itself asunder?" Naofumi broke, sick of those three words being used in a sentence.

"Will you stop saying 'rend, reality and asunder'? Can we just change the subject?"

Kizuna wasn't done. She would have justice for such a grievous insult! "Sure, let's talk about how much Therese wants to bang you!" And with that, the mighty Hero felt his job was done and he could finally embrace oblivion.

Therese nodded with an 'Ah!' "But of course! My loins ache for his magical touch!" Her attempt at a monotone was broken by her stifled giggles.

And then Kizuna went for the throat. "It's too bad you're cucking L'arc. He's such a sweet guy." Naofumi contemplated lobotomy via soup-spoon.

Therese nearly broke with how hard she fought down her laughter, "I-I know, heh. *Ahem* I just ca-Ha-n't help it. L'arc certainly deserves better than for me to cu-*Huh*-uck him."

"No-one is cucking anyone. Stop saying that too." He was near the end of his Rope Shield and already tying the noose.

L'arc just so happened to come back right at that moment. "Who's cucking who?" He was rightly confused, but figured he'd play along. He could sense the punchline coming a mile away.

Kizuna answered almost immediately. "Therese is cucking you with Naofumi!"

"Oh, for real? Well sh*t. Therese how could you?" The smile creeping up his face betrayed his amusem*nt at his fellow Hero's despair.

"Sorry L'arc, he's just so good at 'handling rocks'." 'Pleasekillmepleasekillmepleasekillme.'

"Ah okay, that makes sense. I forgive you. How did you get to this topic anyway?" Naofumi's heart sunk to his stomach. He knew what was coming.

"He really wanted us to stop talking about how he's a danger to reality itself."

"Oh you mean like how he's gonna rend it asunder?"

"ALRIGHT! That's it! I'm going, f*ck you guys, I'll see you tomorrow!" They laughed at him as he left, Kizuna flat on the ground and Glass fluttering her Fans at him. He was physically and emotionally exhausted, the quadruple-nine psychic damage he took not helping matters.

Finally done with the day he made for the dorms. His plan was echoed by a large number of the other students, at least half the people there had hit their limit for festivities. He could see some woman in blue lying under a broken ale barrel, alcohol pouring straight down her throat and a dopey grin on her sleeping face. 'If only.' Naofumi had never known why he couldn't get drunk, but he certainly envied those who could. Maybe Ains was powerful enough to conjure something that could get him drunk? Might as well ask.

Before leaving he tossed a few plates worth of food into his Shield. A small knapsack full of treats for Raph-Chan, some fish and turkey for Raphtalia, a whole pig-roast for Filo and a mix of things for Rishia. He also took the time to pick up a few pieces of tuna, holding it up to his hair, his passenger snapping it up in seconds. And of course he just forgot to get anything for himself. 'Now, where'd my kids get to?' A scanning glance around the room was all he really needed to spot them. Filo and a giant hamster were curled up together, Subaru laying between them, with a look of abject bliss on his own sleeping face. He compared his fellow Jap to the blue thing who was probably going to drown. 'I know I'd rather suffocate in fluff than drown.' He was reluctant to disturb the kid, noticing that the bags under his eyes were as bad as his own. 'Demi-Humans and Monsters are a grey area but... He's just a kid, he shouldn't be mixed up in all this.'

"Hello, is there something you needed?" A soft voice, one strained to prevent itself from growling, came from his left. A short blue-haired woman was suspicious of him. 'I must have been glaring at nothing again.' Considering his resting expression was one that promised violence it was no wonder she'd would be worried.

"I want to get Filo to bed, but I also don't want to disturb Subaru." He looked back at his countryman. "Kid looks like he's been through enough as is." Her expression immediately softened, her stance becoming much more relaxed.

"I'm glad he has more people to worry about him now. I try my best but," One of those gazes again. Sad and loving. He couldn't imagine a more harrowing fate than this. 'Are all children driven to romantic drama?' "I feel like nothing I do is enough for him. Emilia could probably do it but, she doesn't. I..." She looked at him with wet eyes. "I don't know how to save him from himself."

"I'm the last person to be talking to about this." Her gaze dropped to the floor and she gripped her skirt tightly, eyes wet. "But! I'll see what I can do. Talk to him. Maybe I can see if he'll at least listen to me. Meanwhile, well, look at him. He's still able to be happy, even for a few moments. Just, stay. Even if he never says it cuz' us guys are assholes who insist that we don't need help, especially when we do. Stick by him, you have more of an effect on him than you think. At my lowest point, in my darkest moments, Raphtalia was there for me. I thought it was my job to protect her. It just took a particularly painful event for her to show me she was a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought. And hey, if you really want to sell your love to him, try flashing him your bare ass. That works too."

She stared at him in awe, right up until that last comment when she turtled up into her dress, cheeks glowing. "Y-You mean it?"

He smirked, but not too much. "I'm as serious as Chlamydia. And twice as much of a pain. I wasn't joking, that last bit of advice would totally work on him. You'd be surprised how easy it is to lead guys by their dicks. Makes me glad my libido is deader than disco."

Rem was still glowing red, but also gave him a small, happy smile. "Thank you. For caring enough to talk to him. Though, I think I'll skip that last one... For now at least." Rem reached down, adjusting Subaru to sit on top of Hamsuke. "My name is Rem, it's nice to meet you Naofumi." She picked up Hamsuke and carried the two out the doors. Hopefully with a renewed sense of purpose. Her feelings for the boy were worth fighting for, for both their sakes.

Naofumi only hoped he said the right things, not much of a people person that guy. Bending down he whispered to Filo, "Hey, I need you to shift okay?" She sleepily mumbled, a poof of smoke signalling her transformation. He held her to his hip, where she curled into his chest, gripping onto his breastplate. Realising it probably wasn't that comfortable he placed his breastplate in his Shield's inventory. Filo snuggled deeper into his chest, tangling her fingers into his shirt.

After that, he headed over to collect Raphtalia. She had passed out, laying in a pile with what looked like a bunch of Demi-Human maids. They were all dirty and had tears in their clothes. At some point Raphtalia must have badmouthed their boss and got into a fight. He had never been prouder of her. Insulting people and then kicking around their servants? He'd taught her well. Though he knew she'd beg to differ, when she was sober anyway. 'Heh, drunk Raphtalia is sober me. I wonder if I'd be like sober Raphtalia while drunk? Ugh, it would be just like before getting summoned. That Naofumi is a useless dumbass. Nevermind, I want nothing to do with getting drunk if that's what'll happen.'

Naofumi reached down, careful not to jostle Filo, making to pick up his other daughter. His hand was grabbed by someone else, some wolf Demi-Human. Not really thinking before he acted, his lack of armour leaving him more paranoid than normal, he twisted his arm out of their grip. Wrapping his own hand around them, he dragged her up,

And drove his skull into their face, leaving a large bruise. "Ack! Ow! That was uncalled for! I'm just stopping you from molesting her!" The wolf lady, Werewolf, his HUD helpfully provided, clenched her nose, glaring at him.

"Sorry, reflexes. And for your information, I'm taking her back to her room so she can sleep. If you accuse me of being a predator again I'll kill you to prove a point. Now, Einz Heal." He held out his hand, a green glow suffusing her before the bruise disappeared. She gingerly poked at her nose, finding it fully healed.

"Huh, cool. What kinda spell was that? Sixth tier?"

"No, in Medea there's just First, Second, Third and apparently Revelation tiers. Then there's Single, Group and Ritual class spells. I'm still not sure how to cast Revelation spells on my own unfortunately, but Ritual class spells are powerful enough to drag me and three others from four separate dimensions." The Werewolf nodded at his explanation, tucking the info away for her Master. Naofumi figured he could at least try being a little open, if only so their boss would be more open to leaving him and his alone.

"Ooh, so that's the weakest possible spell you can cast? Lord Ains will definitely wanna hear about this." Ho? How, fortuitous. Ingratiating himself with Ains' group would ensure they'd be willing to work with him. Perfect. Now he just needed a little gift to smooth over Raphtalia mopping the floor with his servants.

"I was hoping I could work with Ains, I have no doubt he could help me out of everyone here. I need all the assistance I can get for the Waves."

"Lord Ains. But if you think you might have something of worth to offer Lord Ains, then I'll see what I can do to get you a meeting with him." She grinned at him, very obviously baring all her sharp teeth. It might have been more intimidating to the Shield Hero if his armour didn't occasionally masquerade as an iron maiden. So he bared his own teeth, canines slightly more pronounced than most peoples. Surprisingly enough, she seemed receptive. Almost going so far as to give him a mote of respect. A first for a resident of Nazarick.

"I'd appreciate it, but that'll have to wait for tomorrow. Gotta get these kids to bed. And then I need to feed my Familiar. See ya'." Finally finishing his initial goal of lifting Raphtalia and holding her against his hip. She wrapped her arms around his neck, by extension Filo's too, clamping her thighs against his back and stomach. He could smell the alcohol on her breath. Now for Rishia.

She was easy enough to spot, sitting on a bench and wrapped in a blanket, nodding off. He could clearly see she had a little to drink by her red cheeks. "Hey, Rishia. Come on, let's head to the dorms." Rishia looked up at him, taking a moment to register he spoke to her. When she did she jumped up, wide-eyed.

"F-Fueh! Ah, I'm sorry!" Naofumi shushed her quickly, lightly lifting Filo and Raphtalia. A look of understanding, "Sorry."

"It's fine. Come on, let's head home. We all need sleep. It's been a long-ass day. We're running on fum-"

*BANG* *CLANG*

A bullet bounced off his face. Looking to where it came from Tanya dragged one of her soldiers away, yelling at them for negligent discharge of his weapon. "If that guy wasn't a walking nuclear bunker I would have you court-martialed and retired from service faster than you can say 'Safety's on'!" Naofumi wanted to get mad, but it was pitch-black outside and he just wanted to sleep.

"Mama?"

"Naofumi?"

"Go to sleep you two, everything's fine. We're just heading home. 'kay?" The two mumbled more, settling back into sleep. Rishia clearly saw the look of parental adoration on his face.

"Um, Naofumi? For what it's worth, I think you're enough."

"... Am I? The more I think about it, seeing just how many kids there are here. Not even Demi-Humans or ancient vampires that look like children, but actual regular human children dragged into a war for the world. And for what? Entertainment? These kids deserve better than that. Better than me, Motoyasu, Ren, Itsuki. Hell, have you looked at Subaru? He's a wreck. But I don't know how to be what they need." The more he thought about it the angrier he got. Those bastards could have chosen anyone. But actual literal children? He wanted to crush someone into paste.

Until Rishia placed her hand on his. "I think you don't really have the right to decide whether you're enough for someone. Even if you aren't right now, you've already changed something. Just keep trying. R-right? I think I feel a little light-headed."

"Heh, let's get you to bed already."

"Hey! You never answered me!"

"Didn't I? Actually, didn't we have this conversation already?"

"You keep regressing. And no you didn't answer me!"

"Hmm, shame that." And then he turned and walked away, Rishia protesting, quietly, the whole way.

The night was cool, a brisk breeze blowing. It was just cold enough to be uncomfortable, but not enough to cause shivers. It was rather pleasant. Despite the lack of neon signs and lit up billboards, there were more than enough streetlights to navigate the quiet streets. They made good time, arriving at the dorms in seemingly no time at all. Entering, they felt the warmth of the building, which felt perfect. Too perfect. Naofumi looked at where he assumed 'The Entity' to be. And most certainly didn't find m- er- Her.

Giving up he turned his gaze to the group standing at the receptionist's desk. It was Ains' group, minus the big man himself. "What's going on?" They looked at him, the sole humanoid man making him uncomfortable with how he stared at him. They noticed the sleeping pair and, mercifully, decided to keep their voices down. Not out of respect, but because Lupus-Regina had already given her report and now learning more about the Hero was priority number two. Right behind protecting Ains himself.

The vampire was the one to respond to him. "We were fascinated by this image, you're significantly stronger than you look. One might say, dangerous? I do wonder how you'd taste." Her toothy grin was only slightly more intimidating than the Werewolf. But again, he'd been drained dry before. It was annoying, but ultimately not enough to kill him.

"Grab a straw and see. You might need to suck hard though, not much blood in here as it is. Unless you plan on sucking something else. In which case I'll have to say no thanks. I prefer grown women." His expression had sunk into a blank stare, his voice fully monotone. Funnily enough, he didn't need to keep up the verbal joust, as the vampire just sputtered over her words. He stepped towards the painting.

One good thing is that 'The Entities' nudity had been removed. The bad thing however is that it now showed him. Supposedly heroically fending off against the Spirit Tortoises lightning beam. It was fully painted, posing him as some uber powerful warrior and saviour. Which was hilarious. This was likely the second time he blocked it, which meant this was the point it was weaker, which also meant that, at this point? He was thinking about his groceries. He didn't have the heart to correct the assumption that he was any sort of noble hero. He would just laugh about it to himself. "Ah that, the Spirit Tortoise. One of four legendarily powerful entities who awaken to fend off the Waves of Calamity. Y'know, their job is to slaughter one-third of the planet's inhabitants to skip the current set of Waves? Wild sh*t. Anyway, g'night!"

Naofumi was done messing with the help, motioning for Rishia to click the button for the lift. "Hold a moment." He looked back at Spectacles. Simply humming for him to continue. Pushing his glasses up Spectacles tried hard to hide the irritation at the lack of respect. Sorry buddy, that's a two way street and this guy won't give way. "Lord Ains is welcoming of your plea for his attention."

"Even if you are just a lowly human, did you hear that? The gracious and mercifu- don't just get in the rising box! Get back here!" Shalltear's attempts at getting Naofumi to understand his fortune for Ains to grant him any form of aid were met with closed doors as he stepped into the elevator, completely ignoring her.

Before the doors shut Naofumi gave Demiurge a thumbs-up. But otherwise gave no indication that he even heard them. He certainly didn't hear the Vampire's yelling after. Mercifully, the structures of the building were soundproof. Rishia wasn't very happy with him. "That was rude, you could have at least heard them out properly."

"Maa, 'Shia. If getting drunk is all you need to do to grow a spine then I'd advise you to never stop. Besides, I'm tired and I don't have the capacity for listening to elitist nutjobs spout about how great and awesome this Skeletor rip-off is. I just want to sleep. I'm sure you do too."

She glared at him a moment longer, "... Apologise to them tomorrow."

"Whatever you say mom."

They reached their floor and he led her to their rooms. Finally, finally! Getting back, Rishia headed to the room that was obviously hers, given the red wood and ivy designs carved into its surface. Naofumi stepped into the blue door. Filo's room was fashioned to look like a cart, with a low floor built into the ground and boxes. They were just... There. Filo's bed was a mass of white and blue pillows, a light-blue tarp covering them. 'Must be the blanket. If she's comfortable and happy them I'll have no problems.' The problem now was getting her into the bed with no free hands.

A skilful and judicious use of the Orthrus Shield later and Filo was sound asleep, snuggling into the silk pillows. Stepping out he opened door number two. It was a salmon pink. And weirdly opulent. Like something for a princess. He wasn't sure why the word empress came to mind but he was too tired to care. The real problem came when he stepped inside. It looked like a goth teens wet dream in here! Everything was some variant of black and purple. The iron maiden in the corner gave him PTSD and that ceiling mural depicting his Blood Sacrifice construct made him suspicious of Raphtalia's mental state. 'What the hell is this all about!?' Naofumi would not bring it up for a while and so would not learn that these are things that connect him to her. They were symbolic of her thoughts of him. But alas, the Shield Hero is not much of a thinker, at least not about things that might involve him.

It was much easier to put Raphtalia to bed. Or that was the idea. But Filo's magical clothing didn't get in the way of restful sleep. Raphtalia's mud-caked, but dry, boots would. So Naofumi began the arduous task of carefully stripping her without waking her up. He got it done fast enough, throwing the covers over her. Leaving, he finally spotted something of a different colour. A painting of Lurolona in its pride. 'Now that makes sense.'

Stepping into the living room, he searched for Raph-chan. Finding her curled up in a cubby on her pet-tree. She woke up, cheerily greeting him with licks. "Hey Raph. Here, I got you a little something." He set down the knapsack with food in her cubby. Her eyes widened with glee. "Rafu!" And she dug in, tail flicking back and forth. "You enjoy that, I need to pass out for a bit."

Once and for all, he got to finally just, pass out. Chomusuke hopped off his head, curling up on his other pillow. Naofumi put his armour and clothing in his inventory. Feeling like a literal weight had been lifted off. Getting to just lay down and relax? Literal bliss. But he caught his reflection in a nearby mirror and stopped to look. He looked like he'd been shredded by a pack of wild animals with spears. Sighing, he got into bed and closed his eyes. Sleep took him nearly instantly.

~v~

Once upon a time, Naofumi was a terrible morning person. Whoever decided it was mandatory to get up at six deserved to be shot. Nowadays, he woke up at five on the dot. No exceptions. This time he managed to sleep until seven. A miracle all things considered.

The only problem was?

There were people in his bed!

He didn't know how they got there, but he wanted them out. Looking around he saw a cat Demi-Human, two draconic Demi-Humans... And... "Ost?"

The avatar of the Spirit Tortoise gazed down at him with a small smile. "I did say I'd always be there for you. I just wish I had better news."

"Honestly? At this point? I should have known this peace wouldn't last long."

"Oh you need not worry, there are no impending battles. It's just that, well... Your Shield has been emptied of its inhabitants."

It...

What?

Chapter 4: "Imagine Dragons? But they're right there. AND THEY'RE EATING MY DAMN SOFA!"

Chapter Text

Back in Japan, Naofumi had never risen before Twelve. A benefit of night classes he supposed.

Of course, less than a week into his adventures, he struggled to wake after Four in the Morning. There was always just something else that needed doing, some unfinished task he couldn't afford to sleep on. There were occasions where he no longer had to be so battle-ready, but then he simply plopped his ass on a chair and fiddled with precious metals and gemstones while simultaneously synthesizing potions. As a result of this newfound work ethic and lack of sleep, mercifully offput by his also newfound stamina, when he finally awoke to strangers in his bed, it was still early enough that he could swallow his yelling.

There were four other people in the room where there should have only been one and a cat. One was Ost, so at least one was an ally. The breathing pattern of the others didn't match a cat's, so they were definitively people. Filo and Raphtalia were not present, the noise of the room lacked Filo's grinding teeth or Raphtalia's tendency to sleep-talk. The lack of fear and urgency on Ost's face indicated that she wasn't being threatened or coerced and the clear colour in her eyes ruled out possession or charming. Looking into her eyes, he saw the reflection of who was behind him. The silhouettes indicated one male sitting in a chair, two females in his bed. One was very clearly a Demi-Human, or even a demon, given the horns poking out from the covers.

Straining his ears further, he noticed that only one of them indicated the slow steady breathing and heartrate of sleep. The other two were either faking or lazy. He'd assume that both were faking, just to be safe.

"Satisfied that there's no problems? You could just ask me you know." Ost was amused that somehow, in only a couple weeks, he got even more paranoid. She still spoke softly, he usually had reason to be suspicious. In her experience, it was just easier to play along until he was comfortable. Kinda like some sort of turtle-bear.

"Yeah, yeah, just wanna be sur- Something is touching my ass." Ost coughed into her hand to disguise a chuckle. Naofumi spoke up, not too loud as to wake his daughters, but making sure to be clear. "Alright, all of you out now."

"But-!"

"No buts. Certainly not mine, get out and let me change. We'll talk over breakfast. Ost, would you hit the light as you leave? It's that white rectangle by the door." Ost gave him a thumbs-up before dragging and shooing everyone else out. They were all naked too. "And please put some clothes on!" One of them, some cat lady, groaned. None of them fought back as Ost shoved them out the door though. Before leaving she punched the lightswitch, shattering the casing and denting the wall.

She looked confused, before being embarrassed. "That was a figure of speech wasn't it?"

"*Sigh* Don't worry about, just please close the door. I'll deal with it later." She scurried out the door, quickly slamming the door shut. Naofumi's attempt to protest was aborted, he really didn't want to wake up the other three. Sighing again, he finally got out of bed, getting all the daily ablutions out of the way and getting dressed. Come to think of it... He hadn't really looked at his room. He was too tired and it was too dark to really take in any of it.

The room itself was slightly smaller than your standard swimming pool, absolutely too large to fit into the building properly. He hoped Kizuna didn't get stuck in a similarly uncanny room. She really didn't need to think she ended up back in the Infinite Labyrinth again. Poor kid's dealt with that for long enough. Anyway, his bed sat next to the door, not against the wall but near a three-seater sofa. Two chairs faced diagonally towards the sofa from the head and foot of the bed. An oak coffee table sat in the middle of them, a tea-set and coasters were neaty arranged on it. A small pile of silver trays sat underneath.

The upholstery was all rather simple and classy varnished wood, highlighted with dark green chiffon. The bed itself was canopied, sheer silk curtains hung up on the frame. It was at least a kingsize. Opposite the small living area was a fully stocked home gym set. Weights, punching bags and various machines. Amusingly, an image of Bitch had been stenciled directly into the leather. A perfect target. What was less impressive however, was that said gym set was right next to the full wall dominating window. It looked out over the entire city, mostly. There was another apartment building right next to his, from which a mannequin pulled her glasses down slightly to look at him. If it had a face, he imagined it would look shocked. Mostly because he was still mostly naked.

Quickly he made for the left-hand-side, closest to the door was the walk-in closet. Ahead of that was an on-suite bathroom. The right side of his overly large room had been dedicated as a workshop/glasshouse. All of his stowed materials and half-finished accessories were laid out on various workbenches and beside them was a small building surrounded by UV lamps shining into the small garden. He wondered if anyone has a larger room, he then wondered who would be so vain as to need one.

Wondering no longer, he stepped into the closet, not wanting to wear the same clothes he had for months now. Pennypinching was fine when on the road, not when sitting in a somehow-always-too-warm classroom with twenty other people. Granted, he was pretty sure only half had a sense of smell anyway, but there was still the other half to think of. See!? He could be considerate!

He plucked a note off the closet door, "Feel free to customise to your heart's content! Just be sure to wear the uniform!' What the hell?" So what? No armour? Well, the more said he could accessorise, so the only thing that really had to go was the breastplate. In the end, his outfit made him look like some chuuni. The school's blazer was more like a jacket, falling to his thighs. The logo on its lapel proudly announced 'Isek-High!' "Heh, that's such garbage. Whoever came up with that should be fired." A simple white shirt and black slacks made up the rest of the uniform, simple, easy.

And because he just had to be that little bit extra, Naofumi threw on his cloak, gauntlets, boots and tassets. Slipping the Shield back onto his arm, he was ready for the redo of a highschooler.

...

Why was he doing this again?

Another sigh, more pain and he finally left his room. The first thing he noticed was that there were three more doors in a slightly enlarged room. "The Entity really puts the 'Lim' in liminal space. As in unlimited ideas of how to break the third-dimension." One door depicted a mountain, a small puppy frolicking at its base. The second door was a purely black block of granite, crimson runes littered its surface. It looked like what an early teen would think is cool. The last was strangely enough just a standard black door. Nothing even remotely discernable about the door stood out. Strange, which in itself was weird. Although... Why did he get the sensation that this was less deliberate and more out of laziness?

None of them looked like it would belong to Ost though. Maybe hers was in a different building or floor? Ah well, he'd figure it out soon enough. Time for breakfast.

Naofumi found that the newest guests were all properly dressed, a stellar improvement as far as he was concerned. Without so much as a second glance, he got to work on food. Rice, fish that wasn't trying to kill him, fresh vegetables and coffee? He had found heaven. Truly. The guests sitting at the table were mostly quiet, talking amongst themselves as he worked. Ost led most of the conversation. The male Dragon kept glancing at him out of the corner of his eye before darting his base back down to the newspaper he was reading. Naofumi wondered what possible news this fake world had. He read the headline on the front, "Local Arch-Priestess yells at Skeleton, giving him a general sense of anxiety". Huh, that's some title. The cover image featured Aqua flailing her arms as Kazuma dragged her away from Ains.

Well at least he won't be bored. As for the other guests, the female Dragon imperiously stuck her nose up, ignoring Ost's attempts at asking her about her preferences. Of course, whenever Naofumi looked at her, she stared back at him with rosy cheeks and a toothy snarling smile. Like she's trying to be seductive and failing miserably. He didn't want to touch that with a ten-foot pole. It was kind of weird, the first Dragon guy was mostly normal, just with wings, albeit two pairs, and a tail. The other one had massive forward-facing horns, webbed frills in place of ears, two pairs of wings and a tail. His mind wandered once more, what made these two so different? Evolution? Power? Gender? Better ask later.

His last guest lounged back in her chair, oblivious to anyone speaking. More than once her head rolled forward before snapping back, vainly attempting to stay awake. The cat ears poking out of her hair twitched, twisting back and forth, clearly paying attention to her surroundings. The lazy act was just that, instead he'd have to keep an eye on her in case she tries pouncing. Byakko was more than enough to deal with as is. No telling what they'd do. The cat lady's tail puffing up with irritation only further drove home she was significantly more aware and capable than she appeared.

The rice cooker pinged and the vegetables finished frying. A little unorthodox, but it got the job done. Setting up and passing around plates he finally sat down for the first real meal in nearly a week. It was silent as they ate. Naofumi made no effort to ask for an explanation, simply digging in and contentedly ignoring them.

It was finished almost as quickly as it came, fast enough that his sigh of satisfaction was punctuated by a cloud of steam. "Alright," everyone straightened up, ready to say their piece. "What in the actual f*cking sh*tballs is going on?" Ost decided that she was best to begin.

"As I mentioned previously, your Shield has been emptied of its inhabitants. This is Gaelion, the Dragon on the mountain that ate Filo. And this is... Er, the Devil Dragon Emperor? The very same one Kizuna defeated as part of her tenure as a Hero."

The Devil Dragon leaned forward with a smirk on her purple lips. "A pleasure to truly meet you at last darling~"

"Coming off a little strong there gecko. You need to let the man come to you." The cat lady spoke, raising the ire of The Devil Dragon. She too smirked, clearly enjoying how easy it was to wind her up.

"Such passivity is unbecoming of you Lady of Violence. You should seize what is yours by right of your sheer might. Shield! You will grant me young, I shall bear a clutch of powerful Demi-Dragons!"

"No. Lady of Violence?"

The aforementioned lady spoke next. "yup, name's chomusuke. i'm a demi-goddess. other-halves goddess of sloth. 'm violence." Her voice was surprisingly deep and husky. Though perhaps not too surprising since she looks like she just rolled out of her bed at all times. The messy half-done-up shirt, overly large blazer, frizzled hair and mismatched socks only made her look even more dishevelled and lazy. A real 'C+ College Student' look. It seemed all her energy went toward insults. She even managed to get her hands on pre-scuffed sneakers. Untied, obviously.

"Right, okay then. As for you 'Devil Dragon Emperor', I'm not saying all that every time I need to refer to you. How do you feel about the name 'Dora'?"

"You may refer to me however you wish love~" In stark contrast to her feline nemesis, Dora was dressed to the nines. Her clothing was wrinkle-free, properly done up and looked like it had even been ironed beforehand. Probably really easy for a Dragon. The pant-suit/blazer combo highlighted her muscular figure, doing her plenty of favours. Naofumi would be lying if he said he wasn't tempted. It was the superiority complex that killed it for him. At least she wasn't wearing heels, the click-clack would probably drive him insane. He wouldn't have expected croc-skin moccasins, then again, it also made perfect sense.

"And you, Gaelion right? I suppose I should thank you for the power-ups." Gaelion seemed even less inclined to decorum as Chomusuke, wearing only the blazer and shin length trousers, bare-footed and bare-chested seemed to be his thing.

"It's hardly my doing, most of it was you, I just 'shifted' things in the right direction. If I had done more you would have consumed me entirely. And there are things I need to do before I can disappear." His gaze pointed off into the distance, something weighing heavily on his mind.

"Well okay then. I suppose that's everything then? You'll have to repeat introductions when the other three wake up. Until then, I've got a couple things I need to do." As if waiting for him, his phone began ringing. Wait, when did he get a phone? Ah well. "Hello?"

"Yo, 'Fumi! Can't sleep either eh? You wanna meet up on the roof? I can totally fill you in!"

"Yeah, sure, see you in five." Naofumi smirked at the whoop over the line, closing the phone and tossing it into a pocket and making to leave.

"Wait is that it!? You're just going to leave?" Ost, Gaelion and Dora were all confused by the sudden dismissal.

So Naofumi cleared things up. "Yes, we got the explanations out of the way, I can blame the bitch upstairs for the why's and how's and I now have other business to attend to. You're adults, entertain each other. Just keep it to your rooms. The girls don't need that." Without another word he left, gently pulling the door to click shut.

"... kazuma showed me how to turn the tv on. you wanna watch something?"

"What's on?"

"there's a documentary about the automobile and street racing industries."

"Interesting. What's it called?"

" 'The Fast and The Furious' i think."

•^•

Naofumi found the door to the roof wedged open by a chair, a sign on it read, 'No Entry', below it was, written in permanent marker, 'Unless It's in yur Mom!' He couldn't tell if the typo was intentional or not, but he had to admit that it added something to it.

Moving the chair, he stepped through, letting the door shut quietly. The roof was exactly as you'd expect. Gravel, rails and vents. Nothing new. At the edge sat Subaru, who had yet to notice him. Naofumi was a little worried by how comfortable the kid was about being so high up. He wasn't surprised though. Which in itself was more worrisome. Entity give him strength.

"Hey kid yo-" Subaru spun with a yelp, teetering right over the rooftop. Two simultaneous screams of "OH sh*t!" Echoed across the waking city as Naofumi spawned a Shield under him. Both hearts were pounding with the sudden burst of adrenaline. He pulled the Shield back to the rooftop, with the almost-a-splatter hopping over the gap and spreading out on the gravel, laughing and sobbing in equal measure.

Actually, it started getting worse. He started shaking, hyperventilating, his laughter turned manic and streams of tears ran down his cheeks. Naofumi noticed it for what it was, his brother had enough for him to figure it out quick enough. He gripped Subaru by the shoulders, gently squeezing. "Hey buddy, it's all good. You're gonna be fine, come on, try and take deep breaths. You hear me? Just listen to my voice. Deep breaths, I'm here, it'll be fine. You're fine. Nothing's happening." Naofumi talked through it, helping to ground the teen and give him something else to focus on.

It took at least five minutes for Subaru to finally recover, wiping down his face with his sleeves. Naofumi handed him a cloth instead. "Th-Thanks. Sorry about that. I didn't-"

Naofumi squeezed Subaru's shoulder again. "It's alright. I understand. My little brother had similar experiences. Besides, it's not like it's your fault. Probably should've announced myself."

"Heh, are you some kind of ninja? You could totally do that."

"Nah, I'm more of an Assassin/Tank. The least optimised possible class combo ever. The D&D bros would crucify me for my blasphemous skillset."

"At least you aren't just a Bard. I don't even know how to play guitar!" Subaru's smile was shaky at best, pushing down the fear and panic. The two of them sat with their backs against the rail.

"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?"

"I... Y'know, I forgot! Hah! Ahh, don't worry about it! I'm just overreacting!" Naofumi just felt worse about this entire f*cked up situation. This kid needs a damn nap and at least fifty hugs.

"C'mon Subaru. You can talk to me. I'm not going to drop this. I already have a little brother who's been through this before, I'm uniquely qualified." Naofumi patiently sat and waited. Subaru would talk in his own time, he just needed time. It was the least he could give him.

"... I literally can't talk about it. I want to, but... It never works out." Subaru gripped his knees tighter, bringing them to his chest, burying his head in cloth.

"You don't have to be specific. You can't talk about your main problem. Fine. But there's more to it than just the one anomalous thing you can't talk about. Take your time and just, say what you can." Naofumi's more relaxed sitting position, with one hand on a raised knee, the other flat on the ground, belied the tensing of his muscles as he struggled to not scream. Subaru was such a good kid. A little too loud and honest, but he did right by others however he could. He had a bigger heart than most people deserved. If he asked, there would be plenty of people who would rush to his side. People like Subaru were rare and precious, at least, Naofumi believed so.

"I... I think I might have f*cked up. I... Made a deal that I probably shouldn't have. And I just... I don't know if it was the right choice. I don't think I had much of a choice, but I still feel like I chose wrong. Is that stupid?"

"Not even remotely. I'm gonna guess you can't even discuss the terms of this deal either. My business degree is gonna be wasted at this rate. But whether you made this deal to protect yourself or the people you care about, all that matters is that you don't let it be for nothing. Lie, steal, cheat, kill, anything to win. 'Course, given that it's you, it would probably be best if you didn't. Or at least leave it as a last resort. No, instead you need to train, read, learn as much as possible. You should try learning how to use a sword, I can tell you how to live off the land. Have your girls reach you magic, whatever you possibly can to ensure you succeed. Anything less would be an insult to your own ability."

Subaru stared at the floor wide-eyed in awe. Did this guy really have that much faith in him? It was virtually unthinkable, Naofumi was everything he wanted to be, but he apparently appreciated him? It didn't seem right to him but... "How are you so strong? I can only guess what you've been through, but you're able to look at me and... See someone to admire? I just don't get it."

"Because people like me are weak Subaru. It's not strength that keeps me going, more... Obligation. It's people like you that do it because you're a good person who wants to do right by others. You could just side-step it all, or compromise who you are. Instead, you throw yourself into it, never losing who you were. You were strong enough to make the choice. In comparison, I'm stuck. I was never given a choice. I could have proven everyone wrong, been the virtuous and noble Hero. But as soon as I hit a roadblock, I followed my rage, my hatred, my bitterness. Do you want to know the truth of why I bought Raphtalia in the first place? Because I looked at her and I saw the bitch who stabbed me in the back. You've done nothing wrong Subaru. You're strong enough to fight for a better future for yourself. You're nothing like me, which means you're doing pretty well by my estimate. As for physical strength? Well, I literally can't hurt anyone with this on my arm. So that's one more thing you have over me."

Subaru struggled not to start sobbing. The idea that someone could have been... Poisoned like this. 'He thinks... That he's some failure?' Subaru knew for a fact that it wasn't true. He only had to see how Raphtalia and Filo both fawn over and look up to him. He couldn't read Rishia as much, but even she hung on his every word. Is...? Is Naofumi just as broken as he was? "You... I've seen first-hand what the result of that was. Raphtalia is so confident and kind. She wouldn't be so enamoured with you if you messed up like you think. Filo might be mischievous, but aren't all kids? They look up to you. Even if you aren't the most moral, you still did a hell of a lot more than anyone should have expected. I... The only thing I managed to do for Rem is..."

"...Yeah?"

"I know she has feelings for me. And honestly? I really want to return the favour. But when I look at her... All I can think of is... She killed me. And I watched her die. Whenever I look at her, it's all I can think of. And I get scared. I shouldn't. But I do." Finally stating it out loud was surprisingly cathartic. Enough that he didn't even bother holding back the fat tears rolling down his cheeks again. He didn't even protest when Naofumi pulled him into a side-hug.

They sat in silence further. Both needing to digest each others words.

"...You're really strong physically too."

"What, because I threw a ball hard? That's not what I mean."

"No I know how you meant it but..." By this point Naofumi had figured out what was going on, so when he saw Subaru rub his neck, the dots connected instantly.

"sh*t! Subaru I'm so sor-"

"No! Don't! I get it. I-"

"I can't just brush off killing you!"

"Oh yeah? Well as the victim, I'm the only one with the right to forgive you or not. And I do. My actual point was, you killed me with a single punch. So whatever mechanics are preventing you from dealing damage didn't cross over here."

"Heh, you and Rishia would get along. I'm still sorry that we had to find out because I'm an asshole."

"Filo had been dropped in the kennel. She was shaking and crying. I'd probably react the same way. You... Really care about them too."

"... Yeah, of course. They're my daughters. I'd do anything for them."

"Then my 'Thing' serves a purpose again!" Subaru jumped up, placing his hands on his waist with a big grin lighting up his face.

"Please refer to it as literally anything else."

"Whaat!? You're not appreciative of my 'Thing' Bro!? Okay thinking about it that sounds terrible. I'll just call it a cheat. ...Hey, Naofumi? You meant what you said right. About me at least. Right?"

"Of course, I meant all of it. I only lie when it's economical."

"Well, thanks. I really needed to hear that I think. everything you said about yourself is garbage though."

"Well, the grass is always greener and all that."

"But we're not going yet."

"Huh? Why not?"

"We've talked plenty about me. Now you have to share your problems with me! It's only fair. I shared my worst experience. What's yours? If you're fine talking about it of course." Subaru sat down again, cross-legged and waiting.

"...All right." Naofumi took a small wooden horse out of his Shield, handing it to Subaru.

"What's this?"

"Important. The first area I visited during my adventure was Lute. A small mining village. I'll spare you the details but, one day, a kid ran full speed into me. His toy, a wooden horse, shattered. His mother apologised profusely, but instead I spent the time to give that kid a replacement. Whittling it by hand. When I handed it to him, both his and his mother's eyes practically sparkled. Unused to generosity it seemed. I told the kid he had to be strong and protect his mom when he told me he wanted to be an Adventurer. Come the first Wave and what do you know, it's in Lute. The other three Heroes rushed off to fight the boss, while Raphtalia and I headed to the town."

"For the most part, it went well. Casualties were a minimum and only a couple buildings collapsed. It could have been far worse. Unfortunately, one of the casualties was... It was the kid. I never even learned their names. I was always just... Busy. But, I found the mom. She was hunched over his corpse, still clutching that damn toy. I couldn't do much, I tried to... Well, hold her. She screamed at me. 'Why didn't you save him!?' She calmed down and apologised, though I think I deserved it. She was a grieving mother. At that point she had every right to berate me. I helped her bury her child, had to chisel the name and date myself because her hands couldn't stop shaking."

"The King was being a belligerent sh*t and I had to visit the capital first. But I came straight back. Evidently, three days is a lot more than you think." Subaru's heart sunk, he knew what was coming. "I visited her home. The other villagers wanted to give her some space to mourn. So what I found was her... Just hanging there. That very same toy stuck in her grip from Rigor Mortis. I buried her with her kid. Figured they should at least get to rest in peace together."

"Damn. I-I'm not sure what to say. ...The whole lot of us drew the short straw didn't we? I don't even know how that happens!"

"Nah, there's one long straw. That's how we get isekai protags like Kirk."

"Pfft, Kirk." Subaru handed the toy back to Naofumi, who stowed it back in his inventory. "You know... You did everything you could. And more. Virtually no casualties? With only two of you? That's impressive, no matter who looks at it. Some people just, sometimes they lack the will for just a bit too long and no-one's there to help them. But, we can help them can't we? We just, have to try a little harder."

"...Yeah, we just need to try harder." Naofumi stood up, holding his hand out to Subaru, who took it gratefully.

"I think my ass is numb, we've been sitting up here so long the sun's coming up!"

The light washed over the city below, the golden glow flowing across every available surface, a bright carpet to cover up the shadows.

"Hey Naofumi?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I call you Aniki?"

"Sure. Otouto."

The two smiled at each other, content that, in that moment, they could see the darkness crawling at the back of their heads and chase it out.

"...This feels a little too romantic, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, this is really weird, let's go."

These two oh-so-totally macho 'dudes', embarrassed by their little moment, scurried for the roof door. Though they were interrupted by a little fuzzy face poking around the door. "Rafu?"

"Ah, perfect timing Raph-chan, here, make sure this guy professes his undying libido to Rem for me." Naofumi picked up the tanuki, pressing a smooch on her snout before handing her to his little brother.

Raph-chan and Subaru stared at each other for a moment, "Rafu!" A soft glow from her paws against his chest made him feel like there was just that little bit less pressure around his heart. Like this little fuzzball could single-pawed hold back the curse shackling him.

"You, are the single most adorable little lady I've ever laid eyes on. Let's go bully Puck with how much cuter you are." An affirmative "Rafu!" Later and they headed back downstairs.

"I need to cook for the girls, so I'll see you in class."

"You got it Bro! See ya'!"

"See ya'" He watched as Subaru flew down the stairwell, looking lighter than ever. Naofumi would be lying if he said he wasn't feeling a hell of a lot better about life in general after just, talking. Suck it Therapists, you're redundant! And with that absolutely terrible advice in mind he stepped into his room to begin cooking again.

...

...

"WHAT THE f*ck DID YOU DO TO MY COUCH!!??"

Chapter 5: "Why is that skeleton staring at me? I hope he just wants to kill me."

Chapter Text

"Report."

Ains had some knowledge of other worlds and even pocket dimensions. But stuffing the entirety of The Tomb of Nazarick into a college dorm room? Well, it was convenient, but how?

The Man in question sat upon his throne, his Floor Guardians and Combat Maids stood awaiting orders. At his request, Albedo took the chance as the highest ranking member to offer her report first. "Do you desire an overall assessment or a more detailed summation of information gleaned of the newcomers?" She looked to him, very clearly fighting down the urge to say something off-colour and inappropriate. Ains thanked The Entity for somehow managing to make his followers more pliant towards his orders. It made him mad that someone would do that to his own. But still, convenient. Less chance of suffering a heart attack.

Or... Whatever the equivalent for an undead is. Orb attack? Spirit attack? Life attack? *Ahem*!

"These newcomers, this 'Shield Hero'. He has interacted with you all in some way yes? He has also convinced Kazuma, Megumin and YunYun to enter into a relationship. He even held against a fastball from Mare. His wisdom and power are clear. Do you have anything to add?" 'Plus, he's pretty scary. Why are the regular Japanese shut-ins more terrifying than most demons? His aura kinda reminds me of Sebas too.'

Albedo began. "After the party, as we made our way to our dormitories, we came upon a depiction of the Shield Hero battling a gargantuan turtle Monster. According to him, its purpose is genocide in order to gather energy to prevent some cataclysmic event. One-third of every living thing on the planet were his exact words." Hums of consideration came from the older members of his advisory. Sebas and Cocytus were both intrigued. "He also made strange comments toward Shalltear. To quote, after Shalltear wondered at his taste. 'Grab a straw and see. You might need to suck hard though, not much blood in here as it is. Unless you plan on sucking something else. In which case I'll have to say no thanks. I prefer grown women.' End quote."

"Hmm, he certainly doesn't scare easily. 'Not much blood in here as it is.' He's no undead, but he would inevitably recover from any exsanguination. Unless something prevented such recovery somehow? Is there anything else to add?"

"Not from me. Sebas? I believe you mentioned at least learning something by proxy?"

Sebas rose from a kneel. "Yes. Naofumi briefly met with Wilhelm. They had a discussion about his non-consensual transport here. The Shield Hero apparently made multiple death threats. He appears to be rather untrusting, but not unreasonable. I only briefly saw him in passing, but with but a glance I could tell something was... Wrong."

"Wrong?" Ains leaned forward, intrigued. 'Is Naofumi somehow as messed up as Subaru, Tanya and I?' "Wrong as in he is being manipulated somehow? Or wrong in that he isn't what he says he is?"

"A little of the second my Lord. Though even in that case, I do not believe he understands it himself. He may even be ignorant. He appears to possess special abilities akin to Martial Arts. And my Appraisal does not seem to show me his race. It states clearly Human, but with an additional question mark. I have read over and memorised the Bestiary. Yet he appears to not belong to any race or subset of humanity that I have ever seen. I could glean eve less from the Shield. Only that it possesses unfathomable power."

Demiurge stepped forward to offer additional information. "My Lord, if I may? I too have Appraised him. As one with far greater analytical capabilities, I was able to recover significantly more information."

Sebas ducked back as Ains waved his hand for Demiurge to continue. "Go on. I will admit my curiosity."

"Thank you my Lord. To be clear, he appears to have stunted regeneration due to an exceptionally powerful curse. One at least equal to the one that affected Shalltear. A Curse of Wrath, to be more precise."

"Oh? Wrath? Do you know the source of this curse?"

"You will find this most amusing my Lord. It appears to be something that came from the Shield itself. Though to be more accurate, it appears that the so-called 'Divine' Shield can filter the Hero's own incredible wrath into power. The curse seems to have some form of backlash from overuse. His true stats are reduced by thirty percent for the duration of a full month. As for his race, I too found nothing. Which in itself means one of two things. He can alter my perception of his stats or he is partially an entity that does not exist on YGGDRASSIL. If I were a betting man, I would place a single coin on the second option."

"Peculiar. Try striking up a conversation with him. Determine his true nature. I do not wish to leave it up to chance. You are not a betting man. Neither am I. Now, these 'Martial Arts' of his. I am curious."

"The ones I could see were, 'Animal Magnetism', 'Perfect Balance', 'Enhanced Retention' and 'Clairvoyance'. These are abilities native to him alone and have nothing to do with the Shield. Animal Magnetism is self-explanatory, beast-class Monsters are more likely to accommodate him."

Aura jumped up with a yell. "WAIT! He can just do that normally!? I put my heart and soul into Monster taming! Let me at 'im! I'm gonna punch 'im!" Mare held his sister back, using his staff to lock her in a half-nelson.

Demiurge continued without missing a beat.

"Perfect Balance harkens to his immunity to nausea, dizziness, inebriation and vertigo. Enhanced Retention allows him to learn new things at an extraordinary rate. And of course Clairvoyance, randomised prophetic dreams. The idea that an ordinary human would possess such abilities is concerning to say the least. Even our overwhelming power would falter in the face of future visions perfectly countering our every move."

"Thank you Demiurge. That was... A very thorough description. Your contribution is noted and appreciated. Mare, you encountered Naofumi next, yes? What exactly happened?"

Mare was perturbed to be singled out, but he knew that it was fine. 'Remember what sis taught you, just imagine he's in his underwear.' He looked up at Ains. And nearly passed out on the spot. 'WHY DO I STILL LISTEN TO HER!?' "Mare? Are you well?" Ains was concerned for the young boy. He wasn't that scary... Right?

"*Ahem* Apologies my Lord. I struck a ball, it flew further and harder than I meant it to. It nearly hit Raphtalia, but she was about to cut it in half before Naofumi caught both the sword and the ball. He threw it back at me, knocking over Master Cocytus and Darkness. He then threatened me to be more careful. He... His face dropped when I apologised. I think he was just upset. He was nice to me after." Mare thought back to Naofumi's original look. He wasn't sure just how a human could seemingly fit so much hatred into a mortal shell. But he apparently managed it.

Ains considered this new information. 'His weaknesses are Milfs and children huh? A man after my own heart. Well, hopefully he likes both for different reasons. I might have to kill him otherwise.' "Thank you Mare. Perhaps you and your sister could handle an additional responsibility. I would like you both ingratiate yourselves with him. It will make any future interactions simpler and easier if he already has better opinions of us." 'Also I hope an actual adult will help reign these kids in.'

"Solution, Narberel and Yuri. You three, alongside Sebas will attempt to gain as much info on him as possible. Try to be subtle though. Solution? Maybe try to use a more weathered face. Do not try to eat him, but besides that, your usual techniques should work."

The four in question spoke their affirmatives. "Shalltear." She rose her head, ready for what came next. "Your antagonism will not stand, not towards a prospective ally. I'm not asking you to sing his praises, but cease raising his ire. Understood?"

"Of course, Lord Ains, I will... *Erk* Apologise to him tomorrow." Being kind to a human left a sour taste in her mouth. But she'd do it for Nazarick and Ains.

"Very good, now Lupusregina? You are the one who originally brought up Naofumi's willingness to ally with us. Please, explain what actually happened."

"You got it Master! So we actually met Raphtalia first. She got drunk and said that you weren't that interesting, we, as in the Pleiades, wanted to defend your honour. The only problem was that she's really strong! Even when sloshed she still hit as hard as Sebas! We all just kinda collapsed into a pile afterwards. I thought that Naofumi might've been a pervert trying to grope her, so I grabbed his arm. He's pretty paranoid though, he dragged me up and headbutted me! I mean who does that!?"

"Please stay on topic LupusRegina. He healed you did he not?"

"Oh, Yeah! He said something weird though. I think he invoked your name for some reason."

"My name? Was it Momonga or Ains?"

"He said 'Ains Heal'."

"Ahh, I believe I see the confusion. What he said was Einz, not Ains. Einz is the German word for 'First'. Zweite for second and Dritte for third."

"Ohh, that makes so much more sense! Yeah, he cast first heal and the bruise on my face disappeared. I didn't even feel the stinging that usually lingers after heals."

"Hmm, intriguing. Naofumi appears to be a powerful clerical mage. Which makes sense. The Shield is likely a healing and support specialist." 'A first tier healing spell from Naofumi is sixth level? That would mean third tier would be at least tenth or even eleventh tier. If he cast that on myself or Shalltear... OH NO. Why is the guy willing to murder us all actually capable of it!?' His panic was short-lived as his emotions were regulated once more. "Please continue."

"Well, he did say there were four tiers of magic in his world. I guess it's 'Einz, Zweite, Dritte' and then Revelation."

"Revelation? Could that perhaps be a World tier spell?" 'HE COULD USE WORLD TIER MAGIC INNATELY!!?? AHHHHH!!!' It took three to four bursts to regulate the panic rising in him. "If he is capable of such power, all the more reason not to antagonize him. LupusRegina, he did ask about a possible alliance, did he not?"

"Yep! I'm not sure why though. If he's supposed to be a Hero then shouldn't he be an enemy anyway?"

"It is likely that he is more of a 'The ends justify the means' kind of Hero. I would not be surprised if he wishes to use us for resources and training. In return, we can use him for his own skills. Clairvoyance alone will be a game changer. Demiurge?"

"An alliance with such an individual would be the most logical choice. As such, I took the liberty of accepting his offer for you. I do not wish to be presumptuous, but I was sure that Lord Ains would agree." Demiurge bowed low, doubt suddenly crossing his mind. Should he have reported first?

"In future, I would prefer it you came to me first. But I will accept your reasoning. Raise your head. I believe we are all in agreement then? After school we will negotiate with the Shield Hero. Those who have their roles, you may take to them as you like. But do not bring shame to us. If you make no progress, step back and await reassignment. Do not double-down. It will not work. Understood?"

A dozen voices called back to him. "YES MASTER!"

•^•

"S-So, you're the Dragon that drove Naofumi to be so violent?" Naofumi's party had awoken and emerged to find three new roommates. A thorough explanation over pancakes later and Raphtalia looked ready to throw hands. Filo was on the verge of an aneurysm, wanting nothing to do with these 'stinky Dragons'. Rishia in particular finally found enough of a spine to want Dora dead.

Dora didn't care much for the girl glaring at her. "I didn't make him do anything. I simply allowed him to drain my strength for his own. The feeling of one so powerful supping from me. Growing stronger from giving in to their own hate. Mmm. Intoxicating."

Naofumi tossed their dishes in the dishwasher, built into the wall, very tasteful, before turning back to the table. "Please don't make noises like that in front of my children. Now that we've eaten and gotten the explanations out of the way, we need to get going. I have no plans to find out how people are punished here." As they left Chomusuke wrapped herself across Gaelion's shoulders.

For whatever reason, there appeared to be a bus stop outside the dormitories. A very simple sign was about all It was. Considering everything else, you'd think there would be more here.

Some would, that's why it's funny. I mean-!

Naofumi and his party stood waiting. Though they weren't the only ones. A redheaded man alongside an equally blue haired man stood with them. The redhead was eager to introduce himself. "Hello there. My name is Reinhard. A simple guardsman of Lugunica and Felt's supporter. I couldn't help but overhead that you were Heroes? I wonder what that entails exactly?" He was earnestly curious. Naofumi, what a shocker, didn't trust him one bit. Raphtalia decided this was a moment where she needed to act as a diplomat. She really didn't need her master making more enemies.

"Hi, I believe we've already met. You have a surprisingly strong arm. But for the sake of camaraderie, I'm Raphtalia. This is Filo and Rishia."

"What, am I chopped liver?" Naofumi was mostly joking. Mostly.

Reinhard kept his smile, what, does he have a 'Handle awkward situations' Divine Protection? f*ckin' Gary Stu's man. Okay I'll shut up now. "Subaru and Rem have both had nothing but good things to say about you Lord Naofumi. 'Strong and Kind' were the words I heard most oft'."

"Are you sure they're not talking about my good twin, Nwatani Iaofumi? I can assure you every good thing you ever hear about me is exaggerated and every bad thing you hear is understated. I'm actually the most evil, inhumane bastard to ever walk the earth." Reinhard chuckled, surprised by the unabashed sarcasm and self-deprecation.

"Oh I'm sure it can't be that bad. I am curious though. What is your goal exactly? For what reason are you a Hero?" Reinhard wondered at the quality of a man so willing to stand tall against some cataclysm. He was about to be sorely disappointed, at least for now anyway.

"Reason? Ha! I got dragged into this against my will and now I either have to save the world or die. The fact that every other person wants to kill me doesn't exactly help. And then there's this worthless overglorified paperweight that ironically, leaves me defenceless. The only good defence is a good offence in my opinion, but I don't have enough of either. If it were up to me I'd hand this thing over to you without a second thought. I'm a business and economics major with a minor in catering and hospitality. Need me to balance your chequebook or cook you a five-star meal? Done. Saving the world from periodic invasions of infinitely respawning Monsters that get significantly more powerful as they go, all while trying to prevent at least three wars? My political history is pretty rusty and I've never so much as thrown a punch before all this. I'm rambling aren't I? Point is, this sucks and I want to go home."

Reinhard's face dropped at his explanation. He had truly hoped to find a more chivalrous soul. Or perhaps... "I see. And yet, you seem to be getting on. You have allies and I saw how you handled Kazuma, Megumin and YunYun. I believe you may be doing just fine. Right Raphtalia?"

"Oh of course. He learnt an entire new language on his own just to read a grimoire in less than a month. I have every faith in him." Raphtalia's kind words struck a chord with Reinhard and it was in that moment that he understood, at least to a degree what Naofumi really thought. How he really felt. The Shield Hero's grimace at the compliment was familiar.

"If someone like Raphtalia is willing to sing your praises them you must be capable. Raphtalia? Would you like to cross blades with me sometime? I would love to see your technique."

Raphtalia looked excited for a moment before reigning herself in, trying to look and act more mature. "Yes, I'd love to train with a master of the blade. There is much I believe I could learn from you."

"Oh Ho! You flatter me! I shall have to do my utmost to live up to the praise."

Their conversation was cut by the bus finally arriving. The rest of the students poured out from within the building, half of them looking like they just rolled out of bed, some with extreme hangovers. When Kazuma spotted him, he rushed over, a huge smile on his face. "NAOFUMI! THANKS TO YOU I HAVE FINALLY CLIMBED THE STAIRS TOWARD ADULTHOOD AND FINALLY TURNED IN MY V CARD! I owe you my life. Use it well."

Naofumi just stared at the kid for a moment. "... What? Did you really have to yell that?" He spotted Megumin and YunYun burying their faces in their hands. Didn't miss that they were both practically glowing though. "I didn't do anything. Just stop being a dumbass. Cherish what you have. Or you'll deserve losing it. Shut up." Naofumi pointed his finger at Reinhard, who was smiling knowingly.

"I wasn't going to say anything."

"You were thinking it."

"I have no clue what you're talking about."

The bus doors finally opened, revealing the driver. "Welcome to the gates of hell!" Arakuremono grinned at them from the wheel. Despite the barbaric look of the man himself, the ride proved uneventful. He obeyed traffic laws and even slowed down for children, the mannequin children anyway. Naofumi was almost disappointed, it was probably because Ains and his group never boarded. 'Probably teleportation. Heh, now there's an idea.'

They arrived at Isekhigh, making their way to their respective classrooms. Something was off though... Chris leaned over to YunYun. "Aren't you supposed to be in Class Three?"

"Th-They told me they were changing the classes up a bit." Almost as if I'm response, Vanir twirled into the room.

"Moi has arrived oh overachieving side-characters. Class Three is receiving new transfers. They shall be joining us later! Now! Roll calllll~"

XWX

Class Two sat at their seats. Naofumi took the very back seat next to Beatrice, Raphtalia and Filo both directly in front with Rishia sitting next to Aura. No-one missed that they seemed to take up natural battle positions. "Ah, wait a sec. Portal Shield." He tapped both his index and middle fingers to the gem on his Shield before firing a tiny mote of light at the floor. "There we go. Commuting can eat my di-"

"*Ahem* Is there something you'd like to say to the claaaaaas~?"

"...No."

"Very goooood~, now I have some exciting newwws~. We are also getting a new Claaaaass~. Class Three will be joining ussss~ on inter-class activities."

"Class Three?" There was much speculation as to the identities of who would be populating the new Class.

"Nooow~ Nooow~, we need to take roll call. You'll meet you're new schoolmates later, ne~?"

Whatever could that mean?

bOWOd

"Hey there! I'm L'arc Berg, the King of Tempest and Vassal Hero of the Scythe. You can applaud now." L'arc had taken the opportunity to introduce himself to the rest of Class One. Though it appeared none of them were particularly impressed. "Come on! I'm a King and a Hero! That's gotta be worth something?" Reinhard clapped for him once. "Alright then if that's how you're gonna be." He sat with a huff, the wind taken out of his sails completely.

"Kizuna Kizuyashi, Cardinal Hero of the Hunting Tool. You could say these three are my servants. Hah!" Her laughter was short-lived as Glass tossed her at her seat.

"That's quite enough of that. Glass, Vassal of the Fan. I am a Spirit." She then drifted to her own seat, ignorant of CZ's eyes scrolling like a receipt dispenser. Taking notes was part of her job and she wasn't half-assing it. Even if she had no concept of what that meant.

"I suppose I will introduce myself last. Therese Alexandrite, I am a living Gem. If you make any jokes about me being rock-hard I'll show you what a mystic meteor shower looks like." The four of them sat huddled together in a square formation.

"Well! Now that the self-conscious kingling, the two ladies who secretly have feelings for each other and the third lady who has an extreme phobia of mops have introduced themselves, LET. US. BEGIN!"

UMU

Mirellia stood tall at the head of Class Three, staring down at her two daughters. "Malt- er, Bitch. If you try anything against Melty I'll do far worse than freeze your mouth shut. Understood?"

Malty nodded, eyes wide with terror. Across the room, a mass of ice had spread across the room, freezing the rest of all but her second daughter to the floor. "Now, I'm going to take roll call. If you cause trouble, far worse will happen to you than this minor discomfort. I will not hesitate to end you all. Now. Anson?"

The man mentioned paused his prayers, not even bothering to struggle. "Present."

"Clementine?"

Struggling against her bonds, the violent sad*st ground her teeth. "Here"

"Dora?"

"Present and accounted for."

"Elsa?"

As much as she tried, her smile faltered in the face of her anger. "Here~"

"Gaelion?"

"I am here, your majesty."

"Now to you Khajiit."

"I will break these bonds and make you an oh so graceful undead!" His ranting froze, along with his face.

"I'll take that as confirmation. Kyo?"

Nursing his groin from where Mirellia had driven her steel-toed greave into it, Kyo shook. From rage and rage alone. Definitely not terror and pain. Nope. "here." He barely managed to squeak out. Probably shouldn't have tried to strangle the level eighty battlemage.

"Ma- Ah, Bitch? And Melty. You're definitely both present. I should probably rewrite your name M-Bitch. Petelgeuse?"

The atrocious bowl-cut with a person attached to it snarled, all thirty of his arms had also been frozen over. "My Goddess shall whisk me from this place! Mark my words!"

Anson looked at the psychopath sitting beside him. "Your prayers for God are not a request for intervention. They are for resolving your own strength."

Before Petelgeuse could start screeching Mirellia cut them all off with a slap to the table. "Good. Now, Sylvia?"

"You know I have ways out of this yes?" It tapped a finger to its lip, a look of faux concentration on its face.

"By all means, try. It will be a fun little excursion, wrangling you into a box. You think I should sever your arms or legs? Perhaps both to be sure? Now, Veldia?"

"*Gulp*, I-I'm here!" 'Why are humans so terrifying!? When did this happen!?'

"Good. Seems you're all here. Perfect. Now, we can finally begin for real."

The look in Mirellia's eye struck everyone present like a physical blow. Was this a school or a prison?

Eh, it's kinda both.

Chapter 6: "What's with this sassy lost child?"

Chapter Text

Betty found herself unable to listen to Roswaal's lecture.

It didn't seem particularly important, who needed to know the mating habits of Giant Frogs anyway? Granted, despite her thoughts about the worth of such a lesson she still took notes. Pen scritching along the notebook, mind far away. She couldn't help but glance aside at the supposed 'Hero' sat next to her.

She didn't mind him there, not really. At first she was ready to tell him to shut up and stop bothering her, but he stared ahead, his own pen scratching across the page in a mix of unfamiliar characters. For some reason he almost seemed to be... Writing in code? Four or five separate languages occupied the page, leaving not a clue as to what he was actually writing.

If she didn't know any better she would have classified him as just as paranoid as Subaru often seemed to be. Picking the perfect spot in the classroom to keep an eye on everyone, his Shield on the left arm to shave off time to put himself between his Party and anyone else. His glare took on a hint of eagerness. A man that reveled in death and violence it seemed.

There were yet more details that held her attention. Roswaal often joked that her curiosity would get the better of her one day.

Betty supposed he was full of sh*t.

Instead of his actions, she began to inspect the man himself. The title of 'Shield Hero' would bring to mind full body platemail gleaming gold or silver. A righteous figure who stuck to a strict code of ethics. Naofumi on the other hand shared Subaru and Kazuma's evil gazes. Either they were related or 'Japan' was a place full of inherently intimidating people. The half-plate and fur cloak gave him the look of a rugged bandit chieftain, the kind that blushing noblewomen read about often. The kind of dashing rogue that would steal away with them for a life of adventure and passion.

Not that she would read such trash of course.

Heh, who're you fooling?

Besides the scary look and callused hands, the most intriguing aspects were the Shield on his arm and the shroud of Curses that he wore like a second skin. Examining the Curse, and by extension his Gate, revealed no innate connection. Water, Yin and Yang. While his Gate was open, only Water and Yang had even been used. The unfathomably powerful Spirit of Protection inside the Shield was just as unlikely to be the culprit. And yet the Curse affecting Naofumi seemed to come from both him and the Shield in tandem.

The curved blade held by the Tanuki Demi-Human and the Book and Mirror held by Naofumi were virtually the same to the Shield, but to a much lesser degree. Even seeming to defer to the Greater Spirit. Examining them she came to the conclusion that they were filters for the Od that adorned them. Further examination led her to conclude that there was a link between personal belief and power versus the Spirit's own.

Her conclusion? This Curse was born of a Greater Spirit at least as powerful as The Dragon or even The Witch filtering the sheer malicious intent to cause extreme violence into tangible power. This power of course, like anything else, had its drawbacks. It was very slowly eating away at him, or more accurately it was corrupting him. 'Flames Of Wrath' also directly contradicted his Water affinity, which probably didn't help.

Strangest of all was that he seemed to embrace this corruption. He wanted to rage and destroy. Wanted to kill and burn without end. Some deep, dark part of him possessed nihilistic psychopathy. This was a man that she needed to keep an eye on. For Puck's sake if nothing else, a Monster like this running around would surely endanger Emilia somehow. A Shield Hero that was more Destroyer than Protector made little sense, but she supposed different worlds had different rules. Maybe 'Shield' means something else in his world?

Then there was the artificial spirit Subaru was holding. It was clearly created by the Shield and Katana, though she didn't know how or why. What she did know is that it shared Raphtalia's Yin and Yang affinities. That and it was capable enough with Yang Magic that it could nullify the Curse hanging over Subaru. Or at least, not nullify, but heavily reduce the effects. Interacting with the soul of other living creatures was incredibly difficult for such a young spirit. Yet, it could reach deep into someone's soul and cleanse such a potent force of corruption. Beatrice's theory was that Raphtalia provided the base affinity and Naofumi's contribution massively enhanced its efficacy. Which only made her more curious...

For now his pen stopped and he finally looked at her. "Do you need something?" His short-clipped whisper was rude and unnecessary. She already didn't like him, this just sealed the deal.

"Betty was wondering how much you know about that Shield, I suppose." Her dead fish gaze bored into his skull, hoping to burn a hole through it without leaving a trace.

"... Less than you do I bet. You're a Spirit right? A pretty powerful one at that too. What do you know, what do you wanna know?" He was forthcoming about his own cluelessness, either a fool or he just didn't care about this particular topic. She'd assume both to be safe.

"Are you in communion with this Greater Spirit of its own will?"

"You're assuming that I chose to have this glorified paperweight shackled to me in the first place. If anything, I'm an unwilling puppet."

"You did not choose to become a Hero? Then how were you chosen?"

"Not a clue. It doesn't speak to me. What little I do know is from trial and error. As for the selection process itself, I just got summoned, the other three Heroes were brought back from the dead."

"True Resurrection? Aqua claims to be capable of such. Kazuma has remarked on his own deaths. Betty believed him a fool. But you're definitely no fool, I suppose. Tell Betty what you know and she'll tell you what she knows."

It had been a while since she was feeling so talkative, but the Shield was too interesting, and dangerous, to live in ignorance of.

She had to know more.

"Hmm, alright." A lazy answer, but an affirmative one. Beatrice looked down with a slight jump at the object that appeared in front of her.

[The Shield Hero is requesting you to form a Party. Accept? (Yes)/(No)]

"What is this?"

"Focus on (Yes) and I can explain it easier. Your world doesn't have a concept of EXP and Levels does it? All Cardinal and Vassal Weapons come with Status Magic, which should help with explaining."

Despite his frightening appearance and violent nature, he was talking low and slow, patiently guiding her through the process. Clearly he was used to teaching. Focusing on (Yes), her vision was taken over by an unobtrusive display of various shapes and numbers. She had no clue how to even begin to interpret any of this. What she did notice is that there were four sets of 'bars' below her own name and singular 'bar'. Naofumi and Raphtalia had three bars, compared to Filo and Rishia's two.

"'Artificial Spirit' huh? Whoever made you must be proud. You're pretty damn powerful." Her head whipped around to glare at him.

"That is not for you to know. You will say nothing." His expression didn't shift.

"That's fine. I'll keep your secrets. Not that I know why that's such a problem anyway. Ah well, right off the bat we have something to discuss. The bars are most notable right? The top bar represents what we call 'Hit points'. They hit zero, you die. Second is 'Mana Points'. Run out? Can't cast magic. Last one is 'Spirit Points'. Only Heroes, Spirits and Undead have access to this. Technically I'm sorta learning how to harness my own spiritual energy with Hengen Musou, but I'm no good with it yet."

"I suppose Betty only has Spiritual Power because she's a Spirit? What is a Level?" Over the next few minutes Naofumi ran through the most basic mechanics with her. Then he explained the various 'Power-up' methods of the weapons.

"Unlocking new forms with materials... May she?" Beatrice gestured to the Shield itself, with Naofumi holding it out to her without hesitation. She looked deeper into it, coming upon an idea. This party system sounded an awful lot like how Spirits worked in her world. It was doubtful that she could override anything. But...

Placing her hand over the gemstone, she performed the spiritual equivalent of a handshake with it. It glimmered with a small light, dying down anti-climactingly. Though his face changing from patient confusion to impressed shock. "Yin Spirit Shield. Equip effect: Shamac, Murak and Vita spells unlocked. Special Ability: Minya. Ooh, nice."

The Shield itself changed shape, becoming purple and black with designs depicting some sort of half-snake Demi-Human woman. "Echidna? The Greek Mother of Monsters? Are you some sort of Divine Vassal or som-" His words were cut off by an even deeper glare than before. "Sorespot, got it. But thanks for this anyway. That'll come in handy. I'll have to pay you back, though I still wanna hear about what you know."

Naofumi thought nothing of the exchange, but Beatrice was very careful to not let on her own emotions. When she interacted with the Shield, she also drained a bit of his mana. Apparently seeing the exact numerical values made it easy to take exact amounts. But that wasn't the part that shocked her. When she took that piece of his soul she saw exactly what kind of person he was. He and Subaru were much more alike than she initially believed.

His Wrath, Malice, Violence and Hatred. They were reflections of what others have shown him. Wrath so great it could bring one back from the dead, Malice toward all living things. The desire to destroy everything, to kill everyone. It wasn't in his own nature. It was simply a reflection of the evils aimed at him and his. But she also felt his Love, Compassion, Kindness and even his Fear and Grief.

It put a lot into perspective. This 'Robe Of Rage' and the Wrath Curse in general functioned similarly to a 'Witch Factor'. Though to what extent she couldn't fathom. Between its resistance to lesser curses and Naofumi's apparent Clairvoyance, or rather, in the interest of not confusing it with Ram's ability, Prophetic sight...

Judgement would have to be set aside for now. But if he has even close to the power that the Shield does...

"You alright? You kinda spaced out." Beatrice snapped back to reality, realising she was lightly floating off her chair, held down by a light pressure. It took her a second to realise he was casting a low-level variant of Vita. He gently placed her back in her chair, his expression now more concerned. Through their new connection his feelings were easy to read.

He wanted to comfort Beatrice. Evidently their connection went both ways and bad memories resurfacing turned on some kind of 'Paternal Mode'. When his hand rested on her head she almost didn't want to throw it off.

She still did it though. Tsundere.

"Betty doesn't need your comfort, in fact. Don't touch her." The small blush on Beatrice's face didn't abate, Naofumi could feel the conflicting thoughts.

"Come on, let your new big bro comfort his little sister. It's the least I could do to repay you. Hell, how does Iwatani Beatrice sound? "

"Betty would rather die, in fact. How does she leave this Party?" Beatrice was not at all happy that her glowing red face betrayed how she really felt. Naofumi simply sighed, the Status Magic disappearing from her vision without warning. The 'Party Leader' having the power to auto kick members.

Huffing and crossing her arms, turning away from him, Beatrice opted to ignore him now. She had what she needed and had not intentions of actually taking him up on his 'offer'.

Silence hung between them for a moment, when a book floated under her nose. "... I'm still ignoring you."

"Heh, got a response. I win." She turned to tell him exactly how she was going to stuff him in a box floating down the river, only to see a sh*t-eating grin on his face. Holding her hand out to smite him, a book was stuffed into her hands. The very same one that he waved under her nose earlier. "If I give you this will you talk to me? I still wanna know what you know."

"... What is it?"

"Curious now are ya'? It's my Book Shield. Don't worry," He lifted his arm to show off his actual Shield, "My Air Strike Shield let's me create copies. You can keep that."

Beatrice cracked open the book... "It's blank."

"Just think about what you wanna know and if I know it, everything I know on the subject will appear. It's pretty useful for recalling recipes. Give it a try."

Sarcastically, she thought 'What is Wind?' Not expecting anything. Then the pages began to fill up with formulae and an essay on 'Atmospheric Pressure'. "Yeah, Modern Day Earth Science is pretty advanced. I wonder if knowing more about how the world works will expand how Magic works? Haven't had the time to figure it out myself, being locked into healing and support. Granted I did get straight A's so maybe my knowledge of Biology makes my magic more potent? Hmm." As his thoughts spiralled, Beatrice was struck with a profound sense of...

Hunger. Suddenly, she had an entire other Library's worth of information that was actually useful. Unlike that one entire shelf dedicated to hardcore BDSM smut that she refused to touch even if the world would end otherwise.

"... Very well. Betty keeps this and she'll give you information. *Ahem*. Your Shield, book, mirror and Raphtalia's Sword are all possessed by Spirits. The gemstones are similar to an Od, which houses the Spirit. Mundane creatures can commune with Spirits, entering contracts. Betty has never heard of a Spirit forcing a Human into a contract but since all Spirits are required to consume mana to survive... Betty imagines that were there to be a mana drought for whatever reason it could happen."

He took notes in another notebook he pulled from his Shield. Convenient, was the Shield a Yin Spirit? Pocket dimensions were usually their domain. Despite interacting with its mana, she still couldn't tell what kind of Spirit of was. It almost felt like it was... Blank? As far as she knew, there was no such thing as a Spirit that changed depending on its contractor. But then, weirder things have happened.

"The only other thing Betty has to say is that your true affinities are Water, Yin and Yang."

"... That doesn't seem right. How am I Water? Fire or Earth would make more sense. And I have no clue what you mean by Yin and Yang. In my world they're representative of 'Evil with the potential of Good,' and 'Good with the potential to do Evil.' I guess."

Beatrice sighed, "Yin is Dark Magic, covering spells that tear an opponent down. Yang is Light Magic, which lifts them up instead. Is that satisfactory? For your information, Minya, Murak, Vita and Shamac are all Yin spells. They can be cast by invoking the trigger word, but with enough skill, you won't need to. In fact, El, Ul and Al represent additional tiers. Is this satisfactory?"

He blankly stared ahead, pen furiously scratching at the page. Breaking from his trance he finally answered her. "Yeah, thanks. You've given me a lot to think about. We even?"

"Of course." Beatrice would rather end their interactions then and there. But fate, or rather, I had different plans.

MWAHAHAHAHA!

*Ahem.*

"It's so good to see you two getting alooooong~" Roswaal appeared between them, his insufferable smile darkening their expressions. They both had the exact same thought.

'Smarmy Prick.' "Of courrrrse~, I would rather you both pay attention to my lecture. Detention for you both." His bright smile filled the Spirit and Shield with thoughts of extreme violence. He turned his back to their gnashing, returning to the front of the class.

'At least I didn't get pelted by chalk this time.' Unbeknownst to them both, there were at least three pieces each that had struck them. Of course, they were so lost in their own thoughts that they didn't even notice. The snickering also flew right over their heads. "Nowwww~. The lecture has concluded, hope you were paying attentionnnn~. This'll likely end up on the test we'll be having in a week. For now, the first half of classes are going to be skipped in favour of an assembly. There's going to be an announcement concerning Class Three."

Ains rose his arm, Roswaal giving him the okay to ask. "Will this additional class also include allies from our world's?" Mathers smiled wider, not answering the question in any way that inspired confidence.

"Whoooo Knoooows~?"

I can assure you dear viewer, this man was definitely one of my people.

OWO

The lecture of Class One went significantly differently. Vanir was much more of a 'Free Study' type of teacher. By that he simply left them to their own devices out of laziness. Occasionally chiming in with random questions. If they got it wrong? They had to sit in the principals office and listen to the General talk. The despair felt by anyone who heard that was something of a delicacy to the sad*stic Sociopath.

More often than not however, it simply led to conversations like this,

"So how big's your harem?"

Julius, Reinhard, Chris, Felt and Kizuna's group sat around two desks that had been smooshed together. L'arc was remarking on his royal status, Felt and Chris both tried for his wallet, finding that he was as flat broke as they were. "A true King gives himself to his people. What was it Naofumi called it? 'Embezzling'? Yeah, screw that. If I need cash I'll just go hunt Monsters for the Adventurer's guild." Reinhard was the only person impressed by his work ethic. The others figured he was a terrible ruler leaving it all to his advisors. Doesn't he know advisors are always evil?

Then Felt chimed in with the worst possible thing to say to anyone in any conversation. As he choked on his own spit from shock, the ladies around the table all lost their minds laughing. Even Reinhard had to disguise a chuckle, coughing into his hand. Julius felt a profound sense of second-hand embarrassment.

L'arc recovered from near death to yell at her. "What the hell are you talking about!? What harem!?"

Felt recovered from her giggles to reply. "Don't most royals have an entire team of maids for 'Polishing' their 'Polearm'? You just seem to be the kind of guy who would."

The Scythe Vassal took severe offense at that statement. "I'm a King, a Vassal and an Adventurer. There is no end to the women who would jump at the chance to bed me. But you wanna know the truth? I literally haven't had a second to myself since the Devil Dragon Emperor rampaged and we had to summon Kizuna to save us. That was SIX-YEARS-AGO! Trust me, the only saving grace is that Glass and Therese don't have a menstrual cycle. I'd've just let that Dragon eat me." He stared off into the distance with a look of vague horror.

Everyone gave him dirty looks in return at that. Julius threw his two cents in to keep them from devolving into violence. "So you summoned Kizuna? How does that work?"

Glass took the reigns with the explanation, cutting off L'arc from speaking.

As they continued to go back and forth, the Pleiades sat and watched them. "My Appraisal has concluded that 'Kizuna, Glass, Therese and L'arc' are all at least on par with us Pleiades. Chances of success were they to attack us: 57.26%. Less if they possess some form of 'Trump Card'. End Analysis." CZ's eyes returned to normal from their comedic telescoping, slapping 'Regina's hand away from swatting them.

Yuri pushed her glasses up, face stern. They could tell she was struggling not to write them off as 'not a threat'. They all had a similar thought however. 'If a Human Child could match us then what good are we?' Instead, what she said was, "You do not need to say 'End Analysis'. It is inefficient. Instead we must learn more. CZ, you will compile data via forming bonds with the Cardinal and her Vassals. Currently, there is no real information on whether the Shield or the Hunting Tool is superior. So we will earn the good will of both."

"Why don't we just finish getting Naofumi on board and then ask him to put in a good word with the others? We aren't exactly the best at diplomacy." Regina figured that if any Human would fit in with Nazarick and its denizens it would probably be the guy who looked at the Lich King and held out his hand in welcome. Didn't Master Ains want them to foster relations with Humans anyway? Treating them like projects probably wouldn't help.

Her sisters all looked at her with varying expressions of confusion. Yuri only just wasn't glaring. "'Naofumi'? And why are you so supportive of Humanity? They are beneath us." The others nodded their assent.

Regina tilted her head, "We might be superior, but, y'know, we still kinda need 'em right? No reason to be rude to their faces." The current head of their group hummed, considering her point.

"... I suppose you have a point. Every greater race requires slaves. But ruling with fear would only incite rebellion. Hmm. Very well. We shall focus on... 'Nafumee' and await further orders after. For now, continue to observe."

Five salutes and they turned back towards the front of the class.

Only to watch as Kizuna summoned a penguin and for Chris to attempt to strangle it. Vanir practically glided across the room, giddily grinning down at the two girls trying to tear each others hair out. "DetenTION! Ohohoho! Moi can already TASTE the despair!"

"... Y'know what? Maybe Humans ain't all that."

Yuri sighed.

Perhaps allying with the Shield will be more trouble than its worth.

Chapter 7: "Get Paradoxxed idiot. Now everyone knows what dimension you're in."

Chapter Text

The students of IsekHigh clambered into the main auditorium at the centre of the school.

Once their homeroom lectures were done they were lead to the main hall for an announcement concerning the introduction of Class Three. The auditorium itself had only been used twice prior; once for a talent show and again for an impromptu poetry night. Subaru was quickly ushered off the stage as his poem evoked such horrific and depressing imagery that Sebas started crying and Darkness even threw up.

Poetry night was indefinitely cancelled from then on. Replaced with improv comedy night.

Cocytus was banned when his jokes caused Kazuma to suffer a heart attack from excessive laughter.

Suppose that actually makes three...

Anyway!

It hadn't been used much, is the point I'm making. Now however, the students and teachers sat patiently awaiting the main event, knowing that there were at least three people in danger of exploding; two with rage, one also literally.

Once everyone was settled there was a long moment of quiet...

*CRACKLE*

Everyone turned to look right at Filo, who pulled out a bag of pretzels and had begun to dig in. Raphtalia buried her head in her hands while Naofumi unabashedly belly-laughed.

*LE CROMCH*

The sound was suddenly interrupted by curtains drawing and lights dimming, plunging the room in black before four lights flicked on, pointed at the stage. "GREETINGS GUY'S, GAL'S AND NON-BINARY PALS! WELCOME TO THE ISEKHIGH PREMIERE SHOW! NOW FOR THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR, PLEASE PUT YOUR HANDS, CLAWS AND ASSORTED FURRY PAWS TOGETHER FOOORRRRR...!"

Music began blaring from everywhere all at once; The Space Jam theme... but played with Kazoo's and rhythmic dog barks? The curtains were whisked aside to reveal-

Us! Hell yeah! I get to feature more in thi- ACK!

Please stick to the script, we're not getting paid by the word.

Two figures emerged, one with excessive endowments and dressed as a jester, A purple and green checkered outfit with poofy shorts that failed to hide her figure and shoes that were tipped by miniature church steeples that rang with a loud clang. Sparkling glitter and stars woven into curly rainbow-coloured hair and framing a wide grin. Beside her stood a tall man dressed in a fully black three-piece suit, combed black hair and dark eyes making him stand out only when compared to his partner. The deep eye bags, a notebook tucked under one arm and comically oversized thermos only enhanced this image of a salaryman from a Japanese black company.

"PARADOX, GODDESS OF CHAOS AND HER FORMERLY MORTAL CONSORT CORRAL, GOD OF ORDER!" Paradox pulled off a perfect backflip, raising her arms to bask in the canned applause as her actual audience just gave her weird looks. Beside her, Corral sighed, taking a deep quaff of his drink. Naofumi could smell it from where he sat. An Irish coffee with enough caffeine to stop the hearts of a herd of elephants. Going by the smell it seemed to either be mixed with paint-thinner or Everclear. Same thing really.

Paradox brought her hands to her mouth, blowing kisses to the students. "Mwah! Mwah! Hello everyone! Can I get a cheer from the back!?" Subaru was the only one to respond, "Oh come on! We can do better than that! Good morning!" Megumin could be heard coughing. "Poo! You guys are no fun! Hey Aqua! Lovely to see you again!"

Aqua waved back happily, "Hi Mom! I thought you were on vacation with Nyx, Ishtar, Ymir and Izanagi-No-Okami?" Kazuma, Megumin and Darkness all stared at Aqua with extremely confused expressions. Kazuma knew she was a Goddess, even if she didn't act like it, but this was just weird.

Paradox gasped, holding a hand to her mouth, scandalised. "Oh dear! That's right! You're on a job aren't you? Didn't you hear? Little Rista got married! No wonder you never showed up, Rista was so sad when her Flower Girl never returned her calls!"

Eyes widening and pupils shrinking heralded the onset of her freak-out. "I- I could have been a Flower Girl... I COULD HAVE BEEN A FLOWER GIRL! KAZUMAAAAHAHAHAAAA!" She wailed as her hands wrapped themselves in Kazuma's mantle. Her screaming and crying echoed throughout the hall, drowning out Kazuma's futile attempts at breaking her grip.

"Paradox Dear, could you continue with the announcement? We can catch up with our Daughter after. I can only create so many copies and there is something pressing I need to prepare for tomorrow."

"Oh beloved Corral! I'll do whatever you like! So long as you put another baby in me later!"

They can still hear you.

Whoops!

"*Ahem*! Anyway! With the introductions out of the way! WE. SHALL. BEEGII~IIN-AH!" The musical lilt in her voice acted as a signal for the members of Class Three to make their way up to the stage. "Now I know you're not exactly the keenest to meet these guys again. HOWEVER! This is a vacation, but also a therapeutic retreat. Thus! I'm gonna give you fellas a chance to face and overcome those traumas! Now, violence is strictly prohibited on school grounds. I'M NOT GONNA SAY NO TO 'FRIENDLY' SPARS THOUGH!"

Naofumi was mostly just basking in the stupidity, finding it kinda entertaining. Then red-hair entered his vision. Then Sylvia shifted to the side and revealed Malty. He jumped up without a second thought and yelled over everyone's head, "NO! f*ck THIS!" Without waiting to hear what came next he activated the Portal Shield and teleported back to his classroom. The wave of tangible rage that he let out could be felt from the auditorium.

Subaru wished he could do the same. Elsa terrified him sure, but Petelgeuse? Subaru wanted to bear down on the bastard and tear him to pieces with his bare hands. Rem's iron grip on his shoulder and Roswaal's mocking smile both rooted him to the spot. Emilia was close to murdering Petelgeuse just for the fact that Subaru was rarely that outright hateful of someone. Julius was more out of pride, but this was the calculated desire to cause excessive bodily harm. She would help.

Ains had less of a reaction to Clementine and Khajiit, wondering why exactly they would have been selected. He didn't feel anything in particular with them. Unless... His lack of feeling was the problem? Was he supposed to be empathetic? A metaphorical pit opened in his metaphorical stomach. And then he was calmed, his thoughts being dragged elsewhere. But he didn't forget. Instead he began to feel... Something approaching worry. 'What was I doing again?'

Tanya examined the supposed 'Trauma-Causing' antithesis to her. Another wackjob driven by Being X to harass her into singing its praises. 'Ridiculous. Just another fool trying too hard. Not worth worrying about.' She still checked her fellow officers, gauging their reactions and, more subconsciously, their health. An unhealthy Soldier is just a burden after all.

Yeah, sure, whatever you tell yourself kid.

"NOW GO FORTH! HAVE FUN! GET LAID! GET DEM GAINS! AND STOP BREAKING THE MULTIVERSE WITH YOUR ANXIETY! I JUST FIXED THAT!"

Chapter 8: "Nah, yeah I'm totally fine. I'm just sitting here, fighting down this SEETHING, IMPOTENT RAGE!"

Chapter Text

Disappearing into a puff of smoke, Paradox and Corral concluded the assembly.

The students, now plus one Class, headed to their next lessons. Still reeling, it was hard to accept that the newest Class was populated by their antagonists. Having to share rooms with people who would sooner kill them than talk? A recipe for disaster if ever there was one. But Paradox and Corral weren't the kind of beings that you picked fights with, so it would be better for everyone's health if they just... Went along with it. Keeping an eye out in the meanwhile of course.

It was mostly fine, until Sylvia yelled at Kazuma, "But I changed for you!" Flipping up her dress to reveal a heavily modified set of feminine genitals with additional tongues and tendrils that lightly buzzed with static. Darkness ended up having to drag the Crimson Demons away before they blew up the school and themselves. While Sylvia sniffled, surprisingly put off by the rejection, Wiz patted her shoulder in sympathy. "Shut up, don't touch me!" She yelled even as she reciprocated her old friend's embrace.

Felt and Emilia were extremely worried by Elsa's presence, not wanting much to do with 'The Bowel Hunter'. Gee, I wonder why? But everyone knew Petelgeuse was a much bigger problem, though the most surprising thing was Subaru going nearly catatonic with rage. They knew he hated the Archbishop of Sloth, who wouldn't really? But the extreme rage he showed was uncharacteristic. Everyone was at least shocked by him. Reinhard vowed to keep an eye on him, that and to figure out a way of disposing of the Assassin and Cultist.

But everyone, including Subaru himself, wondered at the severity of Naofumi's reaction. The Main Four had already exchanged the main 'Plot' of their situation, but they hadn't had the time to pin down and speak to Naofumi. Now it seemed like there was something crucial they should have learned earlier.

Three classes passed and the lunch period began and he remained missing, neither hide nor hair of him showing. Raphtalia worried endlessly about him, not sure if he was sat on the roof and brooding or if he was preparing to kill Ma- Bitch. The question wasn't whether he'd succeed but how severe the punishment he would receive would be. She'd rather not find out.

"WHAT!?" Everyone whipped around to stare at Julius, who had leapt out of his seat, teeth grit and whitened knuckles wrapped around his sword. He sprinted out, a death glare in his eyes. The Bitch herself rose from where she'd been talking, crocodile tears running down her cheeks. An avalanche crashed into Raphtalia's stomach. 'I took my eye off her for two seconds!' Quickly dashing to keep up, she made to follow Julius.

She missed the moment where Reinhard cracked Bitch across the skull with his sheathed blade, knowing for a fact that while she wasn't fully lying about most things, she was omitting information.

And he was about as ready to fall for her sob story as he was to suffer her spreading them beyond him. Subaru's group were the only people close enough to have heard the story, with Subaru about to throw hands and defend his countryman. While the rest of them were ready to believe Malty, their sudden vitriol drained with Reinhard's strike and ensuing lecture. "Whatever your issue with Naofumi, keep it between him and yourself. I will not proclaim guilt until I have the full story. Subaru? Will you and your companions come along? We may need to defuse the situation."

Repeating himself would be redundant, as there was a lack of lead feet.

And by that I mean these bitches legged it like there was a Behemoth chasing them.

x_x

Naofumi sat, staring daggers at a wall, trying very hard to think of anything that would calm him. Ost kicked her feet on a nearby desk, giving him instructions. "Okay, then what will you do when you tear her legs off?"

"I- Rrrrgh f*ck! I don't know! I just want her gone! It's not enough that I'm stuck here instead of doing my job but now I have to deal with her." He huffed, his rage largely subsided. Talking out loud about everything he wanted to do let him compartmentalize. He wasn't the sort to drag out someone's suffering too long. Preferring to just kill them and move on, instead of wasting time and energy better spent elsewhere.

"I know, I'd rather she not be here either. Especially since you get this angry about it. Never been a particularly angry or violent person myself, but the desire to punch a hole in someone is really strong. I can see why Leon and Dora were wary of possessing you." Ost gently brushed her hand across his hair, lightly scratching his scalp.

Naofumi closed his eyes and leaned back into his chair, basking in what little affection he could allow himself to receive. "How did you find me anyway? Does this thing come with GPS?" Ost just smiled, tapping his Shield and transforming it into the Spirit Tortoise Heart Shield. "Ah, got it."

And then the door exploded and a blade struck a quickly raised Shield. Naofumi dug his heels into the floor, pushing the sword away as he rose to his feet. Julius slid to a stop, readying for another attack. Naofumi furrowed his brows, confused. "The hell's your problem?"

But the knight glared at him. "Theft, Murder, Betrayal, Assassination, Slavery, Rape! And you call yourself a Hero!? How dare you claim that you're anything less than the Devil!" Julius charged, swinging with all his righteous fury. Naofumi leaned back and parried him with a headbutt, a loud *clang* ringing out as Julius stumbled back. A thin line of blood trailed down the shielders face, dripping off his nose.

"I see Bitch has corrupted you already. Didn't take long huh? Must not be the sharpest tool in the shed." Julius snarled and attacked again, hacking at his opponents face. Naofumi simply stood and took it. Raphtalia and Reinhard arrived, followed by Subaru, Emilia and the twins. They had front-row seats to what followed.

"The Devil!? Hah! Yeah, that sounds about right. Y'know, that Bitch was kinda disappointing. I'm pretty sure she had already been around the block, I just wanted my turn." Julius' eyes nearly bulged out of his head, the casual admittance even more enraging than vehement denial. At least that would mean regret! "As for those slaves? Well, I needed some cheap labour for the town I took over. Might as well be people that can't fight back. I mean, it was such a good deal on those kids too! I bet you're just jealous that you can't do as well as me."

That seemed to be the final straw, Naofumi's mocking grin the salt in the wound. As a Knight of the Realm, Julius was dutybound to kill this... Monster. Blood ran down in rivulets from the slashes in Naofumi's face, dripping off his chin and running down into the neckline of his shirt. He tapped an unblemished spot, "You missed a bit." Julius gripped his blade tight and threw himself forward into a guillotine chop, aiming to cleave the Shield Hero's skull in two.

Instead, the standard-issue steel longsword shattered. Shards were slung across the room from the force, another thin line opening in Naofumi's face. Julius dropped to a knee, panting with fatigue from his furious swings. "Y-You're a damned monster! An insult to everything a Hero should be!"

"Whatever you say." The Shield glowed, a handle emerging from the gemstone which Naofumi grabbed, pulling it free. Newly synthesized with parts left over from the Devil Dragon Emperor, this blade was a dark purple, laced with glowing red veins. A pair of metallic bat wings acted as a handguard, while a large yellow eye sat at the blades base. The pommel was engraved with an unfamiliar lettering that only Subaru recognised as the Kanji for 'Justice'. Naofumi tossed it to Julius' feet.

"W-What? What are you playing at!?" Julius still lifted the blade, finding that it fit so comfortably into his hand as to feel like it belonged there.

"You're not done yet are you? Since you'll never admit you're wrong regardless of evidence, your petty 'pride' won't let you, you might as well finish the job. Kill me already. But I wonder, do you actually have the guts to do it?" Naofumi's expression was mocking on the surface but Julius was well-versed enough to recognise the frustration below. While a seed of doubt niggled at him, he wouldn't stay his hand. He would bring this man to justice!

A step forward, a single swing...

And his blade *Clang!*ed against Raphtalia's Katana. "Raphtalia!? What are you doing!? I'm going to free you and-!" He didn't get the chance to finish as Raphtalia cracked her forehead against Julius' nose, kicked his shin with steel toe-caps and threw him back with her superior physical strength.

"Enough! Just stop will you!? And you!" Raphtalia stuck her finger in Naofumi's face. "What happened to promising to defend yourself!? You're doing it again!" Naofumi glared without heat.

"Yeah, I do remember. No-one believed me and nothing came of it until they were threatened and even then it was only while fussing. No-one wants to believe that someone's innocent. He wants me to be guilty. So let him think that. I'm not wasting my breath." Raphtalia shook, her own anger hitting its stride.

From behind her Julius called out, "Are you trying to proclaim innocence now!? Maybe not all of what was said is true, but enough clearly is that I cannot turn a blind eye! Not to this! A Hero is better than that. You're clearly just another thug!"

"... Yo Julius. Ever heard of the Trolley Problem?" The tension was too high, Subaru and his own team not able to get in the way without fear of losing fingers. Despite this, Subaru still sucked air through his teeth, suddenly uncomfortable with how this was going. He assumed Naofumi was completely innocent.

Instead it was all but confirmed that he was guilty.

Everyone not from a contemporary era looked extremely confused, not quite sure what he was going on about. Julius especially wondered how he was going to justify it. "No. I haven't, but I'll trust that you'll explain it." Julius was starting to be just as snarky, hardly amused by the change in topic.

Naofumi reached up and began putting pressure on some of his scratches, the deep ache focusing his thoughts. "It's one of those layered moral questions. There's a track, five people strapped to it, one more strapped to another track. You can't stop the Trolley from killing someone, but you can pull a lever so that it only kills the one person. Do you pull the lever?"

Momentary silence as Julius realised he was expected to answer. "Obviously I'd find a way to save all six, if not then I'll kill the one. But I suppose you're going to tell me why this is important?"

Naofumi stared at him, clearly annoyed by his answer. "It's never possible to save everyone. That's just how it goes. But the point of this Problem isn't the action you take. It's whether or not you can live with your decision. Can you, through negligence and inaction, inadvertently ensure someone's death and live with it? Or can you live with the guilt of actively causing the death of one person to save everyone else? Pulling that lever, making that choice? That's what a Hero is. It doesn't even have to be death. Perhaps something closer to home, like theft. I can steal because I know that I can save lives with the money I'll get for it."

Julius' breath hitched, "Th-that doesn't excuse your actions! The ends do not justify the means!"

"We call it a phyrric victory when they don't. Otherwise, the ends usually justify the means... I'm leaving. Suddenly I don't feel like talking." Naofumi felt like a continental shelf had dropped on him, but left without another word. Julius made to chase, but was blocked by Raphtalia.

"Sit down. I think it's time I explained some things."

X_X

A light drizzle fell across the cement in front of the school.

Reinforced boots *Click-Clack*-ed against concrete, slight dips in the ground forming puddles that rippled with the raindrops. Naofumi made sure to breath deep, keeping as tight a reign on his anger as he could. The moisture seeping into his clothes felt uncomfortable, but less-so than the hot, itchy sensation running along his skin. He stopped, tilting his head up to the sky. Patches of crimson were washed away in the rain, leaving red smears that still stung. Doused hair drooped, sticking to a blank, empty expression.

"Oi."

Naofumi turned to look at the newcomer. A short blonde with a manic grin pawing at a pair of estoc. He really wasn't in the mood to deal with this psychotic pixie. "What?"

A pair of thin blades came up to point at his face. "I overheard Red talkin' about you. Some interestin' stuff there. I also heard about how strong ya' are. Let's test that shall we?" She unclipped her cloak, bending down low, torso parallel to the ground. A morningstar strapped to her back revealed itself. Naofumi made note of it, looking back down into Clementine's eyes. Her bloodlust was obvious, as was her target.

Naofumi stood stock-still. "Try me." Grin widening, Clementine appeared in front of him, stabbing at his eyes. A slight tilt of his head left the blades to scrape against his skull instead. Excitement at the bloodshed cut short, Clementine rose higher from the fist planted in her gut. Before she could hit the ground on her own, Naofumi sped up the fall by grabbing her leg and slamming her into the ground. The force shattered her 'armour', sending ID tags scattering. A kick to the stomach launched her back, painfully sliding to a stop, the tight leather top and skirt tearing slightly from friction.

Not yet down and out, she stood, readying that morningstar instead. She was ready to just try batting his head off, until she looked at his face. His expression... Was that? "Don't you dare pity me!" Rocketing forward again, she brought it down instead, wanting to really cause a mess. Naofumi brought up his Shield to block, but surprisingly found a little difficulty in doing so.

'Either she's a hell of a lot stronger than she looks or... Oh for f*ck's sake. Of course I'm weak to bludgeoning attacks. Why doesn't this glorified paperweight come with a manual!?' Unperturbed by the block, Clementine brought it back down, her back muscles pulled taut with her full strength. This time however, her attack whiffed completely. Naofumi stepped aside, reaching down to grab her wrist.

Pull, raise, arc and slam! "SEI!" Clementine's ribs met the floor, the Manic Pixie spitting blood at the impact. She rose shakily to her feet, rushing forward and stabbing wildly, jabbing into Naofumi's torso. None of the strikes bit deep and his armour protected his vitals. Despite this, the pain still mounted until he got sick of it. Reaching out, he grabbed the blades, wrenching them out of her grip and tossing them aside.

Palm met wrist, stopping the bladed bowling ball from caving in his already ugly mug. Clementine's leg swung for his head but was met with his other hand. Naofumi lifted her above his head and threw her at the ground, a loud *POP* and an angry howl following a dislocated shoulder. Snarling, Clementine made for her last weapon, one of two kukri. Despite her best attempts it didn't sink to the hilt in Naofumi's face.

A half-hearted front kick knocked the wind out of Clementine and sent her sliding again. Her clothing, no longer able to put up with the friction, snapped, leaving her with no free hands and naught but a vicious snarl and a pair of boots. "Go on you bastard! We both know what people like you do in situations like this. So just get it over with! I can last two minutes of you."

Instead of humouring her, he simply turned to walk away, dropping his cloak as he left. "YOU PIECE OF sh*t! DON'T YOU DARE PITY ME! I'LL KILL YOU! I SWEAR IT!"

Stopping just long enough to look back, Naofumi stared into Clementine's eyes. "You'd better. Don't make empty promises." He continued on, a walk around the city to recharge his batteries, thoroughly drained with talking to people for so long.

Clementine threw the thick fur over her shoulders, all-the-while staring in the shielders general direction. 'I'll beat you! No-one can stop me this time. First you, then the walking dick joke! I swear it!'

It's hard to believe these idiots are supposedly 'functional' adults.

Yeesh.

Chapter 9: "I'm not a goddamn Lolicon!"

Chapter Text

Naofumi pulled his head up with a deep gasp, water from the river dripping off his face.

While rain continued to fall it wasn't enough to properly clean the blood off his face. To fix this, he headed to where he'd seen a large river running under a collection of bridges neighbouring a park. Already soaked, he simply dunked his head up to his neck in the clear blue water. Given it was in the middle of a city one would expect it to be murky or polluted. Instead, this world seemed to be some sort of idealised template of the 'Real World'.

Naofumi knelt by the banks between the two main bridges to another section of the city, staring into the ripples formed by droplets falling from his hair. He could see in his reflection that the Einz Heal he cast on himself still left thin white lines to cover his features. Out of sheer curiosity he counted them. Seventeen marks clearly left by a blade, two-thirds the length of his pinky finger and about half as wide. All-in-all?

"Even uglier than I was before. Well at least now other guys have a chance to score. Heh. God this is sad." Sitting on the wet grass under his cloak, Naofumi stared out into the distance, his thoughts turning to dust as a pleasant buzz replaced them.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Looking to the side he saw Paradox sat beside him, looking oddly forlorn.

He wasn't in the mood to play her games however. "What the hell do you care? You can just read my mind can't you? Just do that and laugh, make your jokes and then leave. I'm sure you have very important godly business to attend to." The grass around Naofumi began to wilt with the increase of Curse Power building up in him. Not much, but enough to cause an unnatural chill. Paradox looked him in the eye, seemingly offended.

"You think I don't care?"

"If you really cared you and your buddies wouldn't try to solve their problems by kidnapping children and the occasional burnt-out failure of an adult. The only things Subaru and Kazuma should have to worry about is Homework and Girls. Not Devil Kings and their own Mortality."

"You believe that the onus of responsibility should be shouldered exclusively by you?"

Naofumi erupted with mocking laughter, sarcastic mirth echoing across the water. "ME!? Heheheahaha! Ahh, no. I mean people who are actually qualified. Soldiers, Assassins, Martial Artists hell! Why not try a WWE wrestler sometime? Make Chris Jericho an Isekai Protag. Or send over a Sumo. I'm just some dumbass who's good with money. And I can't exactly pay an Inter-Dimensional Soul Eater to go f*ck itself."

A beat passed and they sat a moment in silence, listening to the distant rumble of cars moving to-and-fro. A thought occurred... "Then again... Someone else might have gotten it wrong. So maybe sociopaths like me are necessary sometimes. Heh, sometimes."

Paradox sighed and straightened out her legs, patting her thighs. "Come on, lie down and I'll explain why." Naofumi just looked at her and scoffed.

"I'd rather just kill you and all your asshole kids."

"Try me."

Paradox stood with her arms opened wide, expectantly waiting for his next move. Standing himself, Naofumi stepped towards her and co*cked a fist back...

And threw an almost perfect haymaker...

...That never connected. Naofumi found himself laying on Paradox's thighs, her hand softly scrubbing at his scalp. "I know you're angry. I understand, you even have every right to be. But we Gods don't have quite as much of a say as you think. Kazuma was given a choice, he chose to be reincarnated. The being responsible for Ains and Subaru's relocation have nothing to do with us. As for Tanya, Being X used to be a God. Then they tried to destroy the Heavens in a bid to monopolize power and influence over the worlds. They didn't succeed of course, but they did break things. Things that I and my dear Husband are trying to fix."

Another scoff, "Didn't the blue thing say you were on vacation? Oh yeah! And what the hell is up with the flirting!? I should report your ass for adultery!"

"Hey, a girls gotta rest some time, even gods. As for flirting..." Paradox rolled the two of them over, straddling Naofumi's waist, who looked seconds from exploding...

... With rage! Get your minds outta the gutter!

"I am the Inimitable Will of Chaos, unbound by even my own laws. As much as I love Corral, he has a much stronger sense of duty. Whereas I like to keep things fresh and new. It's fine anyway. He and I exchange cuck vids all the time. Keeps the marriage fresh y'know?" Naofumi gripped her hips, lifted her above his head and tossed her into the river. Rising back to his feet he turned to walk back into the city.

Paradox floated into view, on her back and smiling wryly. She was also dry as a bone. As far as Naofumi could tell at a glance anyway. He cut that thought short, not wanting to think about the possible biological processes of a purely spiritual entity. That was a thought spiral he didn't have the time for. "Just so you know, you still have detention and for every day you miss the more we'll increase the time up to a week. Then we'll see how you like to be on the receiving end of a much more creative and... Thorough punishment."

"I'm already looking forward to it." Already exhausted from everything that had happened today, a day that seemed to take two months off his life, he stepped into a bakery and picked a box of doughnuts. One of which he tossed at Paradox before activating the Portal Shield, reappearing in his homeroom.

"Ahh~ so good of you to finally join uuuuus~. We were just about to begin the timer~. Pleaaaaase~ take your seat." Roswaal sat at the head of the classroom, flipping an hourglass and leaving it to time their boredom. "For detention today we're going to woooork~ on your inter-personal relationships, Ne? You're all going to be choosing a project to work on togetherrrrr~. Naofumi? Would you pick a subject for this project~?"

Julius, Reinhard, Chris, Kizuna, Megumin, Clementine and Beatrice all looked at him expectantly. Some less enthusiastically than others. Taking a seat, he set down the box of pastries and picked one out, a simple chocolate glaze. He left it in the middle of the mass of tables pushed together to make a larger table. "Careful everyone! This guy is gonna enjoy himself a bit too much!

"Oh shut up Loli-Baba. If I'm a Lolicon then you're Straight."

"What the heck is that supposed to mean!?"

"It means you're as subtle as a Clown with his co*ck out. How about something practical? We'd be bored to death of we tried to draw self-portraits or poems-"

"EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT!"

"So why don't I teach you all how to use magic to enchant accessories? How about that Chris? Steal a high value ring, enchant it, then sell it for an massive mark-up? I've made bank that way."

Kizuna calmed down, though still fuming. Chris however was very interested in making more Eris. Reinhard smiled brightly, "I very rarely get to use magic! This should be fun, right Julius?" The Sword Saint elbowed his fellow Candidate Guardian, shocking Julius out of his stupor.

"... Yeah. Sure. How do you convince Lesser Spirits to let you place them in an Artificial Od?"

Clementine stared daggers across the table at him, taking in his every minute shift. Somewhat confused, Naofumi just decided to continue. He reached into his Shield and pulled out a small ring, one that he'd finished but not enchanted yet. "So, there's a couple things to know about enchantments. Some gemstones are better than others at certain things, for example, Rubies are good for fire and physical-based enchantments. Sapphires are better at ice and mental-based enchantments, all that. Once you've chosen the gem and a suitable enchantment, you need the right metal.

As with gemstones, you need to pair certain metals with an appropriate enchantment. Gold for fire, silver for ice, copper for lightning. You just need to match three. Of course you have Opal and Alexandrite or Zirconium and Electrum. They just sorta do everything. Because balance and sensibility is a pipe dream. This ring is made of Iron and embedded with Jet. While the materials themselves are as basic as it gets, they're actually really good for general Magical Resistances and Physical Empowerment. They're good for Earth Magic too, but you'd be better off with Titanite and Topaz. Any questions so far?"

Reinhard politely asked, "How did you learn all this?"

"I helped out an accessory merchant who taught me enough that I could do it myself. After that it was mostly trial and error. Though I'm glad to say it was more trial than error. Now, I want one of you to give me your hand." Despite his reticence, it was surprisingly Julius who offered his hand. Naofumi gripped it, hovering Julius' hand over the ring. He then phased his mana through the Knight's hand, dragging a small amount of mana with it.

Julius could feel the process wasn't much unlike casting magic. The Main difference was that he wasn't moving it through his Gate to form it into a shape of its own. Instead, the mana sunk into the ring and sat there. For a moment nothing of significance happened, but Julius could feel how Naofumi was subtly influencing his own mana to shape itself outside of his Gate and only shape it from afar. An incredibly high-level spellcasting technique that usually wasn't worth the time it took to focus.

And yet, as Julius watched, something incredible happened...

The mass of formless mana was shaped into a Lesser Spirit by the Artificial Od itself. Attuned to Spirits as he was, Julius saw a tiny figure form inside the Jet. When he felt it 'wake up' the mana flow cut off. "You felt that? That's the enchantment now having enough of a recursive charge to remain active for decades at least. That's why you cut a gemstone, to focus and rebound the mana before it can leave the gemstone."

"You mean like a car battery?" Kizuna asked.

"Yeah, pretty much. It won't last forever, but you can increase its shelf life with additional charges. Anyway, who else wants to try?"

While Naofumi tried to protect his face from any surprise stabbings from Clementine, Julius could only sit and stare. Holding the Artificial Od in his hand and feeling the pleased and proud hum of the Lesser Spirit's will. "Something wrong?" Reinhard asked his old friend, concerned with his silence.

"Reinhard. I might have been wrong. This Spirit... There's no sign of corruption. Naofumi's heart isn't blackened by evil. Only someone so caring and compassionate could birth a Spirit like this. Reinhard..." Julius looked up at Reinhard, an expression of dread taking over his features. "What kind of world... What kind of people... Could drive someone with such a pure heart to be so dark and grey?"

While the Sword Saint could not claim to be half as well versed in the Spiritual Arts as his friend, he could at least speak as someone more... Personable. "It doesn't matter, because it hasn't succeeded in beating it out of him. And as Knight's, it is our job to assist him. Just as we assisted Subaru. This is no different." For a split second, a mischievous look passed over Reinhard's face. He schooled his features and delivered his next line with flawless efficiency.

"Congratulations by the way."

Reinhard mustered all his willpower so as to not crack too early at the confused look he received. "Congratulations? For what? Surely not for any epiphanies."

"No, I mean on finally having a child with your Husband."

Julius looked shocked at him, wondering what he meant. But glancing at the ring allowed it to click for him. "... Why would you so blatantly attack me like this?"

His reply came in the form of the redhead bending backwards and heaving deep belly laughs that left him immobilized for at least five minutes.

Chapter 10: "Deliver just sounds like an order to kill someone."

Chapter Text

Leaving the others to their own devices and to fiddle with gemstones, Naofumi took a nap.

Normally, Roswaal wouldn't be the type to allow it, but even he could tell that this wasn't insubordination but genuine exhaustion. Given that the only rule he broke was speaking during class he made the executive decision to look the other way. The others followed suit, somewhat put off by the worsening bags under his eyes highlighting the new scars littering Naofumi's face.

The hour passed and they left for home, Roswaal disappearing ten minutes early. No-one wanted to be the one to wake Naofumi up lest they get mulched, so they let him nap.

When Naofumi woke up, he found a handful of enchanted accessories sitting on his desk. 'Hmm, wasn' expectin' th'm to leave some'n.' Still groggy, he snatched the pieces up and stood, noticing that the sun was setting. Pink and gold dominated the skyline, patches of cloud left behind by the rain. 'Guess it's time to go home then... I can't believe those assholes just left me!' Heaving a sigh, he rose to his feet, stretching out and groaning at the clicks and pops. Naofumi made for the door, sliding it open to reveal...

"Ah, Sir Iwatani, I believe we have met before. I am Sebas and I serve Lord Ains. If you would like, would you follow me? If I'm not mistaken the two of you have a meeting, yes?" The Butler built like a brick-wall stood with his hands folded behind his back.

"Yo! Fumi Bro! Regina here! You wanna get goin'?" LupusRegina grinned from Sebas' left side, missing her hat and sleeves.

"Sure but... What happened to you?"

"I blew up!" Her grin didn't fade, if anything it got sharper. It was clear she enjoyed it... For whatever reason.

"You mean, 'Gouging someone's eyes out with your thumbs' blew up? Or 'Chucking a bag of ice into a deep fryer' blew up?"

"Definitely not the first, so I guess the second! Tanya let me fire a gun and it exploded in my hands. It was super cool! Y'know, until it went 'Boom!' Instead of 'Bang!'"

Naofumi and Sebas glanced at each other, a similar thought running in both their heads. 'This girl survived because idiots can't die.' Shaking off the absurdity of everything that was happening, Naofumi gestured for Sebas to take the lead which he did so with a respectful nod. And so did the dynamic trio make their way to the maw of the Lich King. Along the way, the Shielder pointed out things from his world that were copied here before explaining them to an excitable Regina.

She soaked up every word, asking genuine questions and responding to information with a clear desire to learn more. Then he mentioned the internet. "Woah... The sum of an entire global populace's total knowledge, archived in a way that's so convenient, even children can use it. No wonder you're so smart, your people must be incredibly wise and enlightened without any misunderstandings!" No sooner had she said this that Naofumi stopped dead in his tracks.

A valiant effort was attempted, but the sheer hilarity of her statement drove him to begin howling with laughter. First doubling forward to hold his stomach, as if to push his mirth back inside, then bending backward and unleashing a deep belly laugh at the sky. His laughter turned shrill and hysteric, cackling before morphing back to a deep chuckle. It took a full five minutes for him to pull himself together long enough to wipe his eyes of tears and dislodge fluid from his throat by hacking. Finally calming down, a huge smirk remained on his face, impossible to defeat. "Haa, ohh. Ohoho, Nohohoho! Ahh! Ahh! No! Haaaa... *Ahem*. No, just no."

Walking by and chuckling, he missed the slowly dawning horror on both Sebas and Regina's faces. The total sum of all knowledge... Ignored out of spite... What a terrible waste! Nazarick would never be so ignorant and wasteful!

It absolutely wouldn't do stupid crap to put a target on its back when that's explicitly not what they want!

Totally!

Regardless, there were more immediately concerning things to focus on. Like subjecti- er, 'Inviting him to join'. It took a while to get back to the dorms, what with the school being located well outside the city limits. As they went, Naofumi noticed a cluster of craters in a nearby field. "You guys know anything about that? Doesn't look natural, too jagged and misshapen. Looks like a bomb went off."

The other two stopped to exchange bemused glances, Sebas responding. "That would be the work of Lady Megumin. Her Explosion Magic is quite potent. Apparently, her race are innately powerful Magi." Naofumi looked impressed, 'Damn, what they say about small packages are true... The people attached to them are super volatile. Heh.'

The dorm lobby had changed again. Previously, varnished red-wood panelling accentuated the soft and earthy browns and greens of the carpets and curtains. Now, a red-wood floor was complemented by encroaching plant-life and a tasteful Koi pond. The painting above the main desk had changed again. It was looking like it would change every day. A fused Kazuma and Sylvia were screaming as an enormous bolt of yellow energy drilled into their chests.

"Wha- The f*ck? Did Kazuma die!?" Sebas and Regina stopped beside him. The Cleric yipped, confirming his deduction.

"I hear lots of things, so I once heard Kazuma yell about how 'The Grim Reaper hates me 'cuz I got that bitch on speed-dial!' I don't know what speed-dial is but it sounds like Kazuma must be immortal or something." Hearing that ground all his mirth to a halt, immediately sending him back to his default expression of 'Resting Genocide Face'.

'... Paradox... You say you care, then this? Sending some real mixed messages here!' Instead of vocalising his frustrations, Naofumi huffed. "Where's his Boneliness?"

Sebas had been keeping quiet, opting to observe. It didn't take someone like him long to notice the growing heat in his gaze. He decided now would be the best time to usher Iwatani into the elevator quick. It was the strangest thing though... Demiurge had confirmed that the Shield did not give Naofumi much beyond the inherent supernatural strength expected of a Higher or Supreme Being... So how was it...

That Naofumi cloaked himself in Sebas' Killing Intent like a safety blanket? He'd been releasing it since the school to gauge the Shield's will. Instead, he found his own hackles raising at the extremely close proximity. Being in a relatively small, dangling box with him felt like...

A massive herbivore suffering the presence of a lone predator at the same watering hole. If he showed his fangs here, he may very well just get trampled.

"Ugh, it's so stuffy in here. Could you two stop measuring dicks please? Trust me, you're both the same size, zip it up already."

Sebas' eye twitched.

Naofumi's hand spasmed.

And Regina snickered behind a hand.

* DING! *

Both men sighed in relief cut short by stepping out onto a Synaesthetic nightmare of blending words, colours, smells and somehow sounds. It looked like a Schizophrenic hopped up on Adderall went buckwild on a middleschool science project. Or like Filo charged through a paint store and then this corridor at Mach Thirty. Or even like Megumin cast an Explosion in a glitter factory.

It was actually really hard to see because the setting sun was reflecting off the specks of metallic colouring on the floor, walls and ceiling.

Pushing through the glare, they finally toppled over into the door leading to the Tomb of Nazarick. A dark hall, flanked by columns, led to the entrance and Nazarick's first floor.

Following behind the residents, Naofumi looked about. It was cold, but stagnant. The entrance to the Tomb feeling like a freezer set to max. Which made sense the more he thought about it, corpses decompose slower in the cold, stopping entirely if cold enough. With this in mind, Naofumi guessed that the first floor was either guarded by the Bug-Man or the Vampire.

Mare met them at the doors, clearly expecting them. "Mare here will be taking us down to the throne room. If you would?" Nodding, he held up a ring, a wave of light shimmering across their forms. Once receded, the light left Naofumi's eyes to adjust to the low lighting in the room.

'Yup, that is indeedy-facto a Throne Room. Evidently the interior designer is probably one of those types who's fame and cost is purely from the brand. I bet they never even finished school.' Upon a dais, in an oversized seat rested His Boneliness himself. On either side stood his subordinates, the Floor Guardians first and his maids further along closer to the door. Sebas took his position between the gaurdians and maids. Regina stood beside him, opposite her immediate superior, Yuri.

Naofumi was left to step toward the throne, flanked by nearly two dozen minibosses and main bosses. Slightly on edge, he tried to break the tension. "So does your ass ever get numb? Or does not having an ass prevent that?"

"KNEEL!" A shocking need to drop to his knees came over him after Demiurge spoke. Instead of following the command however, a vastly more pressing need to invert the demon's spine washed away any other possible command.

Glaring, Naofumi fought his own desires. Not too hard, but just enough to not act on them. "How about instead of that, you go kill yourself you worthless, incontinent catamite." Growling through grit teeth, he tried to breath deep as his Curse Power began manifesting again.

"Demiurge."

The demon in question pushed his glasses closer to his face, masking his unflattering scowl at the defiant human. As if to make things worse, this human was showing him up! Unacceptable! "Yes, My Lord? I will try again."

Ains instead held up a hand. "No. You will not. This man is here at my request, as a guest and potential ally. Would you attempt an imposition of a Floor Gaurdian or the Pleiades?"

"I-! No, you are correct My Lord. I shall reflect on my failure." Stepping back, he kept an eye on the human. Everyone else in the room stood a tad straighter, re-evaluating the Shield.

Ains politely inclined his head, Naofumi responding with a dip of his own head. While some didn't like that, they also weren't eager to draw their Lord's ire. "Apologies for Demiurge. My fellow denizens of Nazarick are protective of me. I hope you understand."

"Yeah sure. That's fine, I get it. Of course, I reserve the right to take his tail if he does it again."

"Ah, the negotiations have already begun then? Very well. Might I ask your terms first?" 'Note to self: Naofumi's the joking type, remember to order a waive for any jokes at my expense. Anyway, I think he mentioned being a business student. My best bet is to let him talk and just strike down anything unreasonable. Ooh, I hope he doesn't start talking in Lawyer Speak.'

Naofumi nodded, reaching into a pocket and tossing both a potion and a ring to the Lich. Catching and observing them, Ains made observations. "Hmm, tier-five materials were used to create these. Surprisingly, they have managed to reach sixth-tier. The absolute limit of human capability. While I could make better, they would disappear upon a simple Dispell. I would be willing to pay for a mass production of these items. There are only so many tenth-tier items. A treasury full of sixth-tier accessories and potions would be useful."

"So, if you provide me materials I make you accessories. In return, I keep thirteen percent of whatever you give me and you let me take a look at the shields in your armoury."

Ains considered this a moment, humming in consideration. Then pocketing the two items he replied. "That sounds reasonable enough. Though I have to admit my disappointment at such lacklustre products. I would have liked to see something... More."

Shocked into silence, Ains watched as Naofumi's expression grew dark. Not out of rage or disappointment...

But like a predator ready to pounce. Reaching into his Shield, he pulled out two more items, another ring and another potion. They fell into his grasp and were subject to his appraisal.

!

The materials were only fifth-tier! And yet the accessory itself was at least eighth-tier! 'This is far better!' Taking the previous ring out, he compared them. It was like night and day. An amateur's first piece versus a master's magnum opus! The two potions were similar, but to an even more absurd degree. Fifth-tier materials for a ninth-tier potion! "What...?"

"That first ring was enchanted by Julius earlier, with a little direction from me. I already know you can afford me. It was only a matter of proving my worth. So let's renegotiate. I keep twenty percent of the materials you give me, one of every monster material you have, a look at your shields, And of course, I want to learn Necromancy. These are my terms."

"You... Wish to learn Necromancy?" Naofumi stood resolute, his evil smirk unwavering.

"The Cardinal Hero of the Shield is only as powerful as his tools and allies. And as I cannot learn offensive magic... I will bypass my limitations by creating my own army. After all... Wouldn't Necromancy fall under Support Magic?"

"Hmm. One of every monster drop and access to my collection of shields... Why?"

He held out his left hand, waiting. Sebas took the initiative before anyone else could, plucking a hair from his head and giving it to Naofumi. "Thanks Seb, now watch and be amazed." He planted the strand of hair in his Shield. Its form shifted to a massive rectangular Greatshield, standing at equal height as Naofumi. The surface displayed a relief of Naofumi halfway between transforming into a dragon.

'High-Monk Dragonoid Shield. Magic Resistance (L), Induce Madness, Dragon Immunity: Water/Fire/Dark/Curse (EX), Physical Attack/Magical Attack Inversion. These all count as one Special Ability. Mastering it won't matter then.' "You see? My Shield takes on new forms depending on what I feed it. It can also copy shields that already exist. So M'Lord, are these terms acceptable?"

The truth of the Shield's potential became clear to the Tomb. Ains stood tall and rose his arms, calling all to his attention.

And, with something approaching a rumble of excitement, announced. "From this day forth, I, Ains Ooal Gown, do hereby extend an arm in alliance with Iwatani Naofumi, Cardinal Hero of the Shield. All who would protest this decision, speak now!"

Silence, the only action being Regina throwing Naofumi a thumbs up.

"Then it is done! Albedo? Prepare the registry...

There are more names to pen."

Chapter 11: "Automatonophobia and Trypophobia. Mark those down for your word of the day calendar."

Chapter Text

A cool breeze whistled across the rooftop, ruffling both Naofumi and Mare's hair.

The two sat together on a bench opposite the rings of a recently installed chainlink fence. Mare watched as Naofumi mixed up a potent healing salve, occasionally giving pointers, but otherwise remaining silent. He was impressed by the Shield Hero's knowledge of Alchemy, finding the sounds of tinkering to be quite pleasant from an outside perspective. Having been chosen to oversee the process, Mare made mental notes of techniques used and maybe figuring out his secret.

His 'Secret' turned out to just be his Shield improving the quality of things he makes with a concentrated burst of spiritual energy.

"So... Mare right? Whaddya do in your off time? Plants are your thing sure, I get that. But do you have any hobbies? Maybe a book you're into?" Mare wasn't expecting conversation, taking a moment to collect his thoughts.

"Why are you asking?" Naofumi didn't look up from his mixing, a small grimace as he lost rhythm and poked himself with a needle instead of slowly tapping nectar from a small purple flower.

"It's awkward to sit here in silence while someone watches. I don't even care what about, just pick a topic."

Mare thought real hard about what he wanted to talk about, coming to the realisation that there was one thing that had been on his mind. "Is it normal for young boys to wear skirts?"

Naofumi grunted in pain as he pricked himself again, juggling his tools to stop them from scattering everywhere. Huffing, he simply set them aside. "Where the hell did that come from? You know a guy who wears a skirt?" It took a bit, but as he looked at Mare a light went off in his mind. "Oh! You're a boy! Damn, I've been referring to you as a girl this whole time. Well, there is a specific type of skirt that the Scots wear, which is also reminiscent of what ancient Spartans wore. Then there's the long robes worn by middle-easterners. But the type of skirt you're wearing? Not really. There are some, but it's usually a fetish thing. Back home you'd be referred to as a 'femboy'."

Mare contemplated that, furrowed brows scrunching up his fair features. "So... My creator made me wear a skirt to fulfil a sexual urge? And my sister in her suit..."

"Yup, another fetish. Probably. Or a feminist. Though there isn't a whole lot of separation between those two anymore, heh." Mare's blank gaze was indicative of his lack of attention, leaving Naofumi to sigh, turning to face the, probably younger, boy.

"Do you even want to wear a skirt?"

"... Not really. It's not like I can't stand it, it's just that I don't really feel comfortable wearing one."

"I'm guessing there's a reason you haven't just swapped it for something else?"

"... My creator gave it to me. It would feel wrong to just throw it out. It would be like spitting in their face now they're gone."

Naofumi thought very carefully about what he wanted to say next. His own hatred for the 'Divine' wouldn't help here. So he'd have to tread the line between offering advice and telling the kid to abandon any respect for his creator. "Alright, so, your creator put you in a skirt to fulfil some fetish and now that they're gone, you feel it's an obligation. Okay, I get that. But, if you really don't like it, you don't have to completely discard it. Just hang it up, but don't you think that, if your creator really cared, they'd understand that you want to wear something else? I can't speak for them, but I can offer a perspective as another guy who's created an entity before. If Raph-chan decided to leave and pursue happiness somewhere else, I'd accept that and wish her well. As much as I'd miss her, it's no good to limit someone so much. Plus, it's not like I'll never see her again. I'm... Not sure if that one applies to you but... You get the idea."

Listening intently, Mare suddenly snapped out of a trance as he registered exactly what he said. The Supreme Beings were not referred to as such purely because of their power, but because of their Intellect, Skill and, most importantly for him, Kindness. Despite Ains' imposing appearance he was polite and caring to him, kinda like a father figure. If BukuBukuChagama truly cared about him... "It still feels... Wrong. Do you... Have any ideas of what else I could try wearing?"

"Hmm. Hang a sec." Placing his fingers against the gem of his Shield, he began to synthesize something. Some Devil Dragon Scales, a mutated Bio-plant seed, a little bit of rope from the Rope Shield and finished with a couple chunks of Light Metal. A minute passed and from the Shield emerged a brand new outfit. It was as similar to Mare's current outfit as possible, though the undershirt and gloves were thicker and scaled. The biggest differences being the skirt, which had been swapped for a much more androgynous looking pair of slacks designed to tuck into the boots. Beside that was a large mossy cloak, acting as a bed for a myriad of alchemical regents.

Naofumi threw the cloak around Mare's shoulders, securing it with the rope, it's ends connecting to a stylised sigil made of Light Metal and depicting a skull overgrown with vines and flowers. He then pulled up the hood, securing it by the crown of flowers intertwined with it. He handed the elf the rest of the outfit, leaving him to make the choice himself. "Think of it as a gift from an older sibling. This is the least I'd do for my own little brother, so now that I can't affectionately bully him, as is the duty of all big brothers, I'll just look out for you instead."

Barely coherent through a stream of tears, Mare grasped the new clothes tightly with a smile. "P-Please d-d-don't bully me."

"Heh, no promises little bro. Anyway! It's late, so I'm gonna pretend to go to sleep and end up working through the night. Same time tomorrow?" Mare blubbered an affirmative. Turning with a chuckle, Naofumi made his way back inside...

But...

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw something rising up out of the twilight over the side, blotting out the starry sky. Squinting into the inky void, he could make out dozens, If not hundreds of small porcelain faces. A choir of high-pitched giggles cut through his initial desire to attack. The fact he couldn't see their names or levels only worried him more. "Mare... Mare get inside now."

Mare noticed the mass of porcelain and cloth after he spoke, wasting no time in storing his new clothes and sprinting to the door. Naofumi hopped back, not breaking eye-contact until he crossed the doorway, slamming it shut. "As source of thy power, I command you unravel the rules of nature and imbue my target with unwavering defence. Drifa Guard!" A thick, oily and translucent green barrier appeared across the walls, floor, ceiling and door. "That might hold them off to a while, but we need to find someplace spirits can't cross. Any ideas?"

The androgynous elven magus put on a much more solemn expression. "Kazuma's room or Nazarick would be our best bet, but both are on the fifth floor. We need to cross six flights at least."

Nodding, Naofumi turned to start jogging. "Alright, we'll have to take the stairs and probably switch staircases every flight. Keep an eye on our six and stick close." Mare silently agreed, keeping close to Naofumi's side as he ran. They couldn't risk going straight down the middle staircase, it was the closest to the entrance and easily blocked off. The other two staircases however were much wider, providing enough space to leap from flight-to-flight. It wouldn't be much against an enemy that could float, but it would at least buy them precious seconds. He wasn't as familiar with the building schematics but what he did know was that it was surprisingly big, with large halls and labyrinthian corridors.

The most important aspects though were the myriad of closets and the fact that unused rooms were left unlocked. This left them plenty of hiding spots. Every room including a balcony also helped, as if the inside was hot, they could try jumping. Of course, they couldn't stay out too long, otherwise that mass would find them. Naofumi couldn't even take the express way, leaping from the top floor to the bottom, because then he'd just have to climb again.

So they continued to run, bursting out onto the tenth floor. They stood at a Y-section; not having the patience to deliberate, Naofumi simply flipped a coin. Landing on heads, it guided them left. Continuing straight, they came to a T-section. Stopping short, Mare created a small Seer Flower to poke around the corner. Thankfully, nothing was there. Seeing one of the other staircases, they went left.

Mare very gently opened the door, sticking the Seer Flower through and tossing it down the middle. As it fell, Mare caught a glimpse of every floor. Floors one to six were all patrolled by floating dolls. "Nearly every floor is patrolled. We might need to sneak down a bit and wait." Naofumi just nodded, following his lead. Creeping into the stairwell and keeping to its dark corners, another Seer Flower peeked through the bars to look down from the ceiling of the next floor.

A trio of dolls milled about, chattering to one another. One of them held up a gem-studded Hunting Knife. Mare relayed this to his partner-in-pants-sh*tting. "That's Kizuna's... Did they get her? Paradox wouldn't let her die would she? That slu*t!... 'I care' my ass." Eventually, both Shielder and Druid saw their chance with clattering wood and porcelain floating off. They made their move, stepping lightly through the door, ducking into a janitorial closet to avoid the searching gazes of a patrol floating up the stairwell.

A moment passed, letting them step out into an empty corridor. They headed out again, moving along the corridors with urgent but cautious haste. With his superior hearing, Mare caught an approaching patrol. They ducked into a room, heading to its balcony, quickly finding that stepping outside was almost immediately a mistake. The hairs on the back of Naofumi's neck stood up, his paranoia warning him that he had seconds. He pulled Mare inside quickly, a mass of black smooshing against the glass but not breaking through. Small graces. "We're not going outside."

Rapidly nodding with wide eyes, Mare followed him through the door back into the hallway. Getting about halfway across the tenth floor brought them to a ballroom. Why this wasn't used for the party was beyond him, but inside the hall was what looked like at least a hundred of those dolls. One was hovering before the rest, slightly larger and more ornate than the rest. Beating feet was a better option than any other.

"Psst! Psst! Over here!" Looking around for where the hissing was coming from, they looked at a nearby grate to see Chris. "Quick! While they're distracted!" Naofumi ripped the grate off the wall, beckoning Mare through. When Chris and Mare were far back enough, he crouched into the duct himself and then embedded the grate in the wall with a slam. A glow came from his Shield, repairing it to hide the damage.

Turning, Naofumi looked at the other two to find them blushing. "Don't you dare look."

Staring Chris in the eyes, he spoke without humour. "Look at what? I don't see anything worth looking at. Now move, we need to get to the fifth floor." Despite the hit to her pride, Chris got moving, leading them through the vents. It went far quicker than before, managing to avoid any patrols and even the stairs. There were maintenance tunnels and ladders leading up and down, leading him to realise that the dorm building was even larger than he thought, or this was more judicious use of impossible space. Regardless, it worked in their favour this time.

They still moved slowly, but got to the fifth floor in good time. A patrol floated by their hiding spot, turning a corner. Chris shimmied the grate off, hopping across the room. Mare stood up and turned, offering a hand to Naofumi. "Uh, guys?"

Chris looked back at them worriedly as she tried to open the door to Kazuma's room. Mare was shocked, hurrying to the Nazarick door...

Also locked...

Glaring, Naofumi stepped towards Nazarick's door. Rearing back, he threw a punch. His full strength struck the door, failing to do so much as budget it, but succeeding in creating a loud, echoing,

*BOOM!*

That spawned a wave of force and heat nearly knocked Chris and Mare over.

"..."

"..."

"... I goofed up."

A dozen ghastly dolls flew around the corner, cackling with laughter, the clacking of wood and porcelain against itself filling them with dread. The dolls flew towards them, knives appearing in their hands. Naofumi quickly scooped up the other two, sprinting for the window. All three screamed as they blasted through the glass, crashlanding much quicker than expected. All three landed safe, but a severe shift in the air put them on edge.

It was only when, noticing they were alone, taking stock of their situation became more pressing.

Unlike the fluorescent lights of where they came from, this place was lit by bobbing blue flames lining the walls. The carpets and walls coated in washed-out and faded colours. Patches were beginning to peel off the wall, cold, uniform brick-and-mortar showing through. A radiant glare surrounded Mare making her look slightly brighter, a yellow-ish light highlighting her. Chris however was now wearing a white and dark-blue nun habit, glowing bright white. Confused, they turned to get Naofumi's input.

And then they were stunned into silence.

Shackles bound his wrists, connected to his neck by armoured silver chains and looping under a thick metal muzzle. Black platemail adorned his body, his features obscured by a hooded cloak of green-black flames. From under the hood peered a pair of glowing red eyes. "What? Is there something on m-... What the spell!?" His voice was hollow, echoing inside the muzzle, dampening his speech.

Chris was the one to break it to them. "I... I believe we're in some sort of Mirror Dimension. We look like this because it's indicative of our true nature. I'm an adherent of the Eris faith and Naofumi is, I suppose those chains are connected to your Shield? I don't get the muzzle and burning cloak though. Is that your Curse?"

No matter how hard he tugged his shackles they wouldn't budge, refusing to let go of him. "I guess so. Does it really matter right now? We need to... Ah nuts."

Anything that could have been said was cut short as something came around the corner. Some sort of ragged black flesh hung loose from long spindly bones with at least two more joints than a humans. Peeking around the corner came the visage of a nightmare. More tattered strips of blackened meat swayed with its movements, barely clinging to a face akin to melted wax. A pair of pitch-black eyes bulged out of its skull, rolling about independently of each other. Its torso was bloated, pockmarked by holes from which more grasping hands reached. As it shifted towards them, the things legs were clearly seen, looking more like insectoid feelers made from stitched together fingers with additional joints.

Atop the head, a thick strand of energy faded off into nothing, implying its connection to a far greater entity. It changed colour, from blue to red, shaking it down to the feelers. Those same feelers shuddered, curling to point at them, its eyes immediately snapping forward to meet theirs. There was no life in those dark orbs, only gleeful malice. It giggled to itself, lower jaw opening up into two halves, an engorged and writhing tongue unfurling from within. Bright red and further pockmarked, additional tongues emerging from them, the ends opening up, revealing Lamprey maws.

"They're heeeerrrrrre~" A dozen more floated around the corner, cackling in their distorted voices. All of them jittered and juddered. Some bloated further, opening up an extra mouth in their side, clusters of hunting tongues wriggling in the air.

"That's just messed up! ... Alright. Chris, Mare. Go, run, now!" They tried to protest, but as the horde of abominations approached, he pulled at his chains. The impossible supernatural strength befitting the Shield Hero against something that refused to do much as shift from it? An enormous pressure burst from it, acting as a wall between him and the two behind him. "I SAID GO DAMMNIT! GET YOUR ASSES MOVING AND GET TO SAFETY!"

They wanted to say more, to try even a little harder. Any attempts were cut off by the horrific squealing as he pulled harder, stronger waves of pressure shoving everything away from him. Chris and Mare bolted through the fire exit, leaping to a vent high up on the wall.

Meanwhile, Naofumi pulled harder, unimaginable pressure causing a build-up of heat, swiftly forming into a ring of flames that set the abominations alight. They seemed not to care about the flames, even as they began melting more, waxy flesh giving way to a mass of some sort of sapient putrefaction. Holding as long as he could, it was impossible to keep his muscles clenched for very long.

He was forced to take a break, watching as they steadily approached, high-pitched giggles turning more distorted and low-pitch. Under the sound was a voice he couldn't quite make out, saying something that he couldn't quite understand. Naofumi still had his Shield, swapping it to the Soul Eater. "Alright, come here you little shi-" Nearly tripping him up, a look at the floor showed him cracks and stone glowing from heat.

"Heh, invincible doors but vincible floors? You've never heard of the 'Invincible Door Fallacy' have you?" And then he rose his foot, stomping his heel full force into structurally unsound flooring. It collapsed, dropping him a floor lower. Slipping away in the ensuing explosion to the stairwell, he stepped off and plummeted to the bottom floor. Another loud *BOOM!* and he made it to...

"B2? Whatever. I'm not going back up." He burst through the door, slamming it behind him. Looking around, it seemed to be the dorm's boiler room. An extra large labyrinth of pipes and other assorted machinery. There was a water purifier for the pool on B1, a collection of Mana generators for people like Beako and Wiz...

Moving through the maze wasn't quick or easy, but it was better than dealing with 'Those' things again. It was slow going in this damp and overly warm floor, taking nearly an hour to get through to a recognisable location. Another door and now a staircase leading up. Not willing to double-back he decided to keep moving forward, hurtling up the stairs and bursting out into open air from the basem*nt.

Almost immediately the hairs on his neck stood up again. Descending from abject nothingness a grotesque mass of anti-matter splattered against the ground. Rising up, it glared down at him, half-melted waxy skin with desiccated flesh reaching upward like grasping hands. Countless threads faded in from the dark, attaching themselves to its back. Very slight luminescence gave him an impression of its size. Or this was just a foot. Hopefully it was the full figure, he might start crying otherwise.

Vainly holding up his Shield, he readied himself to get eaten... Again.

"Nazarick shall not suffer an attack on its own!" Shocked, Naofumi whipped his head around to stare in mounting hope. Every other resident of the dorm were standing at balconies along its side. Readying their own spells, they rained down dozens of buff spells on Naofumi. "MANA TRANSFER!" Ains called out, space and air shifting toward the Shielder.

"" EXPLOSION! ""

Megumin, YunYun and Wiz used up a majority of their mana for a spell, every ounce of it flowing into the Shield. Naofumi smirked, calling out. "HIT ME!" Raphtalia appeared without a second word, slamming her sheathed blade into his Shield, rolling aside quickly. "Change Shield: Attack! SPIRIT TORTOISE HEART BEAM!"

Shifting to its strongest form, a quartet of high-tech energy cannons pointing at the Horror's face, massive rainbow-coloured wings flaring out behind him. It fired, the dominant colour of yellow for its lightning elemental power with a multi-coloured undertone. 'It' struggled to reach down through all his power, more joints were added, elongating it into infinity. Ost stepped up behind him, "Just follow my lead."

They spoke in unison, every word slowly increasing the power of his attack. "" As source of thy power, I command you, unravel the laws of nature and imbue my target with infinite power! Revelation Aura! ""

The combined overall power of each and every single student of Isekhigh scoured the creature. But the power of the Shield wasn't satisfied, amplifying every ounce of energy. By the time his power reserve hit thirty-percent, it doubled in size and power, taking a majority multi-hue colouring and highlighting it with bright red. The cloying black of the empty sky ruptured, releasing the moon and stars to shine down. What seemed like shards of glass fell, shattering against reality.

Despite its power and menace, the Entity could not stand against them all. Hitting zero-percent, Naofumi ran out of energy, the beam dissipating into nothing. Huffing, he did his best to catch his breath while Raphtalia rubbed his back. Everyone else gathered around, looking past Naofumi at what had come out of that Monster. It was a woman, almost completely covered by shadowy wisps. She stood with a snarl, jet black hair nearly completely covering a pair of eyes that looked like the night sky itself.

Clapping could be heard, Paradox stepping forward from somewhere to the right where no-one was before. The other goddess grew angrier at her presence. "These were mine to take Paradox! Mine! You have no right to claim them yourself!" She was about to continue, before Paradox backhanded her, knocking spit clean out of her.

"And this is why no-one ever returns your calls Nyx. I'm not claiming anyone. Now come on, spit them out. Or I'm beating them out of you." Nyx glared, but acquiesced, bending over and heaving. Her jaw opened unnaturally wide, Kizuna, Glass, L'Arc and Therese slid out from within the Night Goddess. One last hack shot L'Arc's scythe out, bouncing against the floor. Paradox gripped Nyx by her Obsidian tresses, calling behind her. "Sorry about that! Good job taking her out!"

Shredding

"Hey! What the hell was this all about!?" Naofumi wasn't satisfied with that, demanding more info. Everyone else present was in agreement. Before Paradox could start talking, Nyx began yelling.

"Every World has a Hero of Heroine! And every Hero or Heroine has a God or Goddess! Those are the rules! All Heroes and Goddesses are assigned via lottery. But this Bitch! Is squandering S-Class Heroes to feed her own ego! Ristarte gets one and you decide you need five!? You selfish whor*!" Nyx panted from her little rant.

"You done yet? Actually, don't bother answering that. You are. First of all, I'm not claiming anyone, Second, that system is only for specifically chosen Heroes. Kazuma was part of the 'Auxiliary Reincarnation Supply Employment' project first coined by Quetzalcōātl. Subaru is bound by an 'Interplanetary Force'. Ains is no longer alive and cannot receive Blessings. And both Tanya and Naofumi are already claimed, by 'Being X' and the 'Vault of the ArmsMaster'. Pray tell, do you believe me to be so arrogant as to steal from another? I wouldn't be so brazen as to flaunt the laws my Mother wrote."

Nyx could only mumble, "You're your own Mother." Before being dragged away again. Leaving the students of Isekhigh to wonder what the hell just happened.

Silence...

And then L'arc and Kizuna embraced as they began sobbing.

'Worst Friday ever.'

Chapter 12: "These are NOT my children. This is NOT poggers, shut up Raph!"

Chapter Text

Despite a refreshing nap, that ensuing haunted house gimmick wore him out again, leaving him to amble about the kitchen, cooking dinner with sheer willpower.

Raphtalia, Rishia and Filo looked particularly shell-shocked. Barely tasting the food, they still thought it was the best thing they ever ate. Though it wouldn't quite sit right and they would stay awake all night. With half a thought, Naofumi dragged the girls with him, the five of them dogpiling into a tangle limbs. It didn't lull them to sleep, but it did fight down their sense of anxiety. Naofumi stared right at the curtains covering the windows, static buzzing in his ears. Raph-chan rolled into a ball, glowing like a nightlight, for them.

Circ*mstances considered, the next school day had been cancelled. As golden rays made for the gaps in the curtains, Naofumi blinked to awareness. Aforementioned rays beaming directly into his eyeballs, he stuttered awake, sweating heavily from the excessive body heat from his teammates. It took him a while to remember what happened, but when he did it took a minute for him to repress his wroth. Gently, he lifted them, carrying his girls to the front room and settling them in the main seating divot. Hands free, he wiped away the built-up gunk in his eye and went to work frying up the least healthy but most comforting food possible.

Slowly, his girls shrugged off their fugue state, drawn to the kitchen by a heavenly aroma. Frying bacon grease and egg whites promised some modicum of normality, even despite remembering yesterday's living nightmare.

Nyx... The Grecian Goddess of Night, the void and presumably nightmares. Grecian myth says that Nyx and Kaos created Tartarus and Gaia, thus leading to all life. If Paradox is Kaos, or something like that, then that meant Nyx was Paradox's daughter. He knew that Gods were weird, Izanagi-No-Okami creating the Gods by washing his face is the weirdest he'd heard, but it was just too much to deal with. If he had a Yen for every time he had to deal with a daughter getting bitchy at her mother...

Well he wouldn't be a rich man, but he is an exasperated one.

Food was served and wolfed down by eager bellies. Not a word was exchanged for a while. Unusual for the team, every evening taken up by discussions and arguments. But when the food was done and everyone sat in silence, Naofumi attempted to lighten the mood even a little. "Filo? Have you said hi to Melty yet? I'm sure she'd love to see you again." Filo jumped up, looking excited, but her wings folded and her head drooped. It looked like she wanted to say something, but couldn't quite get it out.

Naofumi put his hand on her shoulder, pulling her into a gentle hug. "If you don't want to talk yet then don't force yourself to. Just come to me when you're ready, 'k?" Filo hugged him tighter, sniffling as she held back a sob.

"M-Mama wouldn't try to eat Filo. Would he?" He wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean, holding her closer anyway.

"Of course not. Never was a fan of chicken nuggets. I've always been a burrito main. Heh." His joke fell flat, getting only slightly more lively glances from Raphtalia and Rishia, who was holding Raph.

It took a moment for Raphtalia to find her own words, finally providing an answer to question. "I saw my parents."

His blood froze and a boulder crashed into his stomach. "What? You saw your Mom and Dad? Did Filo or Rishia see something similar?"

"... Did you not see anything? I saw my parents. Rishia saw Itsuki and Filo saw a version of you. I spoke with Reinhard and Julius after. They also saw their own worst fears. I think Fear is part of Nyx's Domain. What did you see?"

Guilt blocked up his throat, no matter how he helped, this wasn't something he could fix. All he could do is... Pretend to be normal. "All I got were extremely f*cked up Ito or Geiger monsters. I couldn't see their level though, so I didn't want to risk picking a fight. Plus, I had to look out for Mare and Chri- well, Chris looked out for us but... You know what I mean..." He hated seeing his daughters so downtrodden. Especially Rishia, (had he really started thinking about her like that?) who was doing so well, her slow but sure growth now backsliding.

"Hey... I know you're not in a good place right now... But come talk to me when you're ready. You know I'm here for you." There wasn't anything he could do. Fear could change people, he knew better than to think he had power here. It took Raphtalia nearly getting incinerated for him to pull his head out his own ass. Not that he could compare his neurotic borderline Misogynistic paranoia with legitimate trauma. He just understood where their heads were and that...

Only thing for it was to wait.

A loud knock rattled the front door, shocking everyone behind it upright. Naofumi set Filo down and strode towards the door, biting back an urge to lead with a building-busting right hook. Instead, he pushed the handle down, swung it back to see...

"Yo! Fumi-San!" It was Subaru, Beatrice held to his side not unlike a doll herself. She looked irritated but was betrayed by the way she clung to his jersey. "Ains, Tanya, Kazuma and I wanted to finally give you the formal introduction! We've been calling ourselves the Isekai Quartet for a while now. Since you're here we have to come up with an actual team name! Whaddya think?" Subaru looked absolutely dreadful. Deep purple eye-bags, disheveled hair and stained and crumpled clothes. His eyes were even red from what could have only been sobbing. It was only now that he realised that Beatrice wasn't just glancing at him from where she held the kid.

She was glaring.

If she looked any madder, he would have to hide his fingers in his pockets, lest they get nommed. Subaru was clearly faking good cheer, terribly at that, causing a rush of blood to almost eclipse his vision. In a rare display of acting talent he managed to not let his boiling blood show on his face. Nobody needed his anger right now. Right now they need 'Big Bro Fumi' not the 'Shield Devil'.

"Yeah sure, I'll have to check with the girls first, they're in a pretty bad way."

"And you're just going to leave them alone, I suppose?" Beatrice's unneeded commentary annoyed him, but not enough to keep him from civility. Now that he thought about it, she was probably affected too. He wasn't used to shrugging off scorn, used to dealing it back in equal measure. This time he'd take Talia's advice and just... See where this whole 'Being Polite' thing would take him.

"I'm still checking up on them before I go, but there isn't a thing I can do right now. Everybody recovers from these things in their own time. Sometimes people never heal. But I can't sit there staring at them. They'll know where to find me. Can you say the same about you and yours?" Okay, perhaps it was a bit much to expect good manners from a guy who would break St. Peter's nose because his good deeds outweighed the bad. Beatrice was mollified by it however, keeping any other snide remarks to herself.

Asking didn't get more than a perfunctory affirmation, though at the very least it got a response. They urged him to make friends, Raphtalia eventually rolling her eyes and forcing a gentle smile, telling him to gather info too. In return he set the girls down in front of the TV as a distraction. Jumping to a random channel, looking for kid's programs. 'Jetto-Ikuso? Huh, might be a western thing.'

Their walk to the roof wasn't silent, Subaru chattering about every little thing that came to mind. Naofumi did his best to keep up, responding and questioning but ultimately getting lost in the firehose of prompts flooding the corridor with sound. The word vomit went uninterrupted until someone left through a door.

Kyo Ethnina stared in shock at the two, clearly not expecting to see anyone he recognised. And then his visage soured, grit teeth growling out a single question. "Where. Is. My. Book!?" Naofumi held it out, shaking it like he was entertaining a toddler.

"You mean this? Sorry bud, you had your chance, then you murdered thousands. You got what you deserved." Kyo practically frothed at the mouth with rage, his hands drawing beads of red against his palms.

He spoke with murder in his voice, barely holding back a scream. "Deserved? I never got what I deserved, not until I earned that book. The pathetic philistines who did not understand, who refused to understand. When I killed myself, it was to send a message, that Sho Manamiya was not some sniveling basem*nt-dweller with an intellect comparable to a rat! But something recognised me! It was that I was right! And that tome is my divine right! Proof of my superiority! Now give it back! You could not hope to plumb the depths of its secrets!"

He was panting by the end of his rant, Subaru and Beatrice stunlocked by the incredible entitlement and ego of this little weasel-man. Naofumi clearly agreed, smirking and saying, "Nah. See, Motoyasu, Ren and Itsuki were chosen as Cardinals. You were chosen to be a Vassal. Seen as the perfect patsy, a servant and follower. Personally, I wouldn't trust you to carry my bags, let alone help me in a fight. How about you step back in that room and never come out. Do us all a favour."

Kyo howled, lunging at Naofumi and attempting to take back 'his' property. He didn't get far, even after avoiding Beatrice's Yang bolt. Reaching for it, but missing his grab as Naofumi rose it above his head.

Promptly bringing it back down and cracking Kyo's skull with the spine of the Book, laying the weasel out in a single strike. In a masterful display of control, Naofumi managed to not completely obliterate the former Vassal's cranium. Disappointing, but convenient.

Blood is so very difficult to clean out of neon green cashmere carpeting.

Subaru watched in concern, Naofumi sighing deeply and stepping over the unconscious sociopath. It was clear to him that something weighed heavily on the older man, though Subaru couldn't really get a read. His partner in Isekai happenings was closed off at the best of times, a single lone glimpse not enough to get a proper look into the Shielder's mind. Though as far as Subaru was concerned, this was just one more puzzle to figure out.

Something he'd gotten good at in recent days.

With that business concluded, the two statesman plus their hitchhikers (Raph-Chan had joined them), headed to the roof once more. It was different again, a large bird net across the tops of the fences kept anything from getting to the building. A necessary preventative measure that would at least make people feel better about a possible reprise of Nyx's shenanigans.

Tanya was busy pummeling Kazuma and Ains was staring intently at a pair of rings. Subaru skipped over to one of the benches, situated in a semi-circle at the centre, setting down with Beatrice who in turn was cuddling Raph-Chan. Kazuma had managed to slip free of Tanya's punishment for whatever off-colour joke or statement he made. It seemed the Adventurer was a lot nimbler than he looked, effortlessly avoiding getting caught.

Tanya, on the other hand, was steadily growing more incensed. Her hand kept twitching, wanting to reach down to the Lüger strapped to her side. Part of her wanted to reach for the Gewehr 88 slung on her back, but even she thought that was a bit much.

What? John Moses Browning, the God of Firearms, is incredibly loud. You pick stuff up.

Subaru whistled loudly, alerting the others to company. Kazuma hopped over, nursing a black eye with a healing spell while Tanya unslung her rifle, setting it to the side. His pair of rings disappearing, Ains turned to pay attention, his hunched back not preventing him from looming.

It didn't help that he was wearing the shoulder pads. I mean what the hell do those things even do? As a mage he can't wear armour so what purpose do they serve except to make him weirdly wide. Actually that would be funny, one of those wide Putin memes but with Ains. Or maybe even-!

Please stick to the script.

sh*t! Busted...

*Ahem!*

Naofumi stooped to the floor, leaning his back against the leg of a bench. Subaru parked himself next to the big grump, Beatrice and Raph situated firmly on his lap. "So! It's been like a week since we had so much as a conversation, not since Fumi-San got here! We also can't call ourselves the Isekai Quartet anymore so we're gonna need a new team name!"

He got a couple weird looks, Tanya actually responding. "You are the only person who calls us that. All I want to know is what's your deal Shield? What are your motives? I'd rather not have to dispose of you and possible anti-imperial rhetoric." Her glare would have been cute, were it on someone that blinked at regular intervals. This kid could hold a stare till the heat death of the universe.

"Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine." He wasn't willing to open his heart without some assurance it wouldn't be used against him. Right now he was the outsider, Subaru got his foot in the metaphorical door but all five of them were individuals, they'd open up on their own time, if at all.

Though, shocking enough, Tanya nodded, relaxing her guard. "Very well. This process is rather simple. We have already discussed our own situations. Myself, I was a high-ranking salaryman. Then 'God' shoved me into a train, forced me to be reborn as a little orphan girl and now I'm fighting a war I want no part in. Forced to invoke 'His' will through prayer to use a weapon also forced on me. My motive is to murder this 'God' and return to normal life."

Naofumi just shook his head. "Am I the only one who hasn't died yet? What the f*ck man. What the hell is 'God's' problem anyway? Why'd he pick on you specifically?"

Tanya glared at nothing, linking her fingers and resting her chin against them. "Faith. Apparently he's mad that people aren't praying to him anymore. Don't believe in him anymore. He wants me to worship him honestly. I refuse."

"... Tch. Faith. Faith in what? I believe the Gods are real, can't not. Not anymore. And if it's faith in power? Well that's undeniable too. The only thing I could think he wants is just blind obedience. Faith that he's better and you should just acknowledge it. Which is also bullsh*t if he can't just make you believe. Me? I'll put my faith in persons thanks."

Kazuma piped up, confused. "Don't you mean people?"

Naofumi let out an unabashed laugh. "People are stupid, but a person is smart. Persons are Raphtalia, Rishia and you guys. You're smart, but this school? Everyone in it? Rock stupid. Ya' get me?" Beatrice nodded along, agreeing wholeheartedly. Subaru and Kazuma looked vaguely insulted but couldn't argue. They themselves had mediocre intelligence at best... So they told themselves anyway.

Ains continued the conversation. "I myself was awaiting the shutdown of my favourite VRMMO YGGDRASSIL. When the clock struck zero... Nothing happened. Instead of the only real home I ever had, the only family I had, disappearing... I found myself in a strange new world. Now I wish to establish myself and my people as their own sovereignty. I have no intentions of losing what is mine. So to answer your question, no. You are not the only one not to have perished prior."

"Huh. I'd recommend treading real light there. You know how Humans are. Give us a stick and some time and we'll murder God, the Devil and everything inbetween. Try to keep the murders to a minimum eh?" Naofumi meant it partially as a joke, but Ains leaned back quickly, like in shock. He seemed to consider that, as if the thought hadn't occurred to him.

Unbeknownst to them both, this single line of thought would directly save the lives of thousands. But that was a story for another time.

"Speaking of adaptability, that's my main skill, hah!" Kazuma bragged, taking Naofumi's words a bit too much to heart. "Basically, I died when I pushed a girl out of the way of a truck and woke up to Aqua giving me this spiel about reincarnation. You know you apparently can't do dirty stuff in heaven? Sound like hell to me. Anyway! Basically if I kill some Devil King I get a wish."

Ains responded as Naofumi stared at him, intently. "Didn't Aqua say you died of shock? After thinking you got hit by a truck?" He sounded amused.

Kazuma of course responded indignantly. "Hey! I thought it was a truck! Cut me some slack! ... In Naofumi? Why are you looking at me like that? I'm not into dudes you know?"

Before he could continue, Naofumi nodded at him. "You gave up your life for someone else. Regardless of what actually happened, you thought it was. You're... More noble than you look. Kudos kid." His honest compliment shut down anything Kazuma could say in return, the boy left speechless by the high praise. He expected something backhanded or sarcastic.

What the hell was Kazuma going to do with that!?

Keeping things chugging along, Subaru finished with his own grand interpretation of his lore. "I bought snacks, blinked and found myself in a new world. I kinda need to assist someone commit suicide? But, I'm not sure if killing them is the right move? I dunno, I'm still figuring things out. I'll get it soon."

Beatrice finally put her two cents in. "Betty still can't believe you're all from another world, I suppose. The same world, same country in fact! It seems impossible. Does that mean there is a connection to our worlds and this phenomena?"

Naofumi knew better, the three stooges were proof enough. "Hey, who's the guy on the five-hundred Yen bill?"

They all looked at him weird, proceeding to give him all different answers. They then looked at each other, never having heard of the other's Prime Ministers. They asked him how he knew to do that.

Now it was his turn.

"I was summoned from my world through a book as one of four Heroes to protect the world of Medea from the 'Waves of Calamity'. A phenomena where a dimensional rift would open up somewhere at random and spew infinitely respawning monsters. The only way to close a Wave is to defeat the Wave Boss. Every subsequent Wave is more difficult than the last, so teamwork is paramount. There has to be Four Cardinals and Eight Vassals. Right now, I'm the only Cardinal worth a damn and Raphtalia is the only active Vassal in play."

His glare was piercing, even Tanya leaning away. It didn't stop her asking him. "There's something you haven't told us. I suppose your motive is simply survival, but that doesn't explain why you're so angry. And of course, that demonic power, I think it would be good to know the specifics of that. If you don't mind." It wasn't a question. It was a demand.

But Naofumi took a deep breath and readied himself to be vulnerable. He hated it almost as much as he hated Malty. But he couldn't stay closed off here. Not to them. Not if he wanted to go home. Plus... They were better people than even they would accept. Someone had to prop them up. And not just for their power. "... Are you familiar with the Despair Event Horizon? Every time I reach that point, my Shield offers me power. All I have to do is give up my humanity. And all because I was stabbed in the back and exiled. Lucky me I picked business and economics in college... Almost as if I knew subconsciously this was coming and I would need it... f*ck."

No-one was willing to talk anymore, the fact sinking in as to what exactly happened to make Naofumi such a closed yet powerful individual. Despite their myriad deaths, Subaru and Kazuma leaned on death as a tool for success, knowing they had plenty of chances to try again. Ains had incredible power, a home and an army at his back, something Tanya shared. And they looked to Naofumi, blankly staring ahead, furrowed brows the only emotion visible on his face. No real home, few allies and no second chances. The additional tidbit that this was all predetermined? As if his suffering was inevitable regardless?

They were all a little f*cked in the head...

Now though?

Now they had each other.

THEY'RESOFREAKINGADORABLEOHMYGODICAN'T-

SCRIPT WOMAN!

But who knows? These children of circ*mstance may just weave a miraculous tapestry together. How exciting.

Chapter 13: "My arm hurts..."

Chapter Text

"Did someone ask for a legal loli!?"

Kizuna busted through the door to the roof, plopping herself down on Naofumi's lap. In spite of his grumbling about 'annoying jailbait', he didn't push her away. "I can't believe you guys forgot about me, you know I'm a Hero too right?"

Tanya rolled her eyes, aiming a dark smile at Kizuna. "You're in Class One, it was easy to forget about you. Are you aiming to talk on a subject in particular? Or perhaps you're just here to stick your nose where it doesn't belong." Kizuna met Tanya's sneer with a bright grin, putting her off-balance.

"Well! Shall we start with my tragic backstory? Mom drinks and Dad has a lot of girlfriends. Which is weird, since he looks like Donkey Kong. Maybe women are into that? Anyway, I got sucked into a book and had to fight an immortal Demi-God that presides over all magic. Oh also I spent six years trapped in a pocket dimension. That sucked for a while. And then came my knight in greasy armour!" She mimed blowing him a kiss and laughed at his grimace.

"My armour ain't greasy..." Shifting, Naofumi stood, holding Kizuna under an arm and stretching. She didn't react to the weird position, continuing on.

"Kizuna Kizuyashi, Cardinal Hunting Hero, at your cervix!"

Kazuma coughed, struggling down his laughter. Subaru didn't quite get the joke though. "Cervix? Don't you mean service?"

Naofumi replied in her stead, causing her to erupt in anger. "She's gayer than the rainbow and has six years of repression to work out with her girlfriend."

"I AM NOT GAY! I am Bi, thankyouverymuch! At least I'm not a cradle-robber like you!"

"Women are like wine and Men are like cheese. A kid like you is as appealing to me as an enema. Meanwhile I'm not a huge fan of either. But I'll take aged wine for the flavour. Know what I mean?"

"... Loli harem." Naofumi dropped her. She hit the ground with an 'Oomf!' Yelling at him to 'Treat ladies with more respect!' To which he simply said 'No.' The other four watched on with some awe at this legendary display of childish pettiness. They couldn't quite decide if they were sworn enemies or best friends. Ains was worried about causing a disturbance, only for his non-existent blood to suddenly shoot up in pressure as he looked aside to see Tanya taking notes.

'That's not good.' Ains clapped his hands together to catch everyone's attention. "I believe there is one last item on tonight's agenda. While I have very little input as to our monikers, but Subaru and Kazuma have taken to referring to us as the 'Isekai Quartet'. Given there are now six of us, this nomenclature is no more applicable. Myself and Tanya have no interest in any group names, but you now possess a vote either for or against this. We will follow the democratic process in this matter." 'Nailed it Ains!'

Kizuna squinted at him, almost incredulous that a skeleton was talking. "Hmm, well I'm for it. My suggestion would be something like... 'The Über Power Force!' Yeah, that sounds good!" Her suggestion was heard and immediately discarded.

"... Sure, whatever. I don't care enough to stop you. How about just 'The Isekai Squad'? Can't get better than that." His self-satisfied nod, with closed eyes, prevented him from seeing the grimaces on everyone's faces. This dumbass really did suck at naming things! His suggestion was also thrown out.

It took hours, arguments, a punch from Kazuma nearly throwing Kizuna off her feet, only for her to retaliate with one of the cleanest roundhouse kicks they'd ever seen. The sun came up over the roof, illuminating our colourful cast as they pooled together for one last suggestion. Approving nods all around as they came to a final agreement.

"This is ridiculous."

"It perfectly suits us does it not?"

"No take-backsies!"

"I want a lawyer! This was rigged!

"Just let it go dude. 'Sides, it makes sense."

"... This really is what we are isn't it?"

'The Inter-Dimensional H.R. Department'

'This is by far the dumbest thing anyone has ever thought of.'

~v~

A little more was discussed, Naofumi breaking out the same 'Who's on the 500 yen bill?' Question he and the other three Medean Cardinals asked one another. Beatrice watched silently, glad that no-one was expecting her input nor interacting with her. She offered advice occasionally, asking one or two questions to keep the ball rolling but otherwise kept to herself. Everyone was respecting of her desire to stay out of the conversation, a fact she appreciated.

It took another hour for them to run out of topics, Subaru and Kazuma, as the two most personable and active members of their clubs, had to return to their respective dorms. Their teammates were also in need of comforting and they had been out a bit longer than they'd have liked.

As a consequence of the additional room, Tanya and Kizuna proceeded to draw a chalk circle and attempted to toss each other out of it Sumo-style. Tanya emerged the victor of round one after tossing her into Ains, toppling them both.

Their bout went from best two out of three to best eleven out of thirteen. Naofumi cheered on Tanya, telling her about Kizuna's 'weak points' which were mercilessly exploited. Kizuna lost two matches from being tickled before Ains began cheering her on, buffing her with a sensitivity lowering spell. Naofumi responded by casting Einz Aura. It quickly became a game of 'Who's better at support?' It only ended when both ladies collapsed, finally exhausted. "Im-*Pant*-pressive, you're *Pant* You're pretty good *Pant*."

"Round-*Pant*-Round thirteen? *Pant*"

Ains, as the only normal and reasonable person, set them aside on a bench. "I believe you have both done enough for one night. It is impressive, despite the both of you possessing miniscule frames, I would struggle to find people with half your ability. Besides, this has reminded me..." He stood up, towering in his full eight foot height. "Iwatani Naofumi. As one newly inducted as a denizen of the Tomb of Nazarick, I would like to Appraise you and your abilities. Only were you to consent of course."

A raised brow denoted his amusem*nt. "Why not? Just keep your eyes above the waist yeah?" Standing up at a, less but not not, impressive six-three. He held out his arms, waiting to be scanned.

While Sebas and Demiurge both 'Scanned' and 'Appraised' the Shield Hero before, neither were close or thorough enough in the small time they were near him. Now given the opportunity, Ains began the process of a 'Deep Scan'. Which could take up to a full minute and required constant eye contact. Or at least, met gazes. Ains didn't have the eyes with which to contact someone elses...

It was slightly awkward, Naofumi thought, having a massive Lich leaned over you. If he was the squeamish type he'd already be throwing up. It passed however, one minute feeling like an hour, no different than planking he assumed. Ains stepped back, and were he able to whistle, he would have. 'These stats, if just one Cardinal could possess this strength, even at this kind of deficit... Worrying.'

[Name: Iwatani 'Oni-Yuusha/Kami-Yuusha' Naofumi • Race: Therianthrope Human/Dragon • Total Level: 74 (+76) • Karma: 50 Neutral-Good]
[Racial Level: Human (41+42) Dragon (33+34) • Class Level: Shield Hero/Guardian (10), White Mage (10), Alchemist (10), Enchanter (10), Merchant (10), Shield Lord (10), Chef (10), Dark Knight (10), Maid (3), Scholar (4), Assassin (5), Thief (5), Cavalry (6), General (7), Dragon Emperor (???), Mirror Vassal (???), Tome Vassal (???)]
[Hp: 180]
[MP:80]
[Phy. Atk: 100 (-99)]
[Phy. Def: 95 (+30)]
[Agility: 40]
[Mag. Atk: 77]
[Mag. Def: 80]
[Resistance: 100 (+100)]
[Special Ability: ?????]
[Total: 783]
[Skills: Eyes of Medjed, Pan's gift, Dionysis' Debauchery, Bishamonten's Blessing, Perfect Mind, Perfect Body, Cardinal Authority, Cardinal Shield and assorted forms][Equipment: Barbarian Armour +3 (Robe of Rage)]

A mainline Support Tank with a number of additional support roles that further enhance his long-term capability. Excellent team synergy and magic use with an incredible defensive foundation. He would be hard-pressed to find someone as nigh-indestructible as Naofumi. To no-one's surprise, Assassin and Thief were a giveaway of his criminal ties. Granted, there were aspects of his character sheet that he wasn't sure the Shielder knew of. Worrying aspects, ones with consequences.

Though he was curious about the glitching numbers and Classes. There seemed to be some kind of interference, as if the foreign powers couldn't be scanned properly. That, or foreign elements couldn't translate to different systems fully. Given Naofumi's 1 in Physical Attack in spite of his brutal display of melee prowess would imply that Kazuma's stats from his world were also taking effect. But why was Strength taking precedent over Physical Attack as a measure of one's ability to inflict harm? There were two worlds that used Physical Attack over Strength...

'Which could only mean that something is suppressing his innate abilities and/or this world removes some restrictions. Before, I had only Kazuma to compare with. Now that Naofumi is here, I can confirm my hypothesis.' For now, he held his metaphorical tongue. There were better places for this. "Very good. Even among the 41 Supreme Rulers of Nazarick, there are few who could match or breach your defences. Clearly, you are the Shield Hero for a reason."

"Heh, you're gonna make me blush. See anything good in there?" He was genuinely curious, wanting to see what his stats look like from another world. ...Another, other world.

"... Not so much, no. Though there are things I would like to discuss later, in more private settings. Instead, I was wondering if you would like to engage in a test of your abilities? For tonight, the Pleiades shall act as adequate opponents." A snap of his finger bones summoned forth his Battle Maid team. All six stood at the ready, Regina waving at Naofumi with a grin. Yuri stared at him, seeking to figure him out. Humans did not often mingle with demons with a smirk. Narberel grimaced at his general presence, less than enthused by another Human in Nazarick's halls. 'Rhinoceros Beetle...'

CZ regarded him, tilting her head to the side. The only thing on her mind was asking him if she could hug Raph-Chan. Meanwhile Entoma and Solution both salivated at the 'Meal' before them. Naofumi responded to their weird expression by laughing at them. "Ha! I see you called your janitorial staff to mop the floor with me, heh. Alright, I'm game, who's first?"

Yuri stepped towards him, bracing herself to begin her assault. "As the Shield Hero, it would be prudent to get a good baseline for your Defences. As such, Yuri will test your Physical Defences, Narberel your Magical and Entoma your resistances. Regina is here just in case, while CZ and Solution are present for more esoteric skills. Yuri? Whenever you are ready."

Nodding, the Vice-Captain of the Pleiades slightly bowed her head, a small show of respect. Nodding back, nothing wrong with being polite, Naofumi braced his basic Small Shield. "One round with my basic Shield, then we'll do a second with a specialised form. Yeah?"

"Understood, your suggestion is sound. Brace." Without another word, Yuri charged forward, her gauntleted fist crashing against the Shield. A horrifying ring of metal-against-metal pierced the air, a staccato of clashing Adamantine and Phantasmic Non-Metal. Her strikes were steady, every blow well aimed at crucial weak points, only fended off by the lightning fast movements of Naofumi's arm. Due to the Shield's innate weakness to bludgeoning impacts, even his overwhelming defences were strained. His armours regenerative enchantment was his only real lifeline.

However, after ten seconds of hammering a green glow flashed across Yuri's arms. Her strikes grew fiercer, hitting faster and harder. It quickly became apparent that this wasn't a simple Endurance test. Naofumi began turning his Shield aside to mitigate the impacts, if only so he didn't break his arm. The floor didn't appreciate these impacts, beginning to waver as the pressure increased.

Another ten seconds flew by, along with a yellow flash, her offense growing heartier and more meaningful. Strong winds were kicked up by the impacts, flicking up capes and skirts alike. Tanya and Kizuna were both watching intently, impressed by such force and technique. They had to also admit that for someone who's only been fighting for eight months, Naofumi keeping up was also impressive. They couldn't wait to see how this would go. In the meantime, Ains observed the test keenly. 'Yuri's Ramp-up skill can potentially be deadly to even Gargantua. Few are able to keep up at level two like this.'

Red, flashing to signal the death of something. Blistering winds focused into a funnel, obscuring Naofumi from view. His Shield continued to meet fists, crumbling concrete and ticking down HP not enough to buckle him. Yuri grit her teeth, her own feet embedding themselves in the rooftop. 'More, MORE! I shall not disappoint Lord Ains!' "Naofumi! Don't you dare fall and embarrass us all!"

Deep purple lightning ran along her arms, forty seconds having passed. Her blows stopped, winds dying down and all sound coming to an end. Space folded in on itself as Yuri readied to unleash her fully realised power. A single punch combined the force of every blow, conjuring a large funnel of cutting gale-force winds. Ains had to put up a barrier to prevent himself and the girls from being blown away.

Steam billowed from Yuri's arms, the force and pressure causing a build-up of heat that had to be dissipated. Panting, she watched the kicked-up dust cloud for signs of movement. A moment passed as it settled, revealing Naofumi stood at the end of a large gouge in the floor. His feet were stuck ankle deep in the concrete, Shield glowing red and emitting steam of its own. Naofumi pulled his feet from the ground, flicking up his hair and walking back over to Yuri.

His HP sat at 74. In contrast, at level 42, a Ritual-class Judgement spell against his Wrath Shield left him at an equivalent of 13 HP. Yuri alone was potentially at least as powerful as a Vassal Hero. An impressive feat for a mere 'Battle Maid'.

Naofumi saluted Yuri with a smirk. "You're Stronger than 300 mages worth of light magic. I'm not gonna lie, that's awesome. Kudos!"

"... You're not so bad yourself. I have very rarely had the chance to use that technique. Thank you." Yuri gave a shallow bow, one warrior to another.

But Naofumi waved her off. "Nah, don't bow. We're equals here." And he offered her his hand. She took it, both of them shaking strongly, but not with any malice. They understood each other too well now.

"So. Round two?"

"That would be excellent."

The other Pleiades cheered on their sister, while Kizuna, Tanya and Regina cheered on Naofumi. Regina of course made a number of inappropriate comments, which Kizuna immediately joined in on. Tanya stopped saying anything after that.

Ains just brought his hands to his face. 'I'm gonna use up all my MP fixing this roof aren't I?'

Poor Ains...

His torment was only beginning...

Chapter 14: "I can't feel my face."

Chapter Text

Littering the rooftop, the Pleiades lay face down, thoroughly knackered.

Other than CZ of course, who sat hugging Raph-Chan, her head billowing steam from her own bout with the Shield Hero. A twenty minute long game of peek-a-boo that tested reflexes and threat assessment, set in a minor pocket dimension of a forest. A perfect testing ground for an assassin vs bodyguard showdown. Until he took an anti-tank rifle round directly between the eyes.

Good thing he's immune to critical strikes and resistant to piercing attacks, else that would have hurt. Instead he just had to deal with a splitting headache. By contrast, his test against Solution was a crapshoot that had to be ended early. Instead of finding her among the mannequins of the city, a quality test of counter-subterfuge, he just made boner jokes about Ains. Solution broke her cover every time, trying to melt him. It made her madder that she only managed to eat his shirt.

Entoma subjected him to injections of every type of venom she had. Made him eat every poisonous thing she could produce and even try to fill his lungs with toxic gas. The venom just turned his eyes a radioactive green for a bit, the poison turned them purple and the toxins just made him sneeze. She wasn't mad though. They had a lovely conversation about bugs, including Naofumi enrapturing Entoma with the fact that beetles apparently made up one quarter of all Earth's species. He even mentioned his love of spiders, the Tarantula Hawk for its cool factor, the Cartwheel Spider because it was funny and Jumping Spider's, who were just adorable.

When the conversation turned to her revealing her real face and voice, she grew worried, but did so as quickly and subtly as possible. "Wicked freaky. Like a cross between a termite, a centipede and a pill-bug. Whoever created you must've loved bugs. Can't blame him. You guys are awesome." Entoma hadn't stopped rolling back and forth since, presumably with happiness.

Narberel had no such luck with 'bonding' with the Shield, given his immunity to magic at fifth-tier and below. And when he broke out the Meteor Shield, even eighth-tier magic struggled to stick. Just like how Yuri stopped dealing any damage after the Inter-Dimensional Whale Shield came out, the Meteor Shield shut down even her lightning magic. It still dealt damage, but not nearly enough to justify the lost MP. MP that swiftly ran out as she attempted to hit him with an equivalent of the Spirit Tortoise's Soul-Searing Lightning Cannon.

Close... But no dice.

Collapsing onto a bench, Regina propped him up with a simple restorative. He sat there, shirtless, thanks to Solution, drenched in sweat and even more exhausted than ever before. He wasn't going to be missing a night of sleep this time. Kizuna and Tanya had long since left, having their own people to get back to. Ains relayed everything he saw to a monitor in the Tomb, his Floor Gaurdians taking notes.

ÙvvÚ

"His skills are well developed. A Juggernaut capable of espionage, dangerous." Cocytus admired the spirit of mortals sometimes. Part of him is sure that Shield or no, Naofumi would be a powerful and highly capable warrior.

"Yes, though there is plenty to criticise is there not? Very little offensive ability will not elevate him beyond even the Pleiades. We should be wary of his capacity for subterfuge as well. It would be only too easy for him to sell us out. Humans are fickle, after all." Demiurge kept things in perspective, not yet allowing himself to think of the Shielder as one of their own. Though his opinion was not shared by many.

"He is honest to a fault. If he were to betray us, it would be with a fist to the face, not a knife in the back. Besides, who would dare question Lord Ains' rule? ~He's perfect after all~." Albedo was lost in her delusions again, but the others agreed with her point. While his exact place among them was up in the air, it was not up for debate whether he had a place there at all.

"He likes plants, animals and bugs. That's good enough for us! Eh Bro?" Aura and Mare were both in agreement. Aura especially felt indebted to him for cheering up her brother with a hand-made gift. Mare appreciated him for hearing him out without judgement or scorn. The elven twins spoke for the Shield's kindness to even them.

"Hmph. If Ains says so, then we will not question it. Though this man is still just Human, he has very little to offer and poses no great threat. If he causes trouble, we will simply kill him. Victim will have to monitor him." Shalltear was the only one unimpressed by the display, even if she shudders at the thought of agreeing with Albedo, the useless virgin was correct. Naofumi would only threaten them with a closed fist, not an open hand.

5-to-1 in favour of allowing Naofumi to take a place among them. The only question now was, where?

<0•0>

Ains was satisfied with today. His Floor Guardians, sans Demiurge, agreed on giving Naofumi a place. There was really only on job suitable for a man of his calibre. Clapping his hands signalled everyone to rise. "Given the display of power as an anti-siege weapon yesterday, plus the display of skill and endurance, I have reached a decision. Naofumi, I would like for you to act as an honorary Floor Guardian for the Tombs Entrance. Our 'Gate Guardian', as it were."

"... I don't have to wear a suit and tie do I?" Humour was his go-to when given some kind of honour alright? Cut him some slack.

Ains took it in good humour, chuckling at his deflection. "No, you may wear what you like, so long as it facilitates the defence of Nazarick. I am looking forward to what you and the other Gaurdians can do together." The Pleiades left, Entoma and Regina waving him goodbye while Yuri saluted him.

He returned the friendly gestures, shifting aside as Ains took a seat beside him. "Something else you needed?"

The Lich produced a ring, gold and red, imprinted with an almost draconic symbol. It looked eerily similar to the design on his Wrath Shield... "This, is a Ring of Ains Ooal Gown. It allows for communication and instantaneous movement throughout Nazarick. I have very few of these, So I am asking if it is possible to duplicate items? If not, then you, as the Tomb's Gate Gaurdian, this would do best in your possession."

"... That's a heavy responsibility, but, yeah sure. I can't duplicate it, I'd need a Shield form from something that can shapeshift or create copies of itself. But I can do something, pass it here a sec. Oh and, aren't you Ains Ooal Gown?" Taking the offered item, Naofumi placed it within the Shield's gemstone. It changed, the gemstone in the centre taking the same appearance as the ring, with the Shield turning from a steel gray to golden.

'Perhaps I could ask Narberel for some of her blood. Would a pint suffice?' "Hmm. Originally, I was Momonga. I took up the name of Ains Ooal Gown to preserve the memory of the guild I had built with my friends. I would have gone so far as to call them my family. Now, my only family is those of Nazarick's Tomb. But enough of that, will you tell me what you have done." Nodding, Naofumi retrieved the ring, handing it back to Ains.

"The Shield of Ains Ooal Gown. While I'm in the Tomb, I get a home field advantage. Best part? It gives me a chat log for my party. Here, check it out." A pop-up appeared in Ains' vision, asking if he would like to accept becoming Leader of Sub-Party 1. He pressed yes, his HUD now filling with additional data. Naofumi, Raphtalia, Filo and Rishia's names and bars popped up. The third purple bar beneath Naofumi and Raphtalia glitched and warped before straightening out.

"I can form party's? Is there any limits I should know about?"

"If you have more than six members of a party you get less EXP, 25% per extra member. But I guess that's only useful for The Pleiades right?"

"True. This does however lead to an issue in if it is possible to extract chat log data from those privy to it. As such, it may not be so useful. I will have to be careful. But you have my thanks. This will prove to be useful." Ains stood up, making to leave before Naofumi stopped him.

"Yo! Can I ask you something? Why are you going along with this? Is it a favour for a fellow Jap'?"

He seemed... Confused for a moment. "Fellow Jap'? ... Ah. Right. My name was... Suzuki Satoru... Right?" He stared blankly ahead, almost lost.

Naofumi rose to his own feet, patting the confused Lich on the shoulder. "Maybe you should go lie down yeah? A nap or... Whatever it is undead do. That should make you feel better. Yeah, Ains?"

The sound of his name snapped him from his trance. "Yes, I am Ains. Forgive me, I must be going. Farewell." He bid his goodbye's and returned to the Tomb, leaving Naofumi to worry about him alone.

Sighing, he took the opportunity to rest a moment to take in the breeze. And then he smelt himself. "Ugh, that's awful... Must've been something I ate. Heh." Up next, a shower. He had a dire need to scrub himself with nuclear levels of heat. Maybe have Gaelion and Dora blast him with flamethrowers. He fiddled with his settings for a bit, finding a way to transfer administrative license solely to the Sub-Party leaders. To test it, he sent a couple messages.

[Naofumi: Yo Raph! How is everyone?]
[Raphtalia: Naofumi? Is this a new Shield power? Well, we're fine. Filo is enamoured by these 'Powered Rangers'? Rishia found a strange picture book and took it to her room. ... I'm stress-eating, admittedly. Are you okay?]
[Naofumi: Yeah I'm good, but could you elaborate on what Rishia had?]
[Raphtalia: Okay? It was flimsy. It also has a strange picture of a rabbit on it.]
[Naofumi: ... Did you see what it was called?]
[Raphtalia: I believe it said 'Playboy'. Why? Is there a problem?]

Naofumi nearly choked on his spit. How did Rishia get her hands on softcore p*rn!? And why did she keep it!?

[Naofumi: Don't worry about it! I'm coming back and in desperate need of a shower. If I'm late, assume I fell down the stairs and just fell asleep.]
[Raphtalia: Please don't throw yourself down the stairs again. We had to dig you out last time.]
[Naofumi: Pfft, I'm not that clumsy.]
[Raphtalia: ...]
[Naofumi: DON'T ... ME!]

Grumpily, he closed the log, traversing the stairwell to return to his dorm. Before he could enter his floor he heard the sound of sniffling and murmur's echoing up to him. 'These people are going to be the death of me I swear.' Shaking from exhaustion, coated in grime and smelling of hot vinegar, he made his way to the bottom floor instead. Swinging around the banister he spotted someone curled up under the stairs, a floating cat doing its best to cheer her up. It noticed him, but took no particular action. "Lia is having a bad day, So if you could leave?"

"I-it's okay Puck. Subaru said 'If I ain't there an' ya need a hand, just call Fumi-Nii-San!' Plus, Beatrice and Rem have both said he's okay." Emilia was still curled up, only the top half of her face visible. It was clear by her still wet cheeks and swollen red eyes that she'd been crying. Naofumi ducked under the stairs to crouch at her eye level, chuckling at her crinkling nose. Puck and Emilia were both surprised by sudden bare torso. The fact he was soaked with sweat and covered almost entirely in old scars worried the two of them for different reasons. Puck didn't like the look, knowing he was involved in shady business.

Meanwhile, the jagged, cauterised stab wound dominating his abdomen brought up some of her worst memories. "W-What happened to you?" Puck was a little jealous that a stranger distracted her from her waking nightmare, deciding in the end it was worth it to see his daughter do anything but break all over again.

Naofumi glanced down at where Motoyasu ran him through with a Lightning Spear and back up at Emilia. "Eh, I was lightly stabbed."

"LIGHTLY!?" Emilia almost screeched, baffled by someone's nonchalance toward a hole being punched through them.

"I'm the Shield Hero. Getting shanked is literally my job. Besides, half of these are self-inflicted, so don't worry. I'm not that bad at protecting myself."

"That is the exact opposite of comforting..."

"Alright, 'nuff about me. What's the issue kid. Why are you sobbing under the stairs? I figured you'd be recovering in your room."

Emilia's gaze dropped, as did her expression. "I thought I was over this. But it seems I was mistaken. I'm just as scared of the dark as ever..." Puck whispered 'Lia...' Distressed by her pain and desperate to do something about it.

Naofumi huffed and sat against the wall beside her, propping an arm up on his knee. "Recovering from some kind of trauma isn't a quick or easy process. You can relapse and repeat your own mistakes. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with you. If you need more time then you need more time. And hey, you have people who'll stick by you. I'm pretty sure Subaru would literally die for you. Which, to be fair, isn't something anyone wants. Bu-"

He was cut off, her response forced through a hiccup. "Subaru can't do anything for me. He doesn't owe me anything. I wouldn't blame him if he ran off with Rem." Saying it seemed like she was deciding to forsake everything.

Of course he wasn't having any of that. "Who gives a sh*t about who owes who!?" Emilia gasped, whipping her head up to stare at his glaring face. "You think people can only want to help you because of a debt!? Newsflash you brat! I don't owe you sh*t! Neither does anyone else! And you don't owe anyone else a goddamn thing! I'm helping you 'cuz I'm sick of kids like you being left to pick up after morons who want more than they deserve and can't keep it in their pants! Subaru is crazy about you! And your dog obviously cares, so take the hint and talk. Or am I going to have to resort to begging?"

He made to take a deep breath, but the universal idea of young ladies being embarrassed by their dad's garners the exact same reaction regardless of place or circ*mstance. "NONONONO! I- okay. Okay. Um. Well. Half-Elves aren't exactly held in the highest esteem... Raphtalia was very clear about her and her people's circ*mstances. Well, we weren't enslaved as often, but I didn't really have the benefit of growing up in a quaint fishing village. There was... A half-elven woman a long time ago. Most knew her as Satella, but nowadays she is referred to as the Witch of Envy. Said to be so evil and monstrous that her very presence drained the life of all unlucky enough t meet her gaze. As you might imagine, I've had to walk on eggshells for most of my life. My only real friends being the Lesser Spirits I summoned."

She curled even tighter in on herself, a haze forming over her eyes. Naofumi stood up, bending backwards to crack his spine. The violent popping shocked Emilia, looking up to an outstretched hand. "C'mon kid. Let's take a walk." Not really feeling like arguing, she took his hand, letting him pull her up. "Follow me, we're heading to the forest."

They headed for the woods surrounding the school, Puck taking the opportunity to talk their ears off. "Who would you say is the fairest lady out of everyone here?"

"The fairest lady... It's gotta be Cocytus! Such a lustrous beauty!" They chuckled at the image of the icy bug-man pulling a cutesy pose, perhaps in an ill-fitting attire provided by a pair of demonic twins even? Puck's heart soared at Emilia looking confused, before giggling to herself.

"There's a smile! Hey Puck! Can I change my answer?"

"No-take-backsies!"

Walking backwards, Naofumi finally remembered something he wanted to bring up. "Y'know, I don't think Rem likes you much. Or if she does, she thinks you don't do as much for Subaru. To be fair, you don't really have to care about him, but something tells me you do."

Emilia furrowed her brows, tilting her head cutely, uttering a soft, "Huh?" She continued, her train-of-thought finally catching up. "I... I want to be more for Subaru. I'm just not sure how. He seems to constantly take everything on his shoulders. Even when he asks for help its with pursed lips, like he's tasting something sour. If he... If he came to me first, I'd do whatever I could. Not just because he's put his life on the line for my... Our, sakes. But also because... He's become someone I can't quite imagine living without anymore. It would be like going deaf."

Her little speech hung in the air, leaving her to curl into her own shoulders. She may have moved past her previously timid nature but there were just some things you can't declare without shame! Unless you're Subaru... She was still on the fence as to whether that's a good thing or not. Naofumi chewed on his thoughts for a moment, not really used to helping people convince others to let them help.

Yeah, because you're exactly the same as Subaru... And Kazuma... Ains and Tanya too...

Scriiiiiiiipt.

Tch, spoilsport.

Naofumi finally opened his mouth. "I don't really have anything for that. All I can really say is, try. Try to be there for the people you care about. It doesn't matter if they don't respond. I guess, some people appreciate the attempt more than anything else. Just be patient I suppose. ... Here we are." They stopped in a clearing, Emilia glad for any form of advice. Now that she thought about it, wasn't he doing exactly as he was saying now?

'I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. He's no rube, the Shield Hero would be good at helping people.' "So, why are we here?"

Puck popped up, chirping curiously, "Yeah! What's your grand scheme?"

Turning around, he walked over to Emilia, lightly grabbing her hands and beginning to position her. A deep blush was mirrored with a scowl from Puck. "Hey what are you doing!?" Ignoring them both, Naofumi brought Emilia's balled fists close to her face, pushing one leg back from the other. She stood in a standard boxer's stance, somewhat confused but understanding the general idea.

He stood opposite her, holding up both hands, palms open. "Raph found pride and purpose in learnin' to fight. Now, I'm not makin' assumptions, but since I don't know what your big dream is, I'm gonna assume it's a frustratin' affair. So, take a swing, vent your frustration and we'll go from there, yeah?" Fascinated, Puck sat on a nearby branch, bearing witness to Naofumi's patented problem-solving strat.

Violence.

It took a moment for her to build up enough courage to take a swing at a man who could probably stare down Satella herself. When she did, it was exactly as unimpressive as expected. "Aim behind the target, your purpose is to break straight through. Twist your hips and use your shoulders to throw your punch. Go on. You aren't gonna hurt me." A silent nod lead the way for a much more solid strike. A loud clap echoed in this dappled glade.

"Keep going, there's a specific thing that's super important for a fighter. When we're done, you'll understand." She kept going, throwing punch after punch. Her strikes slowly grew more vicious and wild, Naofumi calmly helping to re-centre her, but encouraging her frustration. He moved his hands out of the way, slapping a couple strikes aside and even shoved her back. Her huffing and puffing grew heavier, now beginning to imagine she was striking sources of her frustration.

One for Francesca! For always chewing too loud! One for Roswaal! For being so creepy and cryptic! One for Rem! For stealing time from Subaru that should be hers!

One for Ram! For refusing to live up to the potential she knew she had! One for Subaru! For being better to her than she deserves!

And one for herself! For being so damn weak! Of will and body!

She growled deep in her chest, rage building up with every thought and failing that bubbled up. Every nightmare that kept her up, her home, her family, her life! She screamed, Fire and Ice in tandem flaring across her arm into a jagged, translucent, crimson gauntlet. It impacted against Naofumi's face, who realised he didn't the energy or lee-way to avoid it.

CRACK-BOOM!

Emilia hacked and coughed at the dirt that funneled up from the impact, waving away the debris from her vision. Puck floated over, "Lia! You alright?"

She nodded, coughed once or twice more, before swallowing. "I- I'm fine. Where's Naofumi?" They looked over, a number of trees had been bowled over, forming a mass that Naofumi sat slumped against.

He wasn't getting up.

"OH MY GOD! I MURDERED NAOFUMI!"

Just another Wednesday...